A Bowl of Stupid

I am a bad, bad person. I like to make fun of the Bible. It solidifies my role in life as a sinning smart ass. I like to flat out threaten people as thought I have Old Testament style Biblical powers. It’s fun. I would like to say that it keeps me from swearing but, really, nothing keeps me from swearing. Honestly, I love the reaction you get from people when you tell them that you hope the Lord smites them with a plague of any kind. They’re just confounded. I have a few favorites. I am a huge fan of threatening to enact a plague of frogs to beset someone’s house. Gawd, that just makes me giggle. I mean, hoping that the villagers stone someone with stones until they die is one things, but wishing for their house to be overrun with frogs is just so damn weird. Hence, why I love it.

You have no idea how many times at work I have, in all seriousness, told people that, “if I have to come down there I am going to make it rain down sulfur.” I’m pretty sure they know I can’t do this, but still, it’s about as grave of a threat as you could imagine.

Maybe I could do it. Who knows? It seems that most of the people in the Bible who were subjected to strange happenings never really expected it. So, why not me? Kind of like the time I thought for about 3 minutes, that it could be possible that I was carrying the Messiah. Of course, this was crushed by my friend Chris who pointed out that God would “never put no Jesus in a woman who wear Marc Jacobs shoes and gets her nails did.” Fine.

I am certain that this behavior on my part solidifies that I wll be arriving in Hell in a bobsled (a handbasket just ain’t fast enough) and that Satan, I’m sure, has something special planned for me. In the meantime, I’m going to go try and find a shirt that says, “Got Locusts?”