A Bowl of Stupid

I know, I’ve been slacking off with the blog lately. But between looking for work, and friends visiting me here on the island, and the surgery and various doctor visits, I haven’t had either the time or the inclination to write. Nor have I really done anything worth writing about lately — so, unless you freaks are just SO bored you want to read ‘ate, slept, walked on beach, changed bandage, slept, ate’, rest assured, you haven’t missed much.

But now that I’m back on my feet (and my surfboard), I’m starting to feel a bit more like myself. Which, in turn, means that I feel like bitching — in written form — again.

First off, in response to what I heard were less than satisfactory reviews to my posts concerning my trip to Hong Kong several months ago, I will say only this to anyone who felt that way: … how to put this politely? umm … fuck you?

I’ve never made any secrets about the fact that, in addition to documenting my travels over the past few years for both my own posterity and for my friends and family to keep track of my whereabouts, this blog is also an outlet for me to bitch and moan. When I do it about celebrities and politicians, I get all kinds of fan mail. But when I do it about friends and family, I get grief. But it’s just a freaking blog, people — let’s keep things in fucking perspective.

Let me say this again another way — I don’t know Fergie. She may be a lovely person for all I know. But that will never prevent me from comparing her to Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Simply because it’s out there.

Similarly, any one of you people reading who has ever been married, has ever had siblings, or has ever had parents (… wait for it) — you can all attest that you have, at some point or another, gotten irritated at them, wanted to yell at them, or simply wished to slap the living shit out of them. Yet, just because I may get irritated with my friends and family at any certain point in time does not take away from the fact that I love them.

And if you think you know what exactly I’m talking about in my posts, you’re wrong. You’ve got no fucking clue. You may think you do. Indeed, I TRY to get my readers to think a certain way, because it makes for a better read — often times in direct contradiction to my actual thought processes. But you’ve no idea what I’m actually thinking. Especially those of you who’ve never even met me in person.

So, if you want to read this dribble, so be it — feel free to. But you’re the one who clicked onto this website. You should know just what to expect by doing so.

Several years ago, Alec Baldwin played a character in a Saturday Night Live skit where he was surprised to learn that his voice sounded gay to other people. Every time he recorded a voice message in a normal voice, the recorded playback piped back an incredibly feminine voice, with disco paying in the background. Although it was a pretty funny skit, I never really gave it any further thought.

But today, I went to a bookstore here in Bangkok to get something to read for my upcoming trip to Bali and Australia. While there, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful Thai woman there. We wound up having a great time, we exchanged phone numbers, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together. I had a great time.

But once again, I’m leaving Bangkok first thing tomorrow morning. Deja-fuckin’-vu, right?

I swear to all that is holy, if I meet yet another attractive girl RIGHT before either she or I move to another country, I’m gonna beat every last one of you fuckers about the head and neck with a dead flounder.

But even more disconcerting than the fact that I’ve no realistic chance of pursuing a relationship with this chick (yet again), is what she let slip later in the day. Apparently, the main reason why she felt comfortable enough to talk to me in the first place — she thought I was gay.

Me? Gay?

What? The? Fuck?

I don’t see it. I really don’t. But then again, that Kiwi girl I met in Vietnam last month told me something similar. Specifically, she said that I may have been here in Asia too long, because I apparently no longer have some of the more ‘masculine’ mannerisms used by Western blokes.

At first, I chalked that up to the fact she hasn’t spent much time here in Asia (and to my propensity for using obscure words most guys don’t otherwise use in everyday conversation). But now a Thai girl is also telling me the same thing.

Umm … yah, perhaps I may have been here too long.

It’s ironic, one of the things I sought to accomplish by coming to Asia (as well as exploring Buddhism and furthering my yoga practice) was to reduce my Western aggressive tendencies, and to stop acting like such a loud American prick, in general. And I also chose to move around so much because I no longer wanted to deal with all the drama bullshit that comes with having a long-term girlfriend.

So now … I tend not to get mad anymore when people bump into me on the street, or step on my toes on the train, or just act like pricks in general. And now my posture and mannerisms have indeed changed due to my extensive yoga practice. And I’ve also learned (except for the past month, of course) generally not to pursue women I’m attracted to because I know I won’t be sticking around in one location for too long.

Wait a sec — no aggressive tendencies? good posture? no more stupid pick up lines? — holy hell, I DO sound kinda gay!!

Fuck that shit!! No more yoga — I’m going back to the boxing gym. Time to start hitting people again. Hard!

And I tell ya’, this whole Buddhism ‘be nice to people’ shit is for faggots!

And to hell with the fact that I may never have a long term relationship out here — I’m gonna start chattin’ up the birds as much as I can, wherever I can, whenever I can. To hell with all that ‘deep feelings’ bullshit! … Let’s just be honest. You want it. I wanna give it to you. So let’s fuck!

Hey, I think it’s working!! I can feel the gayness draining out of me already!!

According to this brilliant website, the next big fashion trend for the tragically hip urban male is … wait for it, wait for it …

Mantyhose (as in ‘pantyhose for men’).

Yes, you read that right — MANTYHOSE.

Apparently aware of the stigma attached with wearing women’s underwear, the stated purpose of this website is to ‘accelerate the acceptance of male pantyhose as a regular clothing item.”

As such, the site provides — among other things — an illustrated male pantyhose wearer’s survival guide for any potential ‘mantyhosers’ wishing to successfully integrate their new tights fashion accessory into their wardrobe. Among the serving suggestions is this gem:

Act and behave as usual: this way you are communicating to others that you are in fact a usual guy.

Only a very few people will notice that you are wearing pantyhose. You should communicate with your clothes and behavior that you are not there to show off yourself in pantyhose, but rather to do your regular business – shopping, walking etc. You may also wear support pantyhose at the beginning for more “legitimacy”.

A usual guy? Legitimacy?

What. The. Fuck.

For the love of Christ! You’re wearing women’s underwear and you’re worried about legitimacy?!? Good god man, it’s a new year, a new President … a new beginning — get a fucking grip!!

Uggh … I just threw up a little in my mouth.

(Via Failblog.org)

Everyday Normal Guy — Jon Lajoie

Ahh, we laugh because it’s funny, and we laugh because it’s true (sorta … ish).

CNN is reporting that, over the past several years, the U.S. government has been spying on Americans’ intimate conversations abroad. In particular, the report states:

A terrorist surveillance program instituted by the Bush administration allows the intelligence community to monitor phone calls between the United States and overseas without a court order — as long as one party to the call is a terror suspect.

Adrienne Kinne, a former U.S. Army Reserves Arab linguist, told ABC News the NSA was listening to the phone calls of U.S. military officers, journalists and aid workers overseas who were talking about “personal, private things with Americans who are not in any way, shape or form associated with anything to do with terrorism.”

David Murfee Faulk, a former U.S. Navy Arab linguist, said in the news report that he and his colleagues were listening to the conversations of military officers in Iraq who were talking with their spouses or girlfriends in the United States.

According to Faulk, they would often share the contents of some of the more salacious calls stored on their computers, listening to what he called “phone sex” and “pillow talk.”

So lemme get this straight … on the one hand, we’ve sacrficed our civil liberties so the ‘god fearing’ folks in the Bush Administration could moniter our personal calls, emails, etc.; while on the other hand, a whole other set of civil liberties have been lost because those same nutjobs, in the name of everything holy, work to ban ‘pornographic’ material on U.S. goverment installations.

As a result, governmental personnel have now resorted to listening in on ‘phone sex’ calls smply to get their daily recommended allowance of porn. Umm … does that pretty much sum it up?

Does anyone else see the irony here, or am I taking crazy pills again?

As I may have mentioned before, although I owned a 55″ HDTV, I got rid of my cable about 2 years ago in lieu of renting movies, reading books, and playing on the interwebs.

As a result, during that time, I generally have not been privy to the outstanding network news produced in the U.S. (and in particular, the fantastic coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death), nor have I had the luxury of watching the 2-3 actually good cable channels out there.

But now I’m hanging out at my friend’s house. And he’s got cable. A lot of cable.

Fuel TV is obviously one of the few channels I’ve been watching religiously since I got here (duh).

G4 TV is another (although I don’t play video games).

Although G4 is generally dedicated to maintaining the everlasting virginity of the “video-gamer” croud, they often have some interesting internet links and video clips.

This extremely gay video madness that I just saw on G4′s “Attack of The Show” is one of them. It’s abvsolutely brilliant! (Tom Cruise as a gay unicorn? … Priceless!) It’s also fucking hysterical.

Not that I advocate such stuff, but I would also assume that smoking, drinking, ingesting, or otherwise subjecting yourself to some type of mind-altering substance would greatly enhance your viewing pleasure (not that I’ve ever engaged in such activities personally).

Planet Unicorn (NSFH – Not Safe For Homophobes)