A Bowl of Stupid

First off, Akismet has caught 119,277 spammer comments for me since I installed it on this site about a year ago. I’d like to thank all you spammer ass-munches for keeping the good people at Akismet in business … and educating me all about the wonderful world of Russian porn.

Second, I’m heading out to Vietnam today for a couple weeks. I’ll be making my way overland from Bangkok — first, by train through the eastern part of central Thailand to Ubon Ratchathani, then by bus to Mukdahan, where I can cross over into Savannakhet, Laos.

Then, I’ll then make my way across central-southern Laos to the Laos/Vietnam border at Lao Bao, Vietnam. From there, I plan on making my way to Khe Sanh, then over to Hue, and finishing up in Da Nang (from where I’ll probably fly back to Bangkok).

I should have internet access intermittently, and may be updating from the road about the trip. Hope everyone stays well.

All these years, I’ve been fighting the whole spamming thing tooth and nail — installing enough pop-up blockers, email spam blockers, and other crap to choke a horse.

But all these prophylactics also tend to block some of my regular email as well, which sometimes necessitates my going through my various spam filters and folders to weed out the spam from the occasional non-spam. Rarely do I take the time to even read the stuff.

I happened to look at a couple of these emails today, however. And I gotta say — some of them are pretty fucking funny! And by funny, I mean stupid. Really, these advertising whores have branched out since their inception. And here I thought they were only advertising penis-pumps and fat pills. Who knew?

So today I’m starting what I hope will become a new tradition — a ‘Fun With Stupid Spam Mail’ feature, where I’ll post these moronic spam-mails verbatim for us to ridicule. So we start out with the following, because practical witchcraft is always a big seller:

Dear [OMITTED],

“Old Witchcraft Secrets” will show you in detail, how you can cast powerful spells, to make your wildest dreams come true.

It’s NOT your fault that your spells and rituals aren’t turning out like you want… Yet.

The truth is… you’ve been misled by self-proclaimed powerful wizards and witches… and the truth is that 99% of these ‘professionals’ are Dead Wrong!

In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.

They don’t want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you’d never need them again and they would lose their power!

You cannot invent ‘new’ spells just like you cannot invent a new tree. Everything is old. But not everything is known in the right way.

Get 3 Spells just for visiting our site [SITE OMITTED]

Old Witchcraft
642 Main Street
Chalestown, Nevis, Saint Kitts Nevis

The problem with this is that there are just so many ways to go:

So it’s not my fault my spells aren’t working? No shit?! And I thought it was just because there’s NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!

And what’s that, we can’t ‘invent a new tree’? Really? What ever happened to that whole ‘seed-planting’ thingy that seems to have been working since, ohh … for-fucking-ever?

And ‘everything is old’, huh? Go tell that one to the Judge at the statutory rape hearing … trust me, I’m a lawyer, I guarantee it’ll work! (‘But Your Honor, this girl quite obviously cannot be under 18 — because everything is old!’)

What does it take to become a ‘professional wizard or witch’? Do they have to go through a minor league first? Is there a draft? Is there quidditch? Can you drop through the pro ranks like in boxing?

Probably the saddest part about this is that they wouldn’t send out this crap if at least SOMEONE didn’t buy their shit. Who knows, it could work — look at Sarah Palin.

As an aside, I’ve been getting inundated with spammer comments over the past 1-2 days — coincidentally, right when I haven’t the time to do much of anything about it.

So, for the moment, I’ve had to take the somewhat draconian measure (in my mind, at least) of requiring everyone who wants to post a comment to register on this site. My apologies for the both of you out there who may wish to comment about the mindless ramblings emanating from this sucking chest-wound of a blog, but otherwise just don’t feel like registering (“cough, cough – Votar, cough, cough*).

My further thanks to those whom instead may choose to register (thanks Lora!).

As soon as I get some time, I’ll address the matter in what I hope will be a somewhat less radical fashion.

That is all. Carry on.

UPDATE: I think I’ve corrected much of the issues surrounding the spamming issues and, as such, I’m removing the aforementioned blocking “features.”

TK, feel free to resume commenting … NOW.

Lately, I’ve been getting inundated with spam comments on this site. I’m not sure, maybe I should take it as a good sign that this site is gaining in popularity, therefore garnering the attention of the cock stains responsible for such spamming anarchy. However, I have taken the opposite approach – I’m beginning to hate these jackasses with every fiber of my being – which is saying something because I’m generally able to curb my anger fairly well.

I’m getting sick as hell of adjusting and re-adjusting my spam filters to block these mouth breathers from getting through to my comment section, and then still having to go through and delete them all by hand (seeing as how my time is so precious these days).

Regardless, in a vein attempt at getting back at them, I’m at least going to post something about the most prolific of these assholes. Yes, I know this is the literary equivalent to hoping to cure cancer by complaining about the evils of cigarette companies (ahem), but I feel the need to vent. And also, I’m Jewish and that’s just what we do – complain (well that and destroy entire civilizations, of course).

The latest of these attacks has come from one particularly relentless troll who goes by the name “IeriWinner_62“. This jackass puts its links to Google, and promotes it’s blog as Google, using the same message:

HI! I’ve have similar topic at my blog! Please check it..
Thanks.
[url=http://www.google.com][/url]

Crime: Gross stupidity and pointlessness.

Punishment: Delete on sight, better still – mark as SPAM if you have Akismet.

A special thanks to Trollbuster for confirming this one for me. If anyone else is being confronted with questionable commentators, I highly recommend you also check out Trollbuster for confirmation and/or advise.