‘Been around the world, and aye-aye-aye….I can’t find my ointment

So, today’s the big day Stupid? Are you ready? Did you pack your toothbrush? Good. How about the cream for that….you know….thing. Oh, you did? Good. You don’t want that flaring up during the flight. But if it does and you can’t get to your cream, just ask the attendant for some butter and lemon pepper. Oh, my little boy is gonna travel all by himself (sniff) I’m so proud. Look, I put some money in your carry on bag in case you run out. No it’s ok, I sold your portfolio. The rest of the money? That’s not important right now. What’s important is that you be safe and have fun. I really don’t want a repeat of the Puerto Rico incident. Yes, I heard about that. How could you, Stupid? You’re right, we named you that, so…….but he was barely 16 and had a full life ahead of him. Do you know how hard it is to hide a body in Puerto Rico? Lucky for you I have some “connections” there. Anyway, when you get to Singapore, ask for “Butuh” . It’s customary for people to initially give you strange looks, perhaps even physically assault you, but if you keep asking, eventually someone will respond. And make sure you show your teeth when you smile, they like that. Oh, I told myself I wouldn’t cry……(SNIFF!). Ok, I’m fine now. Look, have fun, be safe, and try not to worry about the plane crashing into a mountainside and you being forced to survive by consuming the flesh of other passengers. See ya!…..Maybe.