A Bowl of Stupid

Note: It’s funny how I get the most responses (I’m counting both here and privately) when I’m having a particularly bad time of things. That’s probably a good thing, as it means my friends and family, regardless of their location, are still looking out for my best interests. For that, I thank them. Truly. But try not to worry too much, as I stated in my last post (the one in question), I sometimes write simply to work things out in my own head, and they don’t necessarily reflect exactly what’s going on in my world.

In contrast to last week, which I spent both en route to and traveling around (Western) Samoa and where I had an overabundance of time and an under-abundance of electricity, I’m now located in my new home — American Samoa, where I’ve got computer access but lacking a bit on the time to write. I’ll try to remedy that (the time part, at least).

Given the challenges I went through to get here, I guess I should be happy to have even arrived — alive and in one piece (generally speaking).

By the time I first arrived on island, I hadn’t showered or slept for over 2.5 days, I was suffering from heat prostration, sun poisoning, 300-400 mosquito bites, fever, serious ‘digestive issues,’ dehydration, over-exhaustion, and (last but not least) a severely swollen and infected leg that I’d seriously mangled on the reef in Samoa after only 3 days in the water. In short, I was an absolute mess (which, for those of you who know me, is really saying something).

Even discounting all those issues, I still just HAD to get out of Western Samoa — simply speaking, in any of the various worldwide shitholes where I’ve stayed, never before in my life have I paid so much for so little (example, at the surf camp I stayed on the south coast of Upolu, I paid US$45/night to sleep in an open air bungalow with no mosquito net, with lard and crackers as ‘breakfast,’ no running water, and where the family who runs the place returned home at dark, leaving me, the only guest, alone to contend with the local stray dogs all night).

Never has an island that subsists almost entirely on tourist dollars been less tourist-friendly than that one. And never before have I seen such “nickel-and-diming” to death as I did on Upolu. It was sad, especially considering I’d heard the independent side was the nicer of the two Samoa’s.

In contrast, I was worried about coming (and living) on the American side, reading wicked things about the state of affairs here on Tutuila. But so far (and I emphasize, “so far”), Pago Pago reminds me of a typical beautifully preserved colonial island town, similar to something that one might find somewhere in the Caribbean. It is … simply beautiful here.

And as the days go on, and as I’ve healed from my ordeal on the other side, and as I learn more about the place, the people, the opportunities here, and as I’ve obtained my own car, and apartment, and sense of wholeness again — I like it more and more every day.

Sure, there are issues — it’s small, it’s preternaturally hot, it’s obscenely wet, the people are massive, the cars (trucks) are massive, the meal portions are massive, and it has taken many of the lesser qualities from both American and Samoan cultures. But it’s also in the process of integrating many of the better ones too — the Rule of Law applies (generally), the Public Library is modern and brimming with media, there’s fresh local tuna and fruits, there’s a variety of foods, there’s a growing diversity of people (Samoan, Chinese, Filipino, Korean, Caucasian), there’s a sense of community, and there’s a positive, yet not unsightly, sense of pride in being American.

I haven’t even yet had the opportunity to do much of what I came here to do — hike, mountain bike, surf, swim, snorkel, SCUBA. But the scenery is absolutely gorgeous and I’m looking forward to seeing where the road here leads me …

I’m well aware that it’s still far too early to say, but I already feel a bit like Andy Dufresne – who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.

A photo of Bin Laden from 1998 (left) was digitally altered using elements from an image of Gaspar Llamazares, a Spanish politician who has said he was shocked to find out the FBI had used his photo for a digitally-altered image showing how Osama Bin Laden might look. (click image above for full story)

Dear FBI Profilers, although I am of Middle Easern descent, please don’t “borrow” any of my Facebook and/or Flickr photos to use for a digitally-altered image showing how Osama Bin Laden might look. Thank you and good luck. xoxo

Your friend,
-Bowl

The list of woes is far too thorny a thicket in which to venture here, but suffice to say that 2009 — and the entire Aughts — will go down as quite possibly one of the absolute worst eras in recent history.

For me personally, it’s been an absolute banner fucking year at the ol’ Bender household — despite my attempts to move on to another career path, a significant loss of accrued savings due to the financial meltdown has left me looking for full-time work again (and, dear God, legal work, at that). Plus, the seemingly worldwide hiring freeze resulting from that crisis doesn’t seen to offer any immediate respite, even in that industry.

That being said, given the Scuba diving and surfing pics adoring this site, I still can’t delude myself into thinking that my year was all that bad. I actually do consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. I sorta saw this whole thing coming and had the means to escape to Asia before I suffered any significant woes. I sold my property back in the States for a profit, was able to distance myself from my old gig with little issue and, unencumbered by any significant emotional entanglements, I’ve been able to traipse about Asia for the past several years.

However, as everyone obviously knows, many others haven’t fared even a fraction as well as I have. Indeed, countless millions have lost their life savings, their friendships, marriages and, thanks to that walking void who ran the store for the better part of the decade (cough, cough, George Bush, cough, cough), millions of others have lost their lives, as well.

I know far too many of these types myself — friends who have lost their jobs, homes savings and insurance to corporate malfeasance. Others who have separated or divorced (either directly or indirectly) due to the ’09 shitstorm. And others yet who still can’t find a decent gig even after years of involuntary under/unemployment.

Yes, it has been nice to be able to lend some comfort, either directly or by way of allowing them the means to live vicariously through me. But as one can tell simply by looking through this blog, it’s been getting harder and harder for me to comfort anyone from atop my self-aggrandized perch, even as my own world is contracting at an ever-increasing pace.

This being said, all I can hope for is that 2010, and the entirety of the next decade, will be far, far better than the last one. Well, that and a hearty ‘fuck you, good bye, and good riddance’ to 2009.

As one would imagine, when I head out to the islands (with no electricity and no running water and such), I don’t keep up on the news as much as I might otherwise. Indeed, over the past couple years, I’ve realized that I can gather most of the news I need from the surf report.

Notwithstanding, I HAVE heard about this whole ‘global economic meltdown’ thingy that’s going on. And I heard from several sources — online, televised, written and otherwise — that there may be the stirrings of a genuine economic recovery starting back in the States.

But then I read this uplifting op-ed piece in today’s New York Times, from where the above picture was pilfered. The authors claim:

We are sympathetic to the extraordinary challenge the president faces, but if we’ve learned anything at all two years into the worst financial crisis of our lifetimes, it is that a capital-markets system this dependent on public confidence is a shockingly inadequate foundation upon which to rest our economy.

On the bright side, although one of the authors, Mr. Sandy Lewis, was convicted on federal charges of stock manipulation in 1989, he was pardoned by President Bill Clinton in 2001 and had his lifetime trading ban overturned by the Securities and Exchange Commission in 2006. As such, he can obviously lend his talents towards fixing the current situation.

Umm … perhaps ‘fixing’ wasn’t the bast choice of wording.

Regardless, I’m sure Prez Obama will think ‘outside the box’ to sort this whole mess out. Oh yeah, although he promised to change the whole paradigm in Washington, he IS still just a politician — and a Democrat, at that. Which explains why he ‘handed over his economic policy to worn-out Wall Street gorgons like Larry Summers and Bob Rubin.’

Oh, okay. Well then, there must still be a whole bunch of other people who can still straighten this mess out from the outside-in, right?

I mean, consider Goldman Sachs’ new adviser, Arthur Levitt Jr., the former chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission. He’s gonna be helpful.

Oh wait, what’s that you say? Levitt helped convince Bill Clinton to make two of the most important bad decisions that led to this financial crisis. So now he’s still around helping to liaise between Goldman Sachs and the government.

Oh … okay. Yeah, I see your point — we’re all still pretty fucked. Okay then, I’m going back to the islands and stick to reading the surf reports.

For the uninitiated, Thailand has been engulfed by political turmoil in the form of “colored shirt” protests which have been taking place, on and off, for the better part of three (3) years.

The protests took an ugly turn this week when Thai military troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the anti-government “red shirt” group. Now, in the latest news, the leader of the rival ‘yellow shirt’ faction was gunned down yesterday:

BANGKOK (AP) — The founder of Thailand’s “yellow shirt” protest movement that shut down Bangkok airports last year was shot and wounded in an assassination attempt Friday, just days after troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the rival, anti-government “red shirt” group. Sondhi Limthongkul was in stable condition after surgery that removed a bullet from his skull.

Thai authorities have just released the following photo of a suspect in the shooting.

Despite the mask, police have tentatively identified the gunman as one John “Ham” Burglar. Mr. Burglar has a long criminal history — mostly limited to petty theft of various fast food items — and is presumed to be armed and dangerous.

We will keep you apprised of the situation as events unfold.

P.S. This is the maid speaking.

Several years ago, Alec Baldwin played a character in a Saturday Night Live skit where he was surprised to learn that his voice sounded gay to other people. Every time he recorded a voice message in a normal voice, the recorded playback piped back an incredibly feminine voice, with disco paying in the background. Although it was a pretty funny skit, I never really gave it any further thought.

But today, I went to a bookstore here in Bangkok to get something to read for my upcoming trip to Bali and Australia. While there, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful Thai woman there. We wound up having a great time, we exchanged phone numbers, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together. I had a great time.

But once again, I’m leaving Bangkok first thing tomorrow morning. Deja-fuckin’-vu, right?

I swear to all that is holy, if I meet yet another attractive girl RIGHT before either she or I move to another country, I’m gonna beat every last one of you fuckers about the head and neck with a dead flounder.

But even more disconcerting than the fact that I’ve no realistic chance of pursuing a relationship with this chick (yet again), is what she let slip later in the day. Apparently, the main reason why she felt comfortable enough to talk to me in the first place — she thought I was gay.

Me? Gay?

What? The? Fuck?

I don’t see it. I really don’t. But then again, that Kiwi girl I met in Vietnam last month told me something similar. Specifically, she said that I may have been here in Asia too long, because I apparently no longer have some of the more ‘masculine’ mannerisms used by Western blokes.

At first, I chalked that up to the fact she hasn’t spent much time here in Asia (and to my propensity for using obscure words most guys don’t otherwise use in everyday conversation). But now a Thai girl is also telling me the same thing.

Umm … yah, perhaps I may have been here too long.

It’s ironic, one of the things I sought to accomplish by coming to Asia (as well as exploring Buddhism and furthering my yoga practice) was to reduce my Western aggressive tendencies, and to stop acting like such a loud American prick, in general. And I also chose to move around so much because I no longer wanted to deal with all the drama bullshit that comes with having a long-term girlfriend.

So now … I tend not to get mad anymore when people bump into me on the street, or step on my toes on the train, or just act like pricks in general. And now my posture and mannerisms have indeed changed due to my extensive yoga practice. And I’ve also learned (except for the past month, of course) generally not to pursue women I’m attracted to because I know I won’t be sticking around in one location for too long.

Wait a sec — no aggressive tendencies? good posture? no more stupid pick up lines? — holy hell, I DO sound kinda gay!!

Fuck that shit!! No more yoga — I’m going back to the boxing gym. Time to start hitting people again. Hard!

And I tell ya’, this whole Buddhism ‘be nice to people’ shit is for faggots!

And to hell with the fact that I may never have a long term relationship out here — I’m gonna start chattin’ up the birds as much as I can, wherever I can, whenever I can. To hell with all that ‘deep feelings’ bullshit! … Let’s just be honest. You want it. I wanna give it to you. So let’s fuck!

Hey, I think it’s working!! I can feel the gayness draining out of me already!!

• Dow and S&P 500 at ’97 lows — The Dow and S&P 500 tumbled to levels not seen in nearly 12 years Monday, as investors continue to worry that the government’s efforts to slow the recession won’t be sufficient. (CNNMoney.com)
• Asian Stocks Drop to Five-Year Low; Nomura Slumps on Share Sale — Asian stocks fell, dragging the regional benchmark to the lowest in more than five years, as the global recession hurts company earnings and forces share sales to bolster balance sheets. (Bloomberg)
• North Korea ‘plans rocket launch’ — North Korea has announced it is preparing to launch a rocket purportedly carrying a ‘communications satellite’, but without giving an indication of a date. (BBC World)
• FBI recovers 48 juveniles in prostitution raid — Law enforcement officials arrested more than 500 people, and took custody of 48 juveniles in a coordinated 29-city weekend sweep aimed at combating child prostitution, the FBI announced Monday. (CNN)
• Australian Firefighters Battles to Contain Blazes — Australian firefighters are battling to contain blazes in the southeast before temperatures rise and winds strengthen, two weeks after the nation’s worst-ever bushfires. (Bloomberg)
• Oscars 2009: the biggest victory ever for British films On Sunday night in Los Angeles, Slumdog Millionaire lifted eight out of a possible nine Oscars [it was nominated for ten - twice for Original Song]. (Times Online)*

*C’mon people, the movie wasn’t that good, for Christ’s sake! Danny Boyle? Roland Joffe? Satyajit Ray? They all made the same movie! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Yes, it’s true.

I’ve started looking for work again (and by ‘looking for work’, of course I mean ‘hitting up just about every person I’ve ever met over the course of the past few years for a gig’).

Good lord, I forgot just how daunting a task this is. Really.

In talking to my friends over the past couple years about such things — in Bangkok, the States, and elsewhere — it all sounded so easy getting work. And enjoyable, good paying work, at that.

Yeah, not so much …

Apparently, it turns out there’s some sort of ‘global financial crisis’ or something that’s cropped up over the past year while I’ve been be-boppin’ my way through the inner depths of Southeast Asia. And I guess this may not have really been the best particular time to rejoin the capitalist race.

What makes it worse is, just as when I left my legal career back in the States a few years ago, I still haven’t really narrowed my options very much. I’m interested in doing pretty much anything and everything outside the exact practice of law (with the exception of Federal Pleading Practice … which I greatly enjoyed. which I was best suited, and at which I was really, really good).

However, the problem is now compounded by the fact that, unlike before I left the States, now I’m willing (and hopeful) to take on a position not only back in the States, but also all over Asia, Australia and the whole of the Pacific Rim.

I’m in way, way, WAY over my head at the moment, people.

Fuckin’ hell, things were a whole lot easier before those damn Jedi’s fucked up everything for everyone!

P.S. Oh yeah, as an aside .. remember how I wrote last week about meeting that beautiful girl in Vietnam, and how:

I had an absolute and total blast [traveling] with her … and I regret nothing.

Well, turns out I was wrong. I’ve one regret — I should never have left Bangkok.

According to this brilliant website, the next big fashion trend for the tragically hip urban male is … wait for it, wait for it …

Mantyhose (as in ‘pantyhose for men’).

Yes, you read that right — MANTYHOSE.

Apparently aware of the stigma attached with wearing women’s underwear, the stated purpose of this website is to ‘accelerate the acceptance of male pantyhose as a regular clothing item.”

As such, the site provides — among other things — an illustrated male pantyhose wearer’s survival guide for any potential ‘mantyhosers’ wishing to successfully integrate their new tights fashion accessory into their wardrobe. Among the serving suggestions is this gem:

Act and behave as usual: this way you are communicating to others that you are in fact a usual guy.

Only a very few people will notice that you are wearing pantyhose. You should communicate with your clothes and behavior that you are not there to show off yourself in pantyhose, but rather to do your regular business – shopping, walking etc. You may also wear support pantyhose at the beginning for more “legitimacy”.

A usual guy? Legitimacy?

What. The. Fuck.

For the love of Christ! You’re wearing women’s underwear and you’re worried about legitimacy?!? Good god man, it’s a new year, a new President … a new beginning — get a fucking grip!!

Uggh … I just threw up a little in my mouth.

That’s right … bros before hoes. Deal with it, sucka.

I was just thinking it may be about time for me to go back to the States for a visit.

Yeah, not so much.

I used to live in the University City area of San Diego when I was in law school. In our particular neighborhood, the Naval Air Station (now Marine Corps Air Station) Miramar — where the movie ‘Top Gun’ was based — was only 1-2 kilometers away from us, separated only by the 805 freeway.

I actually got to tour the facilities (including their gazillion dollar flight simulator). It was, and still is, an amazing place staffing some really talented people. No shit, I’m not really a military hawk anymore, but in my opinion, the entire Air Station is a testament to the necessary military advances that can be accomplished with enough skill, education, and funding.

We would rejoice whenever the Air Show came into town, since the Blue Angels would use the park at the end of our block as a visual point, and they would scream right over our house at tree-top levels — so close that we were actually able to wave back and forth with the pilots.

The obvious downside was that we would have to deal with fighter aircraft jet engines drowning out whatever activities we would otherwise be engaged in (i.e., horse-shoes, drinking, and an occasional study session).

Often, the jets would come — what we considered to be — perilously close to our homes. Thankfully, due to the unwavering skills of the pilots and crew, there were never any accidents until now:

LOS ANGELES (AFP) – Two people were killed and two others missing after a US F/A-18 fighter jet slammed into a densely populated residential neighborhood in California on Monday, officials said.

The accident occurred shortly before 7am (AEDT) when the two-seater plane spiraled out of control and crashed into two homes in the University City suburb of San Diego, officials said.

First off, I really, really, REALLY hope this occurred nowhere near my old house — where my law school roommate still lives. I am also tremendously sorry for the persons killed and I hope their families will come through thus okay. I also have sympathy for the pilot, since my guess is that this will haunt him for some time to come.

Finally, I sincerely hope that, in this age of ‘blame’, people won’t lose their heads about this accident and the location and role of stateside military installations — especially in Southern California, where they not only play a huge role in the local culture, but also have managed to provide some of the only environmental preserves still separating Los Angeles from San Diego (and the vast suburban sprawl that has choked out all other land in SoCal).

Okay, so could someone please tell me which is worse:

1. Signing on for a sweet gig writing movie and music reviews on one of the best entertainment websites online today (yeah, I’m not above pandering …), and then getting assigned to review Britney Spears’ latest piece of shit CD.

or,

2. Donating millions to win a long, hard fought and historic Presidential campaign — and then getting tapped again for even MORE money after your candidate wins, just to pay off the US$7.5 million debt from the rival candidate’s failed presidential bid?

Yep, that’s a tough one, but I’m gonna have to go with the Britney Spears review, too. It’s only money, right?

UPDATE: Apparently TK actually VOLUNTEERED to review the Britney album. So that takes him out of the ‘unlucky’ category (like the Obama donors), and moves him into the ‘dumb as a box of rocks’ category — for which he’s entitled to no sympathy votes. Sorry kid.

I know the title of this post is probably one that will be, or has already been, used many times this week, but really … WHAT THE FUCK?

After months of (in my opinion) useless demonstrations, things have been taken to a whole other level of insanity. Specifically, the anti-government group People’s Alliance for Democracy (PAD) has been leading protests against the government since May, accusing the government of being a front for ousted former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, and protesters surrounded the parliament building on Monday, forcing lawmakers to postpone their session.

Now, according to the latest from CNN:

Blasts at two Bangkok airports wounded four people early Wednesday, triggering the closure of the main international airport, authorities said.

The explosions come a day after thousands of anti-government protesters stormed the airports to protest the return of Thai Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat from the APEC summit in Peru.

One blast occurred at Suvarnabhumi Airport at 5 a.m. (2200 Tuesday GMT), an airport official said. One person was wounded in that attack.

Continued protests caused authorities to cancel all incoming and outgoing flights there.

I know I kid a lot, but this is really fucked up — especially considering it’s taking place in a Bhuddist country (and somewhere I called home as recently as last week).

For the first time in a while, I’m glad to be anywhere BUT Bangkok right now. All I can do now is hope for quick and non-violent outcome, and of course that all my friends in Thailand emege from this unscathed … soon!