Mar 23 2007
If I Had A Tumor, I’d Name It Fergie
Despite appearances to the contrary, I really do try to remain as non-judgmental as possible about other people - about their looks, their talent (or lack thereof), their background, their fashion choices - whatever.
Moreover, I generally loathe discussing celerities in general, as I view that as being akin to trying to stop a fire by dousing it with propane. Instead, much like one would deal with a debilitating brain tumor, I typically find the best thing to do is ignore the problem until it goes away.
However, every once in a while something from the celebrity world touches a nerve that sends me off the deep end.
In this case - it's the beast we call the Desolate One, otherwise known in the music industry as "Fergie." I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason, I simply cannot stand that woman.
Maybe it's her demonstrated inability to control her bodily functions; perhaps it's the fact that her hairline extends farther down the front of her face than Wolfman Jack's; maybe it's because she is consistently overrated both in terms of her musical talents and her importance in the grand scheme of things; or maybe it's the fact that she's a roaring drunk.
All those factors aside, however, I think the thing that is truly disturbing is the fact that Fergie has an incredible body that is really only made for one thing.
In that regard, maybe what bothers me is simply that she refuses to show off the only assets that may otherwise offset my utter contempt.
I just don't know.
I do know, however, the woman just bothers the fuck out of me. She may be a fine human being, but she just bothers me. I know I may be repeating myself, having written on this particular subject before. And while I apologize for the redundancy, it's a matter that's on my mind right now.
What set me off this time was something a friend of mine wrote on his blog questioning just what does the face of evil look like. While his conclusions differ from mine in this regard, the question was still ringing in my head when I visited another favorite site of mine, which was running the latest paparazzi shots of this horror show.
I apologize for the somewhat self-indulgent rant. Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have to go rinse my mouth out with some Liquid Drano. It's what Leatherface would want.
(Fergie photo via I Don't Like You In That Way - although I won't hold it against Jenny & Todd)
Again, I’m disappointed in you. Damn, talk about judgmental.
I mean - what do you have against roaring drunks? I’m about six hours away from heading down that road, my friend.
A God help you if I decide to come back and comment again once that happens.
God help you all.
You are such a whore. Look at all those links!
I’ll forgive you because they link to Jenny’s site.
Arrrgh! Damn you and your time zone, TK! One time I actually drank so much that I actually got sober and then drunk again. I can’t get my drunk for another 4 hours here. I wish I lived in a third world country, like you.
Isn’t Massachusetts in the Middle East?
Tip for the day: A quick way to piss of a born again Christian (which I learned after, er, “discussing” it with my brother). Just tell them that taking what the Bible says as the absolute truth is the equivalent of “Bippity Boppity Boo” and “poof” Instant universe.
I hate her too and I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve never seen anyone with so little talent be so fucking pretentious. No wonder she’s all by herself in her private jet… I’d rather suffer through the middle seat on the coach section of a Boeing 747 on a fourteen hour flight to Korea than listen to her go on about how “raw” she is…