Much as I did when I first arrived in Asia, I’ve started writing again freehand, often without any intent to publish here, but simply to clarify what’s going on upstairs. This is one of those posts. And while it is obviously melancholic (to say the least), take it with a grain of salt, and take it for what it is — simply a free-wheeling dictation of what was going on in my mind at one particular point during this latest “adventure.” Like most things, it may change with the scenery.
28 Feb 2010; Apia, (Western) Samoa
Right after this gnawing ache in my gut –- the result (I hope) of something I ate in Bangkok right before I left — the next feeling I’ve got is an overwhelming desire to break down a little out of sheer frustration.
It turns out my sister may not have been right –- at one point during the past couple years (I’ve forgotten exactly when), she relayed to me a little bit of bumper-sticker profundity which, at the time, I found especially appropriate to my recent life choices.
In trying to understand our extremely different takes on life, she saw a quote that put into perspective my life, which until then was probably fairly incomprehensible to her compared to her suburban domesticity –- she told me that “not all those who wander are lost.”
I thought it wonderfully simplistic, and yet at the same time, delightfully profound. My ego agreed with her, telling me that I obviously have all the answers and I’m just traveling to satiate my desire for adventure. I told myself that that was, of course, the main reason why I chose to leave the States and wander throughout Asia for the better part of the 21st century.
However, now I’m starting to recognize just how wrong she, and I, was -– I am lost. I’ve been lost for a very long time, I suppose. And it’s only been my over-inflated ego and well-honed ability to live in denial that’s kept that fact from me for so long.
When I was younger, I held the undying belief that I would be a complete person when, and only if, I met ‘the one’ person who would be able to complete me. For that reason, I spent most of my 20’s moving from one dysfunctional relationship to the next, hoping the next girl I met would be “the one.”
After having the pleasure of getting that myth thrown back in my face with alarming force several years ago, I abandoned my search for ‘the one,’ knowing that the dream is nothing but a myth.
Instead, and without even knowing it, I transferred my obsession with perfection and happiness from a person to a place — if only I could find “the place” I would finally be happy, or at least content.
So I left Miami, and I keep moving all around the world –- Costa Rica, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand — always in the hope that the next place I’d go would be “the place” for me. That it would all come together in one blinding shot of inspiration.
But it’s not been that easy. I’m starting to realized that is probably never is. Because no matter where I go, I’m always there –- and therefore, it’s always the same. And it’s always wrong.
Apparently, I’m still in a dysfunctional relationship, I’ve simply changed the unhealthy source of longing.
That aspect of my life is far too personal and complex to even begin discussing in earnest here. However, I will say that my search –- albeit unknowing – has left me weary. I am just so, so tired. I just want a place to call home. And that fatigue has led to frustration, which inevitably brings me to tears.
I want to go home. More to the point –- after so many years of moving about, I just want a home. It’s been so long since I’ve known exactly who I am, where I am, or where I will wind up even next week that I can barely tell the difference any more – one place looks just like another, only the weather and the languages change.
I’ve only just arrived, but already I sincerely doubt I’ll find what I am looking for here in Samoa. Shit, it’s a lush tropical paradise and yet I can hardly bring myself to leave my hot, sticky motel room. To me, it’s just another tropical preserve with people and customs to which I can’t fully relate. So really, what’s the point?
I am just so tired. And I just want to go home. If only I knew where that was …
Going thru the same motions myself. I have read your blog for a year now and I find some sort of comfort reading and relating. I left Boston and NH 14 years ago and been down a similar path… Hey man… you keep me reading and thinking. Hats off to you and pls keep me going. You make perfect sense…..
Dan
hey dude,
just found your blog, i was looking for tattoo ideas… (yours look v. cool) anyways, real interesting and inspiring read, i have been planning in my mind the great escape from work over here in uk and am thinking that if i work hard for next few years i can make a few moves (financially/investments/savings) and then like mark twain said ‘Explore. Dream. Discover’.
Reason being, i dont feel fulfilled, but you are so right “Because no matter where I go, I’m always there –- and therefore, it’s always the same. And it’s always wrong.”
What an insightful statement, you may be tired, you may be fed up, but you have grown!.. your problems go with you, this is true, but i bet you’ve ironed out a few of them…
having read a lot of your previous posts and then having read your most recent i was a bit shocked to hear your unhappiness, however i guess it makes sense, the grass is never really greener and i read once something like “you try to reach the other shore only to find that when you arrive it is the same’…..
here’s some quotes i found for you (and myself):
“The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.”
“Master your past in the present, or your past will master your future.”
“Our outer life reflects back to us the way we think, feel and behave. The outer world is all effects. Go to the source inside for all of life’s treasures.”
So perhaps there’s still some ‘stuff’ to be put to rest, that the outer world just cant resolve, accepting, forgiving, letting go and moving forward away from painful memories that are probably not dealt with need to get the hell out of your head and heart, you deserve better amigo… you’ve got some of your stuff out in the open (thru this blog) perhaps more needs to flow (privately)…
“Fall seven times get up eight.”
“A person’s worth is contingent upon who he is, not upon what he does, or how much he has. The worth of a person, or a thing, or an idea, is in being, not in doing, not in having.” – Alice Mary Hilton
“Happiness isn’t getting what you want, but experiencing who you are.”
Whoa, i can honestly say i dont know where all this came from, i should have been asleep hours ago, anyway, this is probably better left as an email from one random person to another, rather than a comment but all i can say is chin up, you’ve done really well, and as my own counsellor said to me once, “you’ve spent a lot of time working on yourself”, (about 38 sessions so far) so keep up the good work, we’re a long time dead, so keep on smiling, everything’s impermanent anyway, happiness / sadness doesnt last, but inner peace can be reached ( i hope )…
“Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.”- Dali Lama (i liked this one)
Oh yeah, i think home is anywhere that you find yourself living, (because you’re there) the whole world is our home…Be your own best friend homey and nothing can stop you.
james :-}