Much as I did when I first arrived in Asia, I’ve started writing again freehand, often without any intent to publish here, but simply to clarify what’s going on upstairs. This is one of those posts. And while it is obviously melancholic (to say the least), take it with a grain of salt, and take it for what it is — simply a free-wheeling dictation of what was going on in my mind at one particular point during this latest “adventure.” Like most things, it may change with the scenery.

28 Feb 2010; Apia, (Western) Samoa
Right after this gnawing ache in my gut –- the result (I hope) of something I ate in Bangkok right before I left — the next feeling I’ve got is an overwhelming desire to break down a little out of sheer frustration.

It turns out my sister may not have been right –- at one point during the past couple years (I’ve forgotten exactly when), she relayed to me a little bit of bumper-sticker profundity which, at the time, I found especially appropriate to my recent life choices.

In trying to understand our extremely different takes on life, she saw a quote that put into perspective my life, which until then was probably fairly incomprehensible to her compared to her suburban domesticity –- she told me that “not all those who wander are lost.”

I thought it wonderfully simplistic, and yet at the same time, delightfully profound. My ego agreed with her, telling me that I obviously have all the answers and I’m just traveling to satiate my desire for adventure. I told myself that that was, of course, the main reason why I chose to leave the States and wander throughout Asia for the better part of the 21st century.

However, now I’m starting to recognize just how wrong she, and I, was -– I am lost. I’ve been lost for a very long time, I suppose. And it’s only been my over-inflated ego and well-honed ability to live in denial that’s kept that fact from me for so long.

When I was younger, I held the undying belief that I would be a complete person when, and only if, I met ‘the one’ person who would be able to complete me. For that reason, I spent most of my 20’s moving from one dysfunctional relationship to the next, hoping the next girl I met would be “the one.”

After having the pleasure of getting that myth thrown back in my face with alarming force several years ago, I abandoned my search for ‘the one,’ knowing that the dream is nothing but a myth.

Instead, and without even knowing it, I transferred my obsession with perfection and happiness from a person to a place — if only I could find “the place” I would finally be happy, or at least content.

So I left Miami, and I keep moving all around the world –- Costa Rica, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand — always in the hope that the next place I’d go would be “the place” for me. That it would all come together in one blinding shot of inspiration.

But it’s not been that easy. I’m starting to realized that is probably never is. Because no matter where I go, I’m always there –- and therefore, it’s always the same. And it’s always wrong.

Apparently, I’m still in a dysfunctional relationship, I’ve simply changed the unhealthy source of longing.

That aspect of my life is far too personal and complex to even begin discussing in earnest here. However, I will say that my search –- albeit unknowing – has left me weary. I am just so, so tired. I just want a place to call home. And that fatigue has led to frustration, which inevitably brings me to tears.

I want to go home. More to the point –- after so many years of moving about, I just want a home. It’s been so long since I’ve known exactly who I am, where I am, or where I will wind up even next week that I can barely tell the difference any more – one place looks just like another, only the weather and the languages change.

I’ve only just arrived, but already I sincerely doubt I’ll find what I am looking for here in Samoa. Shit, it’s a lush tropical paradise and yet I can hardly bring myself to leave my hot, sticky motel room. To me, it’s just another tropical preserve with people and customs to which I can’t fully relate. So really, what’s the point?

I am just so tired. And I just want to go home. If only I knew where that was …

I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. … I hope.

My intent upon initially leaving the States way back when was to engage in what I then called “The Bowl of Stupid World Tour” — a tour that started out in Singapore, made various pit-stops in Indonesia, Thailand and other bright and shiny destinations throughout Southeast Asia. From there, the tour made an unexpected stop in Boston, and would continue on through Sri Lanka and India, and eventually lead to various stops through Australia.

All of that was accomplished — and more.

The tour was also supposed to expand into and through the Pacific — to places like Guam, Palau, and Fiji. But somehow I never got there. Instead, like many people, I got trapped by the allures of Asia and, for the past 3-plus years, I wound up living in Bangkok, then Bali, and then back to Thailand — which is where I find myself today.

My intention upon returning to Bangkok was to make a life for myself here — in the past six (6) months, I’ve spent countless hours looking for work, making new friends, and networking with the Bangkok business community, all in the hopes that I would be able to find a paying job sufficient enough to allow me to stay here, perhaps indefinitely. Indeed, for all its faults and quirks and despite the fact that I constantly have to defend it to my friends back in the States who have a distorted view of the place, I love Bangkok very much. I really do. As do I love mostly all of Southeast Asia, the Buddhist way of thinking, and all the lovely people I’ve met here who have been gracious enough to let me into their lives, however briefly.

But like most things, permanence here is apparently not for me. My destination (if there is one), at this point seemingly lies elsewhere. I’ve not been able to find a decent job that would allow me to maintain even the minimalist lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed. So I’m leaving Thailand, and Asia — most likely never to return, except perhaps as a tourist.

I really don’t mean to come across as a drama queen. But my experiences here in Asia over the past several years have altered me in ways I previously thought unimaginable. As a result, the thought of leaving Asia for good is obviously a bit daunting. The world out here is truly wondrous — with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross. And I am also sorry to see this, yet another stage of my life, exiled to the relative oblivion of memories.

In contrast to that melancholy, I am also optimistic, since I’m returning to the original path that has been lost to me — I’m finally heading out into the Pacific. And I’m also returning to the practice of law. And I’m also heading back to the States (in a manner of speaking).

Less than two (2) days from now, I’m moving to American Samoa, the southernmost territory of the United States, with a total land mass about the size of Washington D.C., and a total population of approximately 70,000. I go there with the promise of a paying job, decent surf, tropical island breezes, a lush island paradise and, most importantly, relative peace and tranquility.

As usual, we’ll see how it plays out …

Taking a brief moment from responding to the emails I received while I was out “gone surfin” last month, I wanted to address a problem that’s arisen in conjunction with my maintaining this blog — essentially this:

One of the main reasons I continued this blog once I started traveling was to provide some ‘on the ground’ guidance to others who may also be interested in the future in taking the same, or similar, trips as I have. I know I could have benefited from some of the information I’ve posted up on this site, and I wanted to ‘pay it forward’ … such as it is.

Truly, I’ve been able to live out the initial dream I had when I left the States, the dream of surfing waves that look EXACTLY like (or even better) than the break shown in the header of this blog — it is a gift for which I am eternally grateful.

However, I’ve also bitched — also on the blog (and elsewhere) — about the sheer number of ’surf-tourists’ I’ve had to contend with in previously little known surf spots throughout Southeast Asia. Indeed, as has been pointed out, I myself am one of them — albeit in attendance at such spots for longer periods of time than some others (in all honesty, one of the biggest problems we ’surf-tourists’ face are uber-rich surfers — mostly from America — who can afford to take 2-3 weeks out and pay thousands and thousands of U.S. dollars to charter boats, or stay in luxiurious resorts, or even buy property to use for 3 weeks a year. All this while we, the reletively ‘under-funded’ stay for months on end in modest surroundings, simply trying to find some good uncrowded surf-breaks.

It’s a bit of a connundrum — how to repay the locals and others who helped me to obtain the gift of riding such great waves, while also not making all these great breaks super-crowded and not being a complete dickhead by ‘hiding’ such breaks for fear they too will be ruined next surf season for the uber-rich (or even the not so uber-rich).

It’s for that reason that I’ve decided to do what I never thought I’d do (and never wanted to do) — I’m going to start censoring the information I write on this blog. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll write privately whatever notes I feel I need to remind myself about various breaks and spots I visit. But I’ll no longer be making them public.

Sorry guys, but I’m done giving out this type of information when all it does is make the breaks more crowded for me (and the small number of other guys who choose to ‘explore’). Yeah, I’ll probably write a bit about the Philippines, since I already wrote about them last year. But once I head out into the Pacific — you’re on you’re own.

I know it sounds like a really dickhead move (and it probably is), but from now on, go find your own break … keep it off my wave.

Since I left the USB cord to my camera in Singapore, I haven’t been able to upload ANY pictures ever since I was in the Philippines in November. I’m returning to Singapore next week for a few days for a bit of ‘rest and relaxation’ (i.e., air conditioning and hot water), at which time I’ll pick up the cord and upload my pictures from the past 3 months.

However, I will also have to buy a new camera since my old one just went tits up after I dropped it about 5 meters while rock climbing. Oops. Heh-heh, never saw THAT coming.

In the meantime, above is a picture taken on my computer showing the backdrop at the beautiful Railay Bay Resort here in Krabi, where I’m currently stealing borrowing free Wi/Fi. It’s not THAT bad of a setting for late February, huh?

Happy winter everyone!!

Not much else to report other than I’m still trying to figure out where to go surfing for a couple months in March and April before heading back to the Philippines to meet up again with the royalty over there — right, princess?

I’ve been looking at the surf reports, and although it pains me to say this … Indonesia, and Bali specifically, is looking mighty, MIGHTY fine right about now. 4-6 waves with 12-15 second intervals, and 3-5 knot offshore winds. Pretty tempting, but I’ve still got the itch to head out into the Pacific for a bit — Micronesia, Tonga, or Palau, for example. Once again, pretty tempting.

Regardless, wherever I head, I’ll make sure to bring some limes, just so I don’t sink (Extra credit for picking up the reference).

As mentioned in my immediately preceding blog post, I just booked a flight to the Philippines (Manila) for this coming Monday morning, where I plan to stay on an extended surfing tour for a month or so before heading further out into the Pacific.

No worries, right? Err, not so fast …

Everyone who booked their surf trip too early, please raise your hand.

I woke up this morning to see on Bloomberg News that Tropical Cyclone ‘Mitag’ is also scheduled to make landfall in Manila this coming Monday morning (where it too apparently will go surfing).

I’ve got only one thing to say about that …

Hold onto your hunting falcons, ladies, I think it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Aww crap.

With a promise to write later this week about my recent adventures in the wily wilds of Northern Thailand and Suburban Massachusetts, I am happy to report I’ve got an agenda (or what reasonably passes for an agenda for me) as for the next couple months.

I am, for now, leaving the mains of Southeast Asia in favor of traveling to the larger areas that, quite honestly, initially prompted me to leave the States in the first place:

The outer Asian Islands, Oceania and eventually … Polynesia.

And I’m giving up the backpack once again for my surfboards. I’m gonna try to get back into the water, folks (congrats on the arrival of the new little monkey, by the way).

I just booked a flight to the Philippines (I leave for Manila this coming Monday), which is a relatively cheap flight from here, and also apparently has some decent surf spots. I still need to determine where they are … and also where I can go that I won’t get shot.

At this point, I’ve still got a few days to figure that out … or buy some Kevlar, whichever comes first.

I’m not sure just how long I’m going to stay in the Philippines, but from there, I’m heading (tentatively, of course) to the Republic of Palau, in the westernmost Micronesian isles (and where they filmed the first Survivor T.V. show), before heading (again, tentatively) to Guam, where there are also supposed to be some really nice surf spots.

This whole area is supposed to house some absolutely spectacular surfing, and in conditions which one typically associates with the Pacific Islands — succulent green forests, iridescent blue waters, and a truly, truly relaxed atmosphere.

(Photo by Tim McKenna)

Don’t get me wrong, I could be completely wrong about this. I could walk into some of these places and experience another Kuta, Bali. Regardless, this time, I will try to not let my preconceived notions get in the way of my enjoyment of the areas and experiences.

As an aside, it’s funny that, when I was a kid, I never saw myself going out to these places that were so integral to America’s victory in World War II (and which were also the canvas upon which the genius of McHales’ Navy was oh so vividly painted).

I must admit, I’m excited about not just visiting the area, but I’m also looking forward to seeing how the American prescience of the last 60 years has shaped itself, the people, and the cultures in this part of the world.

At this point, I really have no idea. And not to sound like an even more ungrateful son of a bitch than I already do after having visited some truly nice places in recent months, but I’m really excited about this. For the first time since I left for Boston, I’ve actually got my nethers into a froth about traveling somewhere new (albeit obviously for a whole new set of reasons).

Don’t get me wrong, I love being here in Asia, and the people, the places, and the cultures I’ve seen since coming here have been both breathtaking and eye-opening. However, I’m also ready to see something a little different (I hope). Similarly, I still miss KB terribly, too — and wish she were coming with me — but regardless, I’m not gonna let that to diminish my excitement too much in heading out towards these places I’ve dreamed of going for so long.

I believe in the future. And also, at least I’m gonna be a few hours closer to the frozen tundra of Boston. That’s gotta count for something too, right?