Jul 31 2008
Ain’t Nothing More Foolish Than A Man Chasin’ His Hat …
I'm mixing movies (worse that metephors, I know …), but there's a quote from "Lost In Translation' where Bill Murry's character says:
The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.
That line has made an impression on me ever since I first heard in back when I was still living in Miami, working the 8-6 lawyering gig, ridiculously embittered and hating just about everyone and everything around me, and not knowing a god-damn thing about myself or what I wanted from my life — even after 30+ years.
At the time, one of the only things I did know was that I'm a non-conformist, and the traditional American lifestyle holds little, if any, appeal for me (nor do the traditional American obsessions with money, power, and guns … but that's another story). Acting on that little bit of knowledge, I radically changed my life, leaving the law career, selling my house, and giving away most of the other worldly possessions one manages to aquire over the years — which inevitably led me to my current path …
I have no job, I have little money (but enough), I no longer live in States, and I travel constantly throughout Asia (where I feel much more confortable and at ease with myself). and I've lived this way going on a couple years now and thankfully see nothing that would necessitate significantly altering this lifestyle in the near and foreseeable future.
That being said, however, I feel like I've reached a turning point of sorts — it's not that I dislike my life or my travels or anything I'm doing in ANY way, shape or form. Indeed, I feel immeasurably fortunate to be here, doing what I'm doing, leading the life I'm leading.
It's just that … well, I'm starting to get angry again. At nonsensical shit. Just like when I was back living in the States.
I've been trying to put my finger on just why I again find myself randomly embittered about silly-ass shit, despite being out here 'living the life,' as everyone else says. It's obviously not my location or job this time. Nor is it about paying a mortgage or car payments or insurance, or any of that other nonsense. It's just that I'm starting to get a little … well, bored. And frustrated.
I kinda thought that I would figure something out by now about how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life. Yet one of the only things I've realized is that what I'm doing now will, for whatever reason — money, boredom, whatever — come to an end some day. And this knowledge has raised the spectre of returning to my past career and lifestyle (or at least some facsimile thereof).
Nonetheless, while fairly disconcerting, this is not really the thing that's causing my latest bout of animosity towards … well, everyone.
Rather, I've also realized that doing THIS — traveling indefinitely, searching for surf and little else, and trying to just 'be' – isn't quite how I want to live my life forever. It's not exactly who I am. But, at this point, I've spent almost as much time and effort redefining myself as that ANTI-lawyer, beach bum, global surf traveler, that this realization pushes me from mere frustration to anger.
Because all that means is the initial question still looms out there, larger than ever despite my attempts to glean otherwise — what the hell am I supposed to do when this ends? Sometimes I feel like I'm just chasing my hat, postponing an inevitable return to a life of quiet desperation. Only this time, if that's the case, I'll have used up another one of my three strikes, with only one more to spare.
Like I said, I love my life, and the realizations are only fleeting at this point, but I really don't want to start being angry again over nothing, like in the old days. Especially now that so much has changed for the better. Maybe I just need to go someplace new …
Or maybe you need to be ok with the idea of not knowing what comes next, after all - no one really does. Or maybe you’ve mastered the task of “chasing the hat” and you need a new task to master. Take up a new hobby. Search for something besides surf……
I participate actively in talk therapy, because it keeps me healthy, which isnt the point. The point is my therapist loves to say that so many people are living lives of quiet desperation. I dont know that Ive heard that phrase anywhere else but in her office and now reading it on your blog. Huh.
Kish, I think it’s all about expectations.
/Mina
Where you go, there you are.
go back to India, dude….
OK, I’m kidding….:)
Wow! Is just like listening to myself 5 years ago.
The good and the bad news are one in the same. It’s never been about location, job, the mortgage, boredom, the price of gas or ‘the traditional American lifestyle’. Good luck on phase two.
Yeah, thanks for the comments all (very nice to hear from ya’ K), but at this point, I’m looking back at this post as an anomaly of sorts — after trading out my old surfboards and spending a month ‘relearning’ to surf properly — I now feel 110% again. Yes, this will end, but who the fuck cares. I’m enjoying myself immensely at the moment, and ll deal with all that crap when the time comes — we’ll just have to see how it unfolds.