A Bowl of Stupid

Calling it “basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much “$200″ is actually worth.”

The Onion once again proving why Global Economic Theory and Existentialism don’t mix …

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.

Calling it “basically no more than five rectangular strips of paper,” Fed chairman Ben Bernanke illustrates how much “$200″ is actually worth.

What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy.

“Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…” said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this—this so-called ‘money’—really matters at all.”

“It’s just an illusion,” a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. “Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless.”

Steve Jobs had to have seen this one coming a mile away. It sounds like a tampon, for Christ’s sake!!

I’m in Dili, East Timor getting a new Indonesian tourist visa. After a 12 hour bus ride from Kupang to Dili, it looks like I’m gonna be here a few days. I waited at the Indo Embassy this morning for a couple hours, and now I need to wait another couple days before they issue the visa itself (which I’m told is fairly quick, all things considered).

There’s pretty much NOTHING here but UN and NGO personnel mucking up the place. But apparently, there’s some good diving spots in the area — which I plan on checking out if any places take me despite the fact I left my dive card back in Bali. We’ll see how it plays out.

Other than that, it really is kind of a bizzare little world here. It’s your typical 3d world shit-hole (excuse my Euro-centric judging), but the cost of everything is absolutely through the ROOF. Whereas I can get a pretty nice room in Bali (of all places) for about US$8 per nite, here in Dili, the cheapest I could find was for US$23 — and I’m sleeping in a converted shipping container (no joke — it’s actually kinda cool[ish]). It’s like being back in Hong Kong — only without the style, nightlife, and well … civilization.

On top of that, they’ve got the second biggest Jesus statute in the world here (let’s here it for the Portugese — the first biggest Jesus statue is in Brazil, ANOTHER former Portugese refugee camp).

It’s another one of those places with a really strange vibe going on — the locals still have a kinda ‘subservient mentality’ from the many years of Portuse and Indonesian abuses here, and from what I’ve heard, now the UN people have kinda continued with that tradition a bit.

It’s kinda sad to see almost everyone FROM here look away and down, instead of smiling and waving — or even trying to sell you stuff like they do everywhere else in Asia. It’s kinda sad.

I’m still getting my bearings, but I don’t think I’ll be here too long this time for it to make a deeper impression. I plan on heading back to Indo first thing after getting my visa on Wednesday — I don’t think I could afford to stay here much longer.

It’s 3:30 in the morning. I’m sitting in the Darwin airport in the midst of a 3 hour layover before my flight to Sydney.

It’s my first time out of Asia, and back into a western country (effectively), since October 2007 — almost 1.5 years ago.

In all my travels throughout Asia during the past few years, I’ve had to deal with stupid regulations that make no sense, security personnel willing to ‘bend’ immigration rules for the right amount of cash (typically no more than US$20), and all kinds of visas and security checks. But in all that time, despite the sometimes lengthy lines I’ve faced, I never had a problem with the system breaking down.

Until now. I swear, Irony will outlive us all.

I got to the airport here in Darwin about an hour ago. But their computer systems have been down all night, and they’ve been unable to process anyone through immigration all during that time.

It’s no skin off my (admittedly rather large) nose. The immigration folks have been exceptionally magnanimous about the whole situation. And My connecting flight isn’t for another few hours. But I find it incredibly ironic that the first time in almost 16 months that I come back through a ‘civilized’ country, and they can’t even get me through the front door.

Welcome back to the machine.

Congratulations go out today to all Americans everywhere, around the world. Today I am proud that I too bear this moniker and this title — American Citizen. And a hearty congratulations goes out to our new President, Barack Obama.

And in further celebration, and satisfaction, of his birthday, I hope we all can find some solace and some satisfaction in our combined efforts to have reached this historic day, where the incredible dream of an incredible man has finally come to pass.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.” … I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Another birthday here and gone. I don’t feel like writing anything except to get the attention whore ‘birthday post’ out of the top spot on this blog. So I’ll just show anyone interested (i.e., Slouchmonkey) a clip about the new surfboard I got in Bali last month, which I plan to put to good use on whatever smaller waves I come across in the Pacific.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get another tattoo.

Hey guys, I’m currently in Vientiene, but pressed for time as I’m catching a bus to Vang Vieng in about 20 minutes. As per the claims of my buddies Dee and Desh (no, I’m not kidding about the names), there’s not much to do in Vientiene besides eat and drink … a lot.

But I will say this:

Yes, Beer Laos is the BEST fucking lager beer I’ve had in S.E. Asia (perhaps ever).

Yes, Laotion (sp?) food is perhaps the BEST in S.E. Asia (whereas the Philippines has taken the WORST food and drink combinations from all the cultures it was conquered by, Laos has taken all the BEST … think baguettes with pate and spicy guava salad – damn good!)

Yes, there’s not much going on here, and the pace is beyond laid back. It’s a lot like the Indo islands I frequent … but with no surf to pass the time. Still, it’s nice.

Okay, more later, but gotta go.

Hey folks!

It’s okay to come on back now everyone, I’m fairly calm now. But Jesus H. Christ on a pogo-fucking-stick, if I haven’t had a nerve-wracking past few days.

First off, as noted in my last post, no one should EVER use AmTrust Bank for ANYTHING. EVER!! (unless you don’t WANT to ever see your money again, of course). Fuck, I know there’s a recession going on back in the States, but that doesn’t mean the bank can simply STEAL my goddamn money!!

Regardless, that’s what having an extra stash in your bank account is for, right?

Umm … yeah, not so much.

That’s not to say that, besides also having the typical low-level ‘scamming’ thing going on, the local guys over at the Family Losman next door were also great hosts (although their facilities aren’t as extensive as Andy’s), so don’t believe anything bad you may hear about them either. They’re a bit cheaper, and they’ve just got a less extensive hotel/losman (i.e., Andy’s got A/C rooms, a TV room, etc.). It just depends on what you want to do and pay.

So I’m here at Karang Nyimbor for another couple weeks — it’s still not crowded in the surf, and my stress level has been reduced exponentially regarding money, so everything’s cool.

Granted, it would be nice if the surf picks up a bit … but for now, I’m just thankful for what I’ve got.

Yes, I’m finally in India – what a fascinating country shithole! And what better way to celebrate this auspicious occasion than for me to immediately book a flight to Krabi, Thailand.

Yes, India is just THAT good.

The presence here of what I had feared most — rabid European tourists and ego-driven nuevo-hippies everywhere — has indeed come to pass.

I originally planned on staying in India for 2 full months practicing my yoga and getting some further training should I ever wish to pursue it as a career in the future. However, I’ve since learned that most of the yoga ashrams and schools here — and especially those specializing in Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga, which is what I practice — are a complete farce.

On the one hand are the loads and loads of ‘yoga centers’ catering to all these Westerners who have been led to believe that the best practitioners MUST be in India since that’s where modern yoga developed. That’s complete bullshit. My brief experience has confirmed what others have told me — you can probably get just as good, if not better, training anywhere else in the world.

Then, on the other hand is the fact that yoga practitioners here, and especially in Mysore, which is known for being ‘ground-zero’ for ashtanga training, in fact produces bigger egos than true ashtaga yogis. Most of the guys here project a real ego-driven sense of “I’m more at peace than you are, and I can prove it!!” Fuck that, if I wanted to sit in a room full of bitches comparing how flexible and happy they are about living with no money, I could have gone to any ONE of the many fabulous nude bars in Miami and had a much (much) better time.

I know, I know … don’t be hatin’ on India. Yeah, I guess you’re right … it’s not ALL that bad.

I mean, the food here is probably some of the best in Asia — I actually enjoy eating vegetarian cuisine when it’s prepared THIS good. Plus, all the wannabe hippies with their long flowing gowns and ponytails DO make for excellent dinner theatre. And as an added bonus, all the garbage burning throughout the day makes for an absolutely beautiful sunset.

Okay, granted, you really shouldn’t go into the ocean unless you want to bring a pet parasite back home with you. But then again, the numerous packs of stray dogs and the occasional elephant you may encounter whilst trying to walk back to your room will more than make up for any ‘wildlife’ you may otherwise be missing underwater.

So, rather than stay here any longer than necessary, I’m going back to Thailand in a couple weeks to meet up with friends from Singapore before they all head back to states for good.

I’ve got a multiple entry 3 month visa, but I’m not really sure for how long — or even if — I’ll head back to India. Moreso, given the continuing escalation of violence in Sri Lanka (one of the same private buses that I took to leave Kandy on 1 February was blown up by Tamil terrorists the VERY next day, killing 18 people and injuring 55), I fear it’s not safe to travel there again until it all resolves itself. Instead, I will go back through and pick up my surfboards on my way to Thailand.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a hater, I’m just drawn that way.

(Mawi, Lombok, Indonesia — that’s me on the far right)

Halo to all both of my loyal readers (yes, that includes you too, TK, ya’ miserable fuckin’ bastard).

I’m back in Singapore.

I’ve had a nice hot shower, I’m having my clothes properly cleaned and sandblasted, and I’m about to go out for a proper breakfast.

And but for the month-old beard, the 10 pounds I’ve lost, a possible broken rib, the last of the remaining reef scars on my feet, and the new tattoo on my chest (number 4 — sorry mom), I’m starting to feel like a real fucking person again.

I’ll say this much … anyone who claims they can deal with any potential breakdown in modern infrastructure and live with no running water, no electricity, no phones, no lights, no internet, no etc. is either full of shit or just kidding themselves.

Yes, it obviously can be done. I did it for a couple weeks, at least.

But coming from where I do — the States — it’s not something we’re born and bred into. And it gets really old, really fast.

This coming from me, one of the biggest assholes who looks down very much on the overindulgence that typifies us Westerners and modern society.

As a result, despite my feelings in that regard, there is a certain perverse joy I have in returning to all the comforts of modern society.

God, I missed the internet. Good thing they have Clove Cigarettes and Coca-Cola over there — without them, I woulda gone nuts.

Anyhoo, I’m back in Sing. I’ll have more pics and posts up in the next day or so. I plan on “time-releasing” them over the course of the weekend while I’m in Malaysia, and then more through next week before I head back up to Krabi, Thailand again next weekend.

Thanks all for checking in on me, thanks to everyone I traveled with in Indo the past month, thanks to the Indonesian government for letting me leave despite the ever-popular “international terrorist” look I’m now sporting, and thanks mostly to my friend Mike G., through whose help I was able to restore my at least some of my surfing “state-of-mind” and salvage the last several days of my trip by having a couple good days surfing during the last 2-3 meter high swell that hit while I was at Kuta Beach, Dreamland, and Bingin Reef on Bali.

Note: I had a couple “restorative” days surfing at Kuta and Dreamland (and Bingin, too, surprisingly). Kuta and Dreamland both have right-facing breaks, which — as a “regular footer” — I had a much easier time handling on the shortboard (I was also wearing my new reef booties, so my feet didn’t hurt every time I went to stand up).

I’m well aware that I’m still a pretty shitty surfer. But it was one of the few times on the trip where I felt a little like myself again. For this reason, my next trip after Malaysia and Thailand will be to the Mentawais (off of the Sumatran mainland), where I plan on heading directly to “HT’s” … better known as “Lances Right” — said to be the absolute best right-facing wave in the world. Even better, it’s about a full days trip via plane, ferry, and dugout canoe and promises to be far less crowded than the rest of Indo. Let’s hope I’m ready for it.

I guess I’ll find out.

P.S. Here’s a funny story that will echo the themes presented in later posts — the incredible crowding of Indo surf spots. Lances Right was discovered by this guy named, well … Lance. Apparently, he spent considerable time, money and effort traveling overland, via fishing boats and dugout canoes, into previously untapped and potentially hostile areas, in order to find this truly amazing break at HT’s.

Well, Lance was there for a total of FOUR fuckin’ days before some yacht full of rich asshole surfers searching for waves pulled up at the break and stole his thunder.

Yep, welcome to the wonderful world of Indo surf travel.

Oh how I hate those fuckers.

Yeah, I saw some of the comments, and I finally received the voice mail messages from family and friends also inquiring as to whether I am, indeed, still alive.

Yes, as of today, Tuesday, 3 July 2007, I am still alive.

I have, however, had limited or no access to running water, electricity or hookers phones for about 2-3 weeks now.

I was in Banco Banco, Lombok, at a break called Desert Point (I was there, left for 10 days, and then went back for another week). The break is ranked the best in the world by several magazines and commentators.

It probably is. I, on the other hand, am not the best surfer in the world. By a FUCKING LONG SHOT.

I’ll write more when I again get a better chance. I’ll be back in Singapore on 12 July, so I can upload some of the stuff I’ve written or typed in the interim, as well as some pics and stuff.

For now, here’s the encapsulated version:

I was at Desert Point in a village with none of the above mentioned stuff, then went to Gili Trawanga where I had mushrooms again for the first time in about 20 years, then I went to Sumbawa, and in particular, a town called Maluk (where the breaks Scar Reef, Supersuck and Yo-Yos are) – also lacking said “essentials.”

I then returned to Desert Point on Lombok for a week, and now I’m back in (semi) civilization at Kuta Lombok before I return to Kuta Bali in a few days before I return to Sing on 12 July.

I just found out from my friend in Sing that he’s going to Malaysia on 14 July, so I guess I’m heading there next. Which should be fun.

Again, I’ll write a whole bunch more later. But for now, I’m actually starting to reconsider this whole “surf odyssey” thing simply due to the fact that, despite having surfed for over 15 years, I can’t seem to find a groove for my surf since the first week I got here.

Essentially, I am a complete fucking kook.

As such, this following question/comment is left out there for my surfer friends who know that I’ve switched to a short board, I’ve come to a whole different type of wave, I can’t deal with surfing through the huge fucking Indo crowds, and I haven’t surfed significant waves in many years (since moving to Florida):

Should I just give up with these waves, switch back to a longboard, and go to Central America for a year or so (since my money won’t last nearly as long there), where I can get nice easy waves with easy takeoffs and long relaxing rides?

I really do feel like a kook.

It’s just got into my head a bit that I can’t seem to surf very well right now.

I got my new camera today.

I’ve never been all that into taking pictures and, as such, it’s my very first digital camera.

However, I thought it necessary to finally get one to use for my travels to Singapore, Indo and all parts East.

I also figured this picture of my Jeep Wrangler is the most appropriate photo with which I should start my upcoming photo journal.

Why?

Miami to Phoenix. Two and one-half days. And hauling a 2500 pound trailer. Nuff said.

Man, ya’ gotta love Jeeps.

I count myself as always having been very fortunate, but never having been extremely lucky.

I’ve had a relatively gifted life, with good friends, a great family, and I’ve got my health.

But still, I’ve never had just absolutely great luck.

I’ve never won the lottery. I’ve never gained fame or fortune, nor have I ever stumbled upon a suitcase full of unmarked money (at least that’s what I said during the sworn deposition … and I’m sticking by that story until I get to Indo).

That’s why, when I hit an oil gusher this weekend, while still very lucky, it was not that huge of a godsend.

A valve blew up on my Jeep over the weekend, sending engine oil everywhere.

The good news, obviously, is that said oil-valve waited for 3 days until after I drove the Jeep cross-country before exploding oil everywhere, bless her stainless-steel heart.

The bad news, obviously, it that my kinfolk need not tell me that Californi-ae is the place I ought to be, with all the other rich oil barrons.

The Jeep is okay. And I got to spend the last 1.5 days rebuilding the Jeep’s engine (I’ll not bore you with details) with my college roomate. I actually enjoyed it tremendously.

Oh well, such is life.

Maybe I’ll have better luck next time if I get a hunting dog.

As was aptly noted by Vanessa Byers earlier this week (while I was off on a 3 day bender), the entire State of Florida has been on fire for about a week now.

Specifically, forestry officials state that 236 wildfires rage in 55 of the state’s 67 counties.

Those fires, in conjunction with the southernly blowing winds from the first (sub)tropical storm of the year, Andrea, turned all of South Florida into a smoky, hazy morass for most of the week.

Not to totally disregard the negative repercussions of these fires to thousands of innocent Floridians, but the fact the entire State of Florida is on fire seems to me the most fitting end to my time here in the State.

An entire state on fire? Just as I’m planning to leave — possible forever?

How fucking appropriate is that?

It’s almost as if nature is acting as my own personal Cortez, thus ensuring my departure as the only means of long-term survival.

And quite frankly, I could care less. All I know is that I’ve never been so glad I’m leaving Miami.

UPDATE: [P.S.] Just in case anyone was wondering, I had absolutely nothing to do with any of those fires. Really. No … really!