A Bowl of Stupid

Note: The next few posts were actually written in the last couple of weeks, but I only now have the opportunity to post them as the rains have calmed down for a couple days and the beach roads are back 'open' (using the term loosely).

And as Dee was so kind to point out commenting on my last post, I don't have spell check here in the wild, wild west Filos. So if I spell anything wrong again (like 'Goa', India), feel free to kiss my big white ass. But I mean that in the nicest way possible.

The combination of my recent motor-bike injury and the seemingly omnipresent rains have left me with an over-abundance of time this past week.

I can't surf or SCUBA dive because I can't get my injured knee wet. I can't drink alcohol because I'm on antibiotics. I've been limited in my use of electricity and phone because the power has been intermittingly shutting down due to the rains.

It's a hassel to go anywhere cuz all of the roads are flooded out and/or beyond slippery. And I've been left reading books by the bushel in an attempt to quelch the boredom factor quickly slipping in.

I've tried to use the extensive free time on my hands to do some serious meditative introspection. Unfortunately, that has led me to again debating the entire basis of my lifestyle (i.e., living abroad searching for surf).

Back in Indonesia, this stuff made sense. You have a surfboard, they have surf, it's cheap, and you can stay for months at a time and not get too bored.

But just what the fuck am I doing here in the Philippines? And now?

The weather is dismal. The surf has been dismal. The locals THEMSELVES are bored out of their mind this time of year (which leads to some REALLY dodgy pastimes). Options are limited.

At this point, it's painfully obvious that I've lost track of the entire basis why I initially left the States in the frist place. Indeed, I now only vaguely recall such grand aspirations of living abroad on virtualy nothing, having nothing, and being responsible for nobody but myself. Oh, and doing nothing but surf and sleep, of course.

It's the stuff of dreams, right? Not so much.

The journey is never as liberating as we anticipate.

I haven't felt that peaceful vibe I briefly had in Indo for some time, and I now feel like I'm again swimming against the currents. Even before I stopped working last year, I felt that 'flow' — then, pushing me out of the practice of law and out of the State of Florida.

But I fought those currents — fought them hard for a good 15 years, pursuing a career and lifestyle I didn't want. But finally, I gave in to the flow, allowing them to take me wherever. This led to my inevitable exit from a legal career and Florida (and the States).

That time of first releasing myself that 'flow' was, although disconcerting, probably the most satisfying period of my life. I don't regret at all leaving everything I had. However, I think I lost that feeling soon thereafter, reverting back to 'American Me' soon thereafter — status and money concious to the core.

I briefly had what I was looking for — that feeling of peaceful nonpurpose — and then it was gone. I've been searching for that feeling for the past 6 months throughout Southeast Asia. I want very much to again feel like I know which way to go.

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