Fun With Stupid Spam Mail — The “Bewitched’ Edition

All these years, I’ve been fighting the whole spamming thing tooth and nail — installing enough pop-up blockers, email spam blockers, and other crap to choke a horse.

But all these prophylactics also tend to block some of my regular email as well, which sometimes necessitates my going through my various spam filters and folders to weed out the spam from the occasional non-spam. Rarely do I take the time to even read the stuff.

I happened to look at a couple of these emails today, however. And I gotta say — some of them are pretty fucking funny! And by funny, I mean stupid. Really, these advertising whores have branched out since their inception. And here I thought they were only advertising penis-pumps and fat pills. Who knew?

So today I’m starting what I hope will become a new tradition — a ‘Fun With Stupid Spam Mail’ feature, where I’ll post these moronic spam-mails verbatim for us to ridicule. So we start out with the following, because practical witchcraft is always a big seller:

Dear [OMITTED],

“Old Witchcraft Secrets” will show you in detail, how you can cast powerful spells, to make your wildest dreams come true.

It’s NOT your fault that your spells and rituals aren’t turning out like you want… Yet.

The truth is… you’ve been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches… and the truth is that 99% of these ‘professionals’ are Dead Wrong!

In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.

They don’t want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you’d never need them again and they would lose their power!

You cannot invent ‘new’ spells just like you cannot invent a new tree. Everything is old. But not everything is known in the right way.

Get 3 Spells just for visiting our site [SITE OMITTED]

Old Witchcraft
642 Main Street
Chalestown, Nevis, Saint Kitts Nevis

The problem with this is that there are just so many ways to go:

So it’s not my fault my spells aren’t working? No shit?! And I thought it was just because there’s NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!

And what’s that, we can’t ‘invent a new tree’? Really? What ever happened to that whole ’seed-planting’ thingy that seems to have been working since, ohh … for-fucking-ever?

And ‘everything is old’, huh? Go tell that one to the Judge at the statutory rape hearing … trust me, I’m a lawyer, I guarantee it’ll work! (‘But Your Honor, this girl quite obviously cannot be under 18 — because everything is old!’)

What does it take to become a ‘professional wizard or witch’? Do they have to go through a minor league first? Is there a draft? Is there quidditch? Can you drop through the pro ranks like in boxing?

Probably the saddest part about this is that they wouldn’t send out this crap if at least SOMEONE didn’t buy their shit. Who knows, it could work — look at Sarah Palin.