Feb 27 2009
The Soft Bigotry of Gay Expectations
Several years ago, Alec Baldwin played a character in a Saturday Night Live skit where he was surprised to learn that his voice sounded gay to other people. Every time he recorded a voice message in a normal voice, the recorded playback piped back an incredibly feminine voice, with disco paying in the background. Although it was a pretty funny skit, I never really gave it any further thought.
But today, I went to a bookstore here in Bangkok to get something to read for my upcoming trip to Bali and Australia. While there, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful Thai woman there. We wound up having a great time, we exchanged phone numbers, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together. I had a great time.
But once again, I’m leaving Bangkok first thing tomorrow morning. Deja-fuckin’-vu, right?
I swear to all that is holy, if I meet yet another attractive girl RIGHT before either she or I move to another country, I’m gonna beat every last one of you fuckers about the head and neck with a dead flounder.
But even more disconcerting than the fact that I’ve no realistic chance of pursuing a relationship with this chick (yet again), is what she let slip later in the day. Apparently, the main reason why she felt comfortable enough to talk to me in the first place — she thought I was gay.
Me? Gay?
What? The? Fuck?
I don’t see it. I really don’t. But then again, that Kiwi girl I met in Vietnam last month told me something similar. Specifically, she said that I may have been here in Asia too long, because I apparently no longer have some of the more ‘masculine’ mannerisms used by Western blokes.
At first, I chalked that up to the fact she hasn’t spent much time here in Asia (and to my propensity for using obscure words most guys don’t otherwise use in everyday conversation). But now a Thai girl is also telling me the same thing.
Umm … yah, perhaps I may have been here too long.
It’s ironic, one of the things I sought to accomplish by coming to Asia (as well as exploring Buddhism and furthering my yoga practice) was to reduce my Western aggressive tendencies, and to stop acting like such a loud American prick, in general. And I also chose to move around so much because I no longer wanted to deal with all the drama bullshit that comes with having a long-term girlfriend.
So now … I tend not to get mad anymore when people bump into me on the street, or step on my toes on the train, or just act like pricks in general. And now my posture and mannerisms have indeed changed due to my extensive yoga practice. And I’ve also learned (except for the past month, of course) generally not to pursue women I’m attracted to because I know I won’t be sticking around in one location for too long.
Wait a sec — no aggressive tendencies? good posture? no more stupid pick up lines? — holy hell, I DO sound kinda gay!!
Fuck that shit!! No more yoga — I’m going back to the boxing gym. Time to start hitting people again. Hard!
And I tell ya’, this whole Buddhism ‘be nice to people’ shit is for faggots!
And to hell with the fact that I may never have a long term relationship out here — I’m gonna start chattin’ up the birds as much as I can, wherever I can, whenever I can. To hell with all that ‘deep feelings’ bullshit! … Let’s just be honest. You want it. I wanna give it to you. So let’s fuck!
Hey, I think it’s working!! I can feel the gayness draining out of me already!!
10 Responses to “The Soft Bigotry of Gay Expectations”
Now that I have stopped laughing, allow me to help you (I know, you’re excited):
1. Stop talking to beautiful girls. That seems to be the problem. You keep getting smitten and someone moves away. That’s a set up for heart ache. Or a bad movie with people making mad dashes to the airport.
2. Resolve the gay issue (sorry, still laughing) by being your usual charming self. Like when you tell people younger than you that they’re old and/or clueless. Gay men do not possess that kind of tact and finesse.
You’re welcome. And thank you for the laugh, I so needed it.
Hey Girl,
1. I’m glad my impotent rage amuses you. I am but a dancing monkey, here for your entertainment.
2. Umm … don’t you think the whole ‘not talking to hot girls’ thing would play right into the whole ‘appearing gay’ thing? I’d rather live in a bad hetero movie that a good gay one (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
3. Did you just say I lack tact and finesse? Fuck you, cuz you are SO freakin’ wrong about that shit … umm, … was THAT what you were talking about. Yeah, I guess that could work.
Seriously tho, thanks for all the REAL advise you’ve given. Truly.
jajaja
I saw that coming since those days when you were hanging out with the sweedish chicks in Thailand and you didn’t even try to make a move on one of them. Weeks playing nice guy and they just wanted you (or somebody) inside. FYI Sweedish girls are one of the most liberal girls in the world. In other words, they pick you, not you … with that being said, knock yourself out.
Like us, all women want it. We all want sex! Specially western travellers in Asia.
So, be a man! Do the right thing! Stop the bull shit and start fucking. LOL
No Mercy!
LOL
I just want to testify and set the record Straight, that it’s definitely NOT true. If any woman ever really knew you, they would be singing it from the highest mountain tops, “Matts the best !@#$%!!!! I ever……….and he is definitely not gay”
So there. Tell’em I said so.
And keep doing the yoga.
Jeez Dee, don’t beat around the bush, tell me what you REALLY think, mate! And thanks for bringing up those Swedes — not only again, but in public. Next thing u know, yer gonna start calling me the ‘B’ word in public too (mate, please don’t!).
Philly, do you want a new gig as my publicist? Thanks sweetie — ditto about you (altho I won’t sing from mountain tops … cuz that’d be really gay).
You sound a little gay.
‘B’ word meaning Bombardier?? LOL
Just like I said, NO MERCY.
I little piece of information that may help you in your quest for redemption… Australian women are very much alike Sweedish.
being a beautiful girl myself (so i was told) i also thought you were gay.
you’re not. my gaydar must not be working properly.
time to get it checked.
Et tu, brute?
Hon, the only reason I haven’t hit on you is cuz yer married. Does that make me gay?
does that mean you are a very considerate gay man who isn’t out of the closet yet?
:p
you shudn’t let girls thinking you’re gay get to you. try and make it an asset instead.