A Bowl of Stupid

As one would imagine, when I head out to the islands (with no electricity and no running water and such), I don’t keep up on the news as much as I might otherwise. Indeed, over the past couple years, I’ve realized that I can gather most of the news I need from the surf report.

Notwithstanding, I HAVE heard about this whole ‘global economic meltdown’ thingy that’s going on. And I heard from several sources — online, televised, written and otherwise — that there may be the stirrings of a genuine economic recovery starting back in the States.

But then I read this uplifting op-ed piece in today’s New York Times, from where the above picture was pilfered. The authors claim:

We are sympathetic to the extraordinary challenge the president faces, but if we’ve learned anything at all two years into the worst financial crisis of our lifetimes, it is that a capital-markets system this dependent on public confidence is a shockingly inadequate foundation upon which to rest our economy.

On the bright side, although one of the authors, Mr. Sandy Lewis, was convicted on federal charges of stock manipulation in 1989, he was pardoned by President Bill Clinton in 2001 and had his lifetime trading ban overturned by the Securities and Exchange Commission in 2006. As such, he can obviously lend his talents towards fixing the current situation.

Umm … perhaps ‘fixing’ wasn’t the bast choice of wording.

Regardless, I’m sure Prez Obama will think ‘outside the box’ to sort this whole mess out. Oh yeah, although he promised to change the whole paradigm in Washington, he IS still just a politician — and a Democrat, at that. Which explains why he ‘handed over his economic policy to worn-out Wall Street gorgons like Larry Summers and Bob Rubin.’

Oh, okay. Well then, there must still be a whole bunch of other people who can still straighten this mess out from the outside-in, right?

I mean, consider Goldman Sachs’ new adviser, Arthur Levitt Jr., the former chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission. He’s gonna be helpful.

Oh wait, what’s that you say? Levitt helped convince Bill Clinton to make two of the most important bad decisions that led to this financial crisis. So now he’s still around helping to liaise between Goldman Sachs and the government.

Oh … okay. Yeah, I see your point — we’re all still pretty fucked. Okay then, I’m going back to the islands and stick to reading the surf reports.

In honor of the newly baptized ‘Swine Flu’ pandemic emanating from the great State of Mexico (the 51st, I believe), I thought the following tune from one of the most unappreciated bands from the late 1980′s — Big Pig, may be appropriate.

The song is Breakaway, and for those of you under the age of 25, the video is from the opening credits to one of THE best movies of all time — 1989′s Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (ironically, the clip is from a Spanish dubbed version of the movie).

Enjoy … and keep the hell away from me, you infected bastards.

It’s been widely reported that X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the blockbuster that was supposed to start the wave of 2009 summer movies, is really bad. This, after the unfinished movie was leaked online a month before its world premiere.

The authorized movie trailers do nothing to dispel the buzz that the film is nothing more than a celebrity-packed “B movie.”

And just last night, I saw something locally here in Asia that just adds more fuel to the fire.

Out here in Asia, we’re understandably limited in the number of English speaking television networks, with HBO, Star World and XPN being three (3) of the most ubiquitous. Both HBO and Star have sister networks, with Star Movies being the most popular of the Star networks.

This week, Star Movies is advertising that it will be showing X-Men Origins: Wolverine on PAY PER VIEW on it’s Asian release date next week, rather than going to movie theatres. Let me say that again, THE summer blockbuster has been reduced to essentially a ‘straight to DVD’ production.

Great news, as I can look forward to seeing a pirated DVD version I can buy for .50 cents (US) in the next few days!

This Op-Ed Column in the New York Times, entitled “When Nature Calls”, which details the bizarre case of an air traveler who was refused use of a business-class lavatory on a Delta Air Lines flight, offers a morality tale for our age:

I can hear the snippy reply from the flight attendants, mostly middle-aged themselves, all of whom think the fun of flying disappeared some decades back — about the same time as their job security and sense of humor — and would rather be sipping mojitos in Sanibel than talking up seven-dollar “wraps.”

“You’ll have to wait, Sir. We’re doing the drinks and tiny pack of peanuts service.”

The intonation of that “Sir” will be familiar to many of you, a tone peculiar to American airline companies, one in which resentment, superiority, fear, contempt and impatience are coiled into a venomous parody of politeness — a three-letter expletive really — that stands the notion of service on its head and tells the whole dismal story of U.S. carriers in recent years.

My apologies to any waitresses … err, stewardesses … err, flight attendants who may be reading, but this type of shit (no pun intended) is why I don’t fly American-based airlines anymore. And why I hate flight attendants in general … except the ones on Air Asia — they do it old school, hiring only the hottest women regardless of their skill level.

So surf season here in Bali is lurching forward, one minor swell at a time. The winds have changed, the rains have stopped, the surf is picking up, and the entire island seems to be buzzing with a renewed energy.

Yet something else seems amiss.

Oh yeah, the start of surf season here in Bali also hearkens the onset of the annual Australian migration.

The rainy season here generally coincides with the Australian summer. So all of the Aussies are back home, drinking shitty beer, eating copious amounts of beef, feeling up livestock, and doing whatever the fuck else those people do on their own time.

But now that winter’s coming there, they’re coming here.

It’s not bad, really. It’s just a bit disconcerting to see so many of the same, nondescript, vapid, blond haired, blue eyed, Bintang shirt wearing surf-drones descending onto the island like swarms of locust.

I’ve not been here long enough to complain in paradise (altho I will … cuz that’s just what I do), but it really is a mixed blessing. It’s great to be rid of the rain and gloom and trash. And it’s awesome that we’re having consistently good surf again. And yes, it’s even really nice to have new blood in the mix again.

But Aussies? Do they all have to be Aussies?

Really? Sigh. Oh well, I suppose one’s gotta take the good with the bad.

Well then, we’d better amp up production of shitty beer, silly t-shirts, and ‘availible’ livestock — cuz they’re all gonna go fast!

P.S. This is the maid speaking.

Several years ago, Alec Baldwin played a character in a Saturday Night Live skit where he was surprised to learn that his voice sounded gay to other people. Every time he recorded a voice message in a normal voice, the recorded playback piped back an incredibly feminine voice, with disco paying in the background. Although it was a pretty funny skit, I never really gave it any further thought.

But today, I went to a bookstore here in Bangkok to get something to read for my upcoming trip to Bali and Australia. While there, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful Thai woman there. We wound up having a great time, we exchanged phone numbers, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together. I had a great time.

But once again, I’m leaving Bangkok first thing tomorrow morning. Deja-fuckin’-vu, right?

I swear to all that is holy, if I meet yet another attractive girl RIGHT before either she or I move to another country, I’m gonna beat every last one of you fuckers about the head and neck with a dead flounder.

But even more disconcerting than the fact that I’ve no realistic chance of pursuing a relationship with this chick (yet again), is what she let slip later in the day. Apparently, the main reason why she felt comfortable enough to talk to me in the first place — she thought I was gay.

Me? Gay?

What? The? Fuck?

I don’t see it. I really don’t. But then again, that Kiwi girl I met in Vietnam last month told me something similar. Specifically, she said that I may have been here in Asia too long, because I apparently no longer have some of the more ‘masculine’ mannerisms used by Western blokes.

At first, I chalked that up to the fact she hasn’t spent much time here in Asia (and to my propensity for using obscure words most guys don’t otherwise use in everyday conversation). But now a Thai girl is also telling me the same thing.

Umm … yah, perhaps I may have been here too long.

It’s ironic, one of the things I sought to accomplish by coming to Asia (as well as exploring Buddhism and furthering my yoga practice) was to reduce my Western aggressive tendencies, and to stop acting like such a loud American prick, in general. And I also chose to move around so much because I no longer wanted to deal with all the drama bullshit that comes with having a long-term girlfriend.

So now … I tend not to get mad anymore when people bump into me on the street, or step on my toes on the train, or just act like pricks in general. And now my posture and mannerisms have indeed changed due to my extensive yoga practice. And I’ve also learned (except for the past month, of course) generally not to pursue women I’m attracted to because I know I won’t be sticking around in one location for too long.

Wait a sec — no aggressive tendencies? good posture? no more stupid pick up lines? — holy hell, I DO sound kinda gay!!

Fuck that shit!! No more yoga — I’m going back to the boxing gym. Time to start hitting people again. Hard!

And I tell ya’, this whole Buddhism ‘be nice to people’ shit is for faggots!

And to hell with the fact that I may never have a long term relationship out here — I’m gonna start chattin’ up the birds as much as I can, wherever I can, whenever I can. To hell with all that ‘deep feelings’ bullshit! … Let’s just be honest. You want it. I wanna give it to you. So let’s fuck!

Hey, I think it’s working!! I can feel the gayness draining out of me already!!

That’s right … bros before hoes. Deal with it, sucka.

According to their website:

Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for the Disabled is a national nonprofit serving quadriplegic and other people with severe spinal cord injuries or mobility-impairments by providing highly trained monkeys to assist with daily activities.

I’m sorry to be a dick about this — I know it’s a really good cause and there are a whole bunch of disabled people who benefit from this program, but after my initial desire to get one of these furry little fuckers for myself, my very next thought was:

Isn’t this how “Planet of the Apes” started? (not the stupid Tim Burton version, though).

Yes, these monkeys look all cute and cuddly now. Yes, they provide substantive and broad-based assistance to quadriplegic individuals. Yes, it’s a unique concept using a trained monkey to run the country help disabled folks and all. Sure, it would finally provide the perfect cover for when I buy adult diapers. (Err … forget that last one).

But can’t you people see? — this is all part of their master plan!!

First the monkeys have us bring them into our homes. Then they start stealing our peanut butter, and the next thing you know they’re performing human brain surgery … all in the name of simian survival.

Some of you probably think I’m overreacting, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?

Hehe – hehe …maybe I am. But when the revolution comes and you’re being led around on a leash, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

I know the title of this post is probably one that will be, or has already been, used many times this week, but really … WHAT THE FUCK?

After months of (in my opinion) useless demonstrations, things have been taken to a whole other level of insanity. Specifically, the anti-government group People’s Alliance for Democracy (PAD) has been leading protests against the government since May, accusing the government of being a front for ousted former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, and protesters surrounded the parliament building on Monday, forcing lawmakers to postpone their session.

Now, according to the latest from CNN:

Blasts at two Bangkok airports wounded four people early Wednesday, triggering the closure of the main international airport, authorities said.

The explosions come a day after thousands of anti-government protesters stormed the airports to protest the return of Thai Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat from the APEC summit in Peru.

One blast occurred at Suvarnabhumi Airport at 5 a.m. (2200 Tuesday GMT), an airport official said. One person was wounded in that attack.

Continued protests caused authorities to cancel all incoming and outgoing flights there.

I know I kid a lot, but this is really fucked up — especially considering it’s taking place in a Bhuddist country (and somewhere I called home as recently as last week).

For the first time in a while, I’m glad to be anywhere BUT Bangkok right now. All I can do now is hope for quick and non-violent outcome, and of course that all my friends in Thailand emege from this unscathed … soon!

Nuff said.

The latest news:

Stocks plunged Thursday, sending the Dow Jones industrial average down 679 points — more than 7 percent — to its lowest level in five years.

In light of this latest revelation, I’m dedicating this one to all our friends with a stake in the U.S. and world stock markets:

C’mon, sing along, I KNOW you know the words … (cuz I’m free, free falling…)

Today, Bloomberg.com reports that U.S. Stocks Drop as Recession Concern Outweighs Rate Reductions

Oct. 8 (Bloomberg) — U.S. stocks fell for a sixth day after Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said more banks may collapse and unprecedented global interest-rate cuts failed to convince investors the economy will avoid a recession.

And Yahoo Finance further reports today that:

“The world economy is now entering a major downturn in the face of the most dangerous shock in mature financial markets since the 1930s,” the Internatinal Monetary Fund [IMF] said in its World Economic Outlook.

Like Jon Stewart said, it’s starting to look like Lord of the Flies down here. We’re all on a rudderless ship, folks … the pilot has ejected, the plane is on fire, and we’re all still on the plane … it’s Lord of The Flies down here!!!

Sorry, I’ve no pithy commentary for this one. I kinda saw this coming, but I honestly didn’t think it would get THIS bad. Crap.

I’m back home in Bangkok after a nice relaxing trip to Luang Prabang, Lao PDR. Just in time to celebrate my 30th birthday (ahem) in style — and queue the music …

‘One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster The bars are temples but the pearls ain’t free You’ll find a god in every golden cloister …’

Bowling in Luang Prabang: Good.

Beer Lao: Good.

Lao-Lao (homemade) whiskey: Questionable.

Resulting Hangover: Bad.

Try to remember this the next time one of your buddies tells you to do something like that.