A Bowl of Stupid

As noted a couple posts ago (while I was in Bali en route from Nusa Tenggara back home to Bangkok), I found a plethora of emails waiting for me upon my arrival to the wonderful world of indoor plumbing — some were asking how I'm doing, others were asking for travel advise, and still another was just hatin' on my blog in general.

I'll try my best to fully address each of these emails in due time. But I'll start with the last of them — which I just got from a guy (or girl … or potentially both) named 'Pat,' who wrote:

I read your blog from December 13, 2006 in which you discuss morality and responsibility. I find it ironic that your decided to discuss such issues while plagiarizing the work of others.

Your comment that related to occupying moral safe houses was taken practically word for word from the West Wing show - "No one in government takes responsibility for anything any more. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. 'Everybody does it.' That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty.". Granted you did take out "in government" so maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

If you decide to write a blog on the subject of hypocrisy, please let me know.

Well Pat, here it is …

Ignoring the fact that you're getting worked up about what some ex-pat surf-bum is spewing out on his BLOG, … on the INTERNET — you're absolutely right … I 'borrowed extensively' (okay, 'stole') from a West Wing transcript.

Big fucking deal.

I've no secrets here — I've admitted that I steal from the West Wing — and many other sources — on a regular basis. Fuck, if you haven't noticed, most of my post titles come from song titles. But c'mon, kid, unless you were on the writing staff, getting worked up about my failure to specifically cite back to a now-defunct television series is just silly.

And d'ya wanna see something else? I'll do it again … right now:

Quoting verbatim from the same T.V. show, Aaron Sorkin wrote that: "Good writers borrow, and great writers steal." (it bears noting this particular quote is one which Sorkin himself stole — from T.S. Elliot.)

Admittedly, you're also correct about the context of the original quote, and that by now equating myself with others who do the same thing, this quote is itself … it's, well … yeah, it's pretty hypocritical. But I think you're missing Elliot's (and Sorkin's … and my) point.

It's the sign of a good writer (or, in Elliott's opinion, a great one) to recognize that, when trying to aptly communicate your thoughts, someone else has already written what you're thinking (albeit, in my case, in another context) … far, far better than you could ever do. And I would fail to do justice to anyone reading my dribble NOT to use such rhetoric.

This is a philosophical issue, I think. Truly, is there ANYTHING we've access to — in literature, technology, or otherwise — that hasn't already been thought of, described, or built by someone else? Everything we've got, our entire culture is based on the prior accomplishments of others.

So, in this case, I forgot to cite. Again, it's just a blog — get a grip. Regardless, thanks for writing, and I hope you keep reading — I need someone to keep me on my toes.

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I'm still here in Sumatra - having a great time, which is good since I may wind up being STUCK here because …

I can't get any of my fucking money!!!

Before I left, I arranged to get my funds out of a savings account I opened with AMTRUST DIRECT. Great, right?

Wrong!!! It's been over a month and the motherfuckers STILL won't give me my goddamn MONEY!!!!

With all my free time, I'm in the process of filing a formal complaint with the Office of Thrift Supervision against this bank and would love to use any other current complaints in showing the issues inherent with this bank.

The motto of this bank appears to be to keep the funds in tow at all costs. In other words: Keep away online account access from consumers, charge consumer's service fees for anything they can and then make up an excuse as to the reason for it, or keep away interest payments from consumers or keep funds in tow with holds that are GENERATED by the bank themselves intentionally.

I am trying to compile information to determine if there is criminal neglect and or fraud going on with this bank. I have spoken to multiple people over at the bank including a supervisor and the answers were not satisfactory. I believe a formal inquiry into this bank needs to be made by the OTS for the ONLINE DIVISION.

So now I;m in the process of documenting all the MANY issues I've had with the bank — apparently I'm only one of legion — and I've gotta email the full complaint including my personal identifying information to consumer.complaint@ots.treas.gov.

For anyone else interested, you can also contact the OCC at:

Northeast Region
Consumer Affairs
Harborside Financial Center Plaza Five
Suite 1600
Jersey City, NJ 07311
(800) 253-2181
(201) 413-7541 (Fax)
(Connecticut, Delaware, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, West Virginia)

Mutha-fuckas!!! How ya' like me now?

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There's an interesting subtext — a conundrum — underlying this whole 'blogging' business.

For me, blogging began as an attempt to capitalize on my interest in the Internet (read: 'computer geek') — through the use of online advertising and retail. That idea went the way of the dodo when I made the decision to abandon the capitalistic American existence for a few years, in favor of a more simplistic life in the tropics of Southeast Asia.

At that point, blogging essentially morphed into nothing more than an easy way to memorialize my trip — physically and emotionally — and maybe make available some information about the places I'm visiting, mainly for myself, my friends and family, and anyone else with an Internet connection and a shit-load of free time on their hands.

Unknowingly (and unintentionally), this blog has also become useful in another way. When meeting people abroad, rather than handling out my phone number, email address, or other typical contact information, it's infinitely easier to write or tell people to look up my website.

In my case, I'm not sure if they feel it's an accurate description of me (the most likely scenario) or what, but the name of this blog tends to stick in peoples heads like a dull butter knife.

This is obviously a good thing. It's easily allowed me to maintain contact with people I've met from all around the globe (most of them Swedish, for some god-forsaken reason). However, it also allows a greater, albeit not complete, view of my persona to people who may not otherwise get an unfettered glimpse of my full persona until later on into a friendship.

It is for that reason more than any other that I've changed how I write this blog.

Before I revealed my true identity (yes, I am a fuckin' superhero - so shaddap) and started using this site as my own 'Universal Business Card' ("Call me!"), I tended to write bitter and scathing posts about politics, pop culture, celebrities, and a number of other divisive issues.

But I've since tried to tone down the content of this blog, so as not to offend any of the people I've met, or may meet, either with different views than mine or otherwise infected by the 'politically correctness' dictating the terms of conversations with people from the States and Europe.

Indeed, I've already had one acquaintance ask me, upon reading this site, why I hated India (and Indians) so much. After pointing out the dirty hippy's and the innumerable burning trash heaps, as well as the debilitating viral infection I picked up there, I found myself apologizing (and feeling guilty for appearing as yet another Eurocentric racist). The same goes for many other issues, as well — even music.

In trying to tone down my vacuously sardonic sense of humour (admittedly, a humour that quickly wears thin and most persons with an IQ greater than 70 don't understand to begin with), I've wound up unintentionally offending, and being overly-apologetic towards, more people than I otherwise would, because I've unknowingly disregarded their political sensitivities — both online and in the real world.

Who knows, maybe I've just been hanging out with too many Ozzies. Whatever.

While talking the other night with a friend (coincidentally, yet another Swede — I swear, they're everywhere), we got to the whole topic of maintaining a blog. Somewhere during the course of the conversation, I remembered how the word 'blog' is the shortened version of the term 'web log' — as in a personal log … about your personal ideas, experiences, and relations.

In that regard, unless they're selling something (ahem), if someone feels comfortable enough to post all their personal shit online anyway, what's the point in censoring material to possibly placate the sensibilities of people who won't understand the verse, or the underlying motivations. Admittedly, we do not live in a vacuum, and it's simply good manners not to knowingly offend people — 'do unto others' and all that.

I agree with that sentiment entirely, and I sincerely try to live my life in that manner. But there are limits — especially in the context of writing your personal thoughts vis a vis a semi-private forum on the Internet.

With that said, I will say this one more time for anyone paying attention — I've got some fucked up personal views, I live a different kind of life than most, and I have some brash and (often times unfunny) humour. I know I'm not a racist, a misogynist, or an evil vapid soul (most nobody is, really). But I will apologize up front if anything I say may come across as offensive or insensitive.

I'm writing this shit for me as much as for you. So I will write how, when, and about, whatever-the-fuck I want. Just as I really don't know you, you really can't know me simply by reading the stupid, random shit I may throw up on some website from time to time.

I know I've raised this issue before in the past, whenever I lose track of why I'm even writing this shit. But once again, it's my fucking website, and I thought it was about time for another reminder.

P.S. This is the maid speaking.

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With the exception of a few well place 'Frenchies' here and there, I've never been particularly fond of the French to begin with.

Admittedly, I was never one of those rabid folks (i.e., dumbass Americans) who started referring to my french fries as 'freedom fries'. However, I always found the air of superiority wafted out by the majority of the French — together with a considerable amount of body odor, as well — more than just a bit distasteful.

If it weren't for their considerable history of promptly surrendering to any (and all) of their neighboring countries on the continent, perhaps that attitute may be justified. As it is, however, I have more respect for the guys working the late shift at the local 7-11. Until I meet a thousand more guys like these two great blokes in the Philippines, my opinion stands. Sorry.

That opinion now seems even more justified after the run in (pun intended) I had yesterday with 3 of the biggest kooks — all French — that I've ever met in my life. Three Frenchies were out in the water yesterday hooting and hollaring (perhaps they were trying to surrender to the Sri Lankans), and just getting in everyone's way.

One of them sat right in front of me while I was up on a really nice wave, looking me in the eyes and doing nothin else to move or otherwise allow me to maintain my position on the wave. I had to ditch.

Another dropped in on me while I was up on waves, not once, not twice, but three times in only a 1 hour session. Fucker.

The third of the group (part 'trois' if you're counting in French, which I doubt, because if you're French, chances are you're off looking for someone to surrender to) ran right into me while I was in the whitewater paddling away from him so he could ride his wave in peace. But instead of riding the wave, he turned right towards me before realizing there was something in his way. Upon reaching that conclusion, he ditched his board, kicking it right at my head (perhaps he thought it the best way to surrender). I moved just in time for it to hit me square in my right calf, which is now sporting a huge muscle bruise.

No apologies, no nothing. He just paddled back out. Nice. Three more reasons for me to go out for some 'freedom fries.'

Post script: My foot is now pretty well healed up, with the exception of the 1 or 2 remaining smaller spikes that are now poppin out randoming like zits on the face of a rabid Hannah Montana fan. Thanks to all for the concern (read: horror).

And in response to Jayne's crazy question as to what body part I will injure next for my rapt (read: cold and bored) audience, I now have both an answer and a reason why: my right calf, and because some French kook with a surfboard ran into me out in the surf.

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For anyone interested, I'm online fore about 10 minutes while in yet ANOTHER departure lounge - airport, bus station, train station … don't ask, I've no idea anymore.

After doing a 3.5 day trek in the hills of norther Thailand (close to Laos border), I returned through Chiang Mai on my way back down to Bangkok, on my way back down to Railay Beach (Krabi) again, on my way home to Singapore, where I'll hopefully be able to spend some time with my mates there.

Okay, gotta go, they're calling my _____ (insert flight, bus, train) now. I should be back in Singapore in about 5 days.

Peace out playas!

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(The daunting skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)

Despite the above picture, I'm now in Bangkok.

I'm here after having visited Railai Beach in southern Thailand … again. I was there at the time the airplane crash only a score kilometers away in Phuket. It was obviously on everyones lips and minds — and feeling a type of kinship to the people vacationing who were on the flight — I feel especially sorry, and would if possible, wish the best for them and their families.

I'll write more about the trip to Railai and Bangkok in a few days when I have some extra time, but before I do, I will say this:

I swear, every time I go to Railai, I stay another day longer. Several of the local guy s have becomes good friends of mine, and it's now almost like a second 'home base' in Southeast Asia. They are real great people, and even after only being in Bangkok for a few days, I'm starting to think the Thais are the nicest people I've met out here so far.

Plus, I've heard that the Laotians are even MORE laid back, and even MORE friendly. And if that's the case, I think we should start exporting them to places like Arkansas and Utah to make those motherfuckers loosen up a bit.

Anyway, back to the original tale — I left Singapore last Tuesday morning (11 September), taking an 8:00 a.m. bus from Singapore up to Melaka, Malaysia, which is about 2.5 hours to the north, on the southwestern coast of the Malaysian peninsula.

I was planning on heading straight up to Kuala Lumpur ("KL"), but I read that Melaka has a particularly interesting history. As a uniquely situated port town, Melaka has been 'settled' (read: 'conquered and exploited') by the Dutch, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and - of course, like everywhere else in the region - the British. As a result, there is a unique colonial feel about the town. While exploring Melaka, at times I felt like I was walking around one of the Caribbean port towns that were also 'settled' by the Dutch and the British.

And while Melaka (and all of Malaysia, for the matter), is nowhere nearly economically advanced as Singapore, the country - and Melaka especially - is not anything near what I had expected (notwithstanding that I've already been here, but on the East Coast to go diving at the relatively secluded 'resort island' of Tioman).

Malaysia is, in my opinion (based on my own limited experiences), a mixture of Singapore and Indonesia. Whereas it appears to be economically (and speeding towards being similarly socially) advanced, the fact that it - like Indonesia - is not a secular state has, in some part, stifled it's development until just recently (unlike Singapore, a strictly secular state).

I will say this, however. If given the opportunity today to invest or start a business (import/export or something akin), I would probably choose Malaysia over Singapore at this point. They are just as forward thinking, yet lower costs for goods services (and tarrifs, from what I've heard). In fact, due in part to the financial and political stability of the country, Malaysia apparently has more annual tourists than does heavily toured Thailand.

Regardless, Melaka itself is a unique town. I stayed in a small guest house in their Chinatown (they also have a Little India with some amazing southern Indian food, just like Singapore). But the charming facade of a small, former-colonized port town - developed over the course of many hours walking through the town - was quickly stripped away when I came across the new 'Melaka Mega Mall.' And while this newly completed mall pales in comparison to even the smallest of Singapores' ubiquitous 'megamalls', it is an ultra-modern facility with ubiquitous Motorola (phone) stores, Quicksilver stores, and of course the parasitic Starbucks coffee dens.

In the end, although Melaka's downtown is historically compelling, it's Chinatown is quaint and fun, and the mostly Chinese and Indian populous are really nice people, after having lived in Singapore for a few months now, it was almost the equivalent to a resident of NYC or Philly heading down to the Jersey shore for the weekend (only I've NEVER met anyone in Jersey - or NYC or Philly - as nice as the people in Melaka).

The same can be said for Kuala Lumpur, where I arrived this afternoon after another 2 hour bus ride north from Melaka (making it about a total 4 - 4.5 hour trip from Singapore). To be honest, and in all humility, K.L. is NOTHING like I imagined.

I thought KL would be akin to Jakarta - a huge metropolis, a boiling mass of energy and drive, yet encumbered by outdated social morays and corruption and little direction or focus. In contrast, KL seems to be modeling itself after Singapore, Taipai, and the other up and coming financial and cultural outlets of the Far East. Obviously, I've only been here less than a full day, so I can't have any true idea of how the city or country is run. However, in comparison, the attempts by Indonesia and the Philippines to integrate themselves into a global economy (while, thankfully, not necessarily losing their own religious and cultural background) seem absolutely primitive in comparison.

Probably also due to the obvious benefits of being in a relatively 'booming' economy, the locals are still pretty friendly and nowhere NEAR as pushy to make a buck as the guys in Indo. However, it's also still more than a little disheartening to see how effectively, and how quickly, Malaysia has been swallowed up into the new 'global community.' Hell, KL has a much better symphony orchestra than most of the major cities in the USA (see Miami, for example).

Nor would I ever suggest that 'poor and uneducated' KL, or its diversity of peoples and cultures, or its well-tended infrastructure (the great metro-rail system in KL is simple and incredibly effective) are even CLOSE to those Americans beleive to be the best in the world. Indeed, I wouldn't dream of comparing KL's effective public transport to similar systems that have been promised and thwarted for years in Miami (assuming they are ever completed after all the corrupt Miami politicians take out their 'finders fees').

Shit, I guess it pays to have a 'democratically elected' leader and a 'rubber stamp' parliament/congress that pushes through public works rather than, oh … I don't know … invading another sovereign country (God, that man's a jackass).

Again, don't get me wrong — I don't mean to suggest that KL, Singapore, Hong Kong, Tokyo or Taipei in ANY way match ANY of the metropolis' in the USA in terms of urbane sophistication.

On the bright side, I'm still pretty sure the USA is leading the world in humility.

P.S. Stick around, big news about the tour.

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I attended several court hearings this morning in which I finally withdrew as legal counsel of record on cases I had been working as part of a side project. It was, I hope, the last time I have to wear a suit and tie for a long, long time.

As a pragmatist, and a very superstitious one at that, I loathe to say that too loudly for fear of tempting the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing.

Nonetheless, it was an interesting event.

In particular, I haven't driven in rush-hour traffic for over a month (and significant rush-hour traffic for much, much longer), and I have not been in close association with any practicing attorneys for much longer than that.

After having driven through said traffic, and after having walked through a courthouse filled with scores of attorneys all dressed in the exact same black suit, I realized the distance that I've already traveled - mentally, albeit not yet physically - is staggering.

All the scene required were bowler hats.

Not to be judgmental, or in any way condescending to anyone who may otherwise fit into that mold, in one form or another, but all I could think was:

"What a bunch of fucking sheep."

I have only had but a taste of the possibilities out there, and I am already struck by the absurdity of many good people who have resigned themselves to waste countless hours of their lives — time which can never be restored — waiting in traffic, waiting in line, trapped in jobs and careers and marriages they find unsatisfying, or being proud of those things which should not warrant pride.

I was awestruck.

And I honestly, honestly wonder how many of those people are truly happy. And if that percentage is as low as one could logically assume, I also wonder how, and if, that translates up to a societal level.

It may be a simplistic question, but I wonder just how many of our societal problems are attributable to the Western obsession with money, power and celebrity? Indeed, would the U.S. government spend more money on education and foreign aid if all of its citizens telecommuted, or were required to teach for 5 years, or if People magazine was removed from circulation?

I doubt it. But it's an interesting theory nonetheless.

I may wind up dead in a gutter in Jakarta, or I may wind up again begging for employment come September (Or I could wind up as an intern at TK's sheep farm in New Zealand - since we all know how he loves the animals).

But I'm glad I can at least see these things now unobscured by the fogs of greed and pride and social acceptance, even if that vision is but temporary.

I hope many others do the same. They deserve it.

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Aww, just when I finished ranting about how it sometimes feels like I'm the only hater on the block, I found this little tidbit:

TORONTO, Ontario (Reuters) — The dislike of Canada's biggest city, Toronto, in the rest of the country runs so deep that a filmmaker has made a documentary about it.

"People in Toronto are soulless, one-eyed corporate zombies," Joey Keithley, of the Vancouver punk band D.O.A., says in the film, "Let's All Hate Toronto."

The 73-minute film, which premieres at Toronto's Hot Docs documentary festival next week, follows a character called Mister Toronto, who embarks on a cross-Canada trip brandishing a sign that reads "Toronto Appreciation Day" and steels himself for the onslaught.

"There is something different (about hating Toronto). People are more passionate about it," filmmaker and co-director Albert Nerenberg said in an interview.

(Via CNN)

I'm not alone! I'm really not alone! Haters of the world, unite!!

P.S. What in the hell is a "one eyed corporate zombie"? And why are they any worse than two-eyed corporate zombies? I'm just asking - cuz that's what I do.

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During yesterday's hearings on global warming, James Inhofe, the former Chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, was questioning Vice President Al Gore, who had been invited to testify before the Committee concerning various elements of global warming discussed in his Oscar-award winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth.

As he apparently did not like the answers he was getting, Inhofe attempted to "shut down" the Vice President, claiming that he didn't want to hear the answers because he thought the responses would take "too much time."

Watch this clip of Inhofe getting slapped down by Senator Barbara Boxer, who now chairs the committee. In particular, pay attention to the look of utter contempt on his face at the end of the clip as he tries to "laugh off" the whole situation.

Now that is a better reason to reconnect my cable TV than any other mindless blather the networks and cable channels hurl out each day like so much projectile vomit.

It's like an idea for a new Mastercard commercial:

• Buying an election = Billions of dollars in soft money contributions.
• Conducting an unnecessary war to repay tenfold the evil old cronies at Haliburton, Exxon, and elsewhere who helped buy your seat of power. = 24,100 U.S. troops wounded in action, 3000 U.S. troops killed in action, and tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis killed in ensuing civil war.
• Losing mid-term Congressional elections after having fucked up the country worse than a five (5) year old with downs syndrome and then getting your ass handed to you on a platter on live TV = PRICELESS.

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The latest in our continuing series of Public Service Announcement (PSA's) is of a more pragmatic sort that the first and second clips (both of which I realized only recently involved deviant sexual behavior — the first pertaining to the sexing up and disposal of a dead hooker, and the second pertaining to the sexing up one of the cast members from "Star Trek").

In an attempt to assist the loyal "Bowl Illuminati" — all of whom are as involuntarily celibate as the undersigned author — as well as other nomadic visitors with no social lives, we hereby provides a more practical PSA; one which has been sorely lacking, for years, in sleepy retirement communities and Asian neighborhoods throughout the United States (as well as here in Miami and other third world countries):

Sick of a car taking up two spaces on the street? How about a car too close to yours? What about the car at the mall parked diagonally? Now you can do something about it. Simply download a notice and place it on the car's windshield. The owner of the vehicle will be informed of their asshole status as well as the proper tips to improve their poor parking techniques. It's time to put an end to asshole parking, or at least to make fun of it.

So just remember what the good book says, "it's better to give than receive."

(Provided by You Park Like An Asshole, via Blog Paul)

P.S. For extra credit, we're giving out prizes to anyone who can scientifically prove which of the two following pictures shows the bigger super-duper asshole. We will be collecting all proofs, calculations, and worksheets used in reaching such conclusions.

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