A Bowl of Stupid

• White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence. This move comes amongst recommendations to Mr. Bush from senior staff, including Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice. In related news, General Electric executive VP Jack Donaghy has been arrested and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay by the Department of Homeland Security in connection with alleged "terrorist activities." (Via The Onion)

• Squirrel Birth Control Aims To Curb Breeding Frenzy. CNN reports that Santa Monica, California, officials have tried poison, gassing and euthanasia to control a breeding frenzy among squirrels in a city park here. Now, they plan to give birth control a shot. And now back to CNN's continuing coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith trial. (Via CNN)

• Starbucks Aims For 40,000 New Stores. U.S. coffee shop giant plans to open at least 40,000 more stores over the medium term, at a rate of six shops and 350 new employees per day. U.S. officials have tried poison, gassing and euthanasia to control the breeding frenzy among Starbucks. Now, they plan to give birth control a shot. (Via Reuters)

• Politician Seeks Klingon Votes. Out of Helsinki, Finland, comes news of a Finnish member of parliament aiming for re-election by campaigning with a translation of his Website into Klingon, used in the TV series "Star Trek." He said his politics posed some translation difficulties, since Klingon does not have words for matters such as tolerance. Translation issues have arisen for other applicable terms, including sad, pathetic, geek, and virgin. (Via CNN)

• Starbucks Forms "Hear Music" Record Label. Starbucks announced on Monday that, in furtherance of its continuing attempts to conquer the Klingon Empire, it has formed its own record label, "Hear Music," to develop records for sale both in its coffee shops and through traditional music retailers. Upon release of the announcement, rioting was reported outside the homes of Maroon 5 and Vanessa Carlton. (Via Yahoo News)

• MSNBC Special Report: Ashley Tisdale is No Pantyless Party Girl. Hot new starlet Ashley Tisdale is taking on the more established party girls. The star of “High School Musical” says she’s nothing like them — she always wears panties. And now back to MSNBC's continuing coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith trial. (Via MSNBC)

• Priests to Purify Sacred Mayan Site of 'Bad Spirits' After Bush Visit. Yeah, I got nothing, the headline just speaks for itself. (Via CommonDreams.org)

• Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee Back Together? Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee ended their on-and-off again relationship in 1998. However, the two were seen getting mouth-to-mouth this past weekend after lunch with their kids in Santa Monica. Publicists for both Anderson and Lee denied the couple have reconciled, but instead were simply rehearsing for their next video — "Manaconda II, The Reckoning". In related news, the U.S. Center for Disease Control issued a "high alert" warning for possible outbreaks of hepatitis, gonorrhea, and a new form of epidemic cerebrospinal meningitis immune to all form of antibiotics. (Via D-Listed)

• Belfast Lingerie Thief Claims To Be Female Elf. A man accused of a stealing underwear at knifepoint believed he was a female elf at the time, Belfast Crown Court has heard. Ahh yes, the old "female-elf defense." Now why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, because I'm not completely fucking insane. (Via BBC News)

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