As was aptly noted by Vanessa Byers earlier this week (while I was off on a 3 day bender), the entire State of Florida has been on fire for about a week now.

Specifically, forestry officials state that 236 wildfires rage in 55 of the state’s 67 counties.

Those fires, in conjunction with the southernly blowing winds from the first (sub)tropical storm of the year, Andrea, turned all of South Florida into a smoky, hazy morass for most of the week.

Not to totally disregard the negative repercussions of these fires to thousands of innocent Floridians, but the fact the entire State of Florida is on fire seems to me the most fitting end to my time here in the State.

An entire state on fire? Just as I’m planning to leave — possible forever?

How fucking appropriate is that?

It’s almost as if nature is acting as my own personal Cortez, thus ensuring my departure as the only means of long-term survival.

And quite frankly, I could care less. All I know is that I’ve never been so glad I’m leaving Miami.

UPDATE: [P.S.] Just in case anyone was wondering, I had absolutely nothing to do with any of those fires. Really. No … really!

In our continuing quest to bring you the best in international advertising clips, we present the following (NSFW):

Well, that sure would explain reggaeton music.

(Via Can’t Coach That)

In making any major life-altering decisions, one is always told to weigh the pros and cons of the situation.

Personally, I don’t particularly see the benefits of engaging in such a fruitless exercise. But in the interest of fairness to all the self-help gurus promoting this dribble (and to appease several of my Miamian friends questioning my decision to possibly leave the area), here are some of my “pros” and “cons” in connection with a potential departure from Miami:

Wow, I stand corrected. That exercise was very helpful. Thanks guys!

The other day, TK posted this.

The following day, I responded by posting this.

In response, TK yesterday posted this, kindly “wishing a good weekend to Matt (Your hell will be an icy one, you fucker).”

Then, this morning, I wake up to this:

48 degrees!?! 42 degrees!?! In Miami!?!

Are you crazy… Is that your problem?

Given my easy access to such an open public forum, I thought I would be remiss to not at least make mention of this.

Eddie McIntyre, the best friend of a very good friend, just took his life the other night. The obituary was just posted today here in the Miami Herald.

In talking with my friend while trying to help her through it, I was telling her that I personally am having a hard time wrapping my head around the situation. First off, although I didn’t know him all that well, to the extent I did, I knew that Eddie was just an all-around good guy who deserved better. Secondly, she and Eddie have been friends for many many years and I shudder to think of what it’s doing to her.

However, the main issue I’m having trouble with is understanding how, despite the fact that Eddie was very successful, had an abundance of friends, and was very active in the community, his chronic depression finally got the best of him. Specifically, it’s difficult for people like myself, who don’t suffer from clinical depression, to understand what it must be like. And this, unfortunately, just highlights the issue. Like most everyone else, I have times when I feel down. But I just can’t seem to grasp how death could be the only solution for someone who apparently has everything else going on for him or her.

My apologies, this should not be, nor did I intend to make this, about me.

I’m glad I got to meet Eddie, and I send out my deepest sympathies to my friend, as well as Eddie’s other family and friends. He was a really good guy, and he will be missed.

First, there was this story out of Fort Myers, Florida, about a crew of fishermen who were stranded 100 miles off Florida’s coast after a pack of bull sharks that had been following their shrimping boat for two days smashed a hole into the ship’s hull and broke its propeller.

Now, there’s this “shocking” story about how actress and former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith died today after being found unconscious in her hotel room up in Hollywood, Florida.

Good grief!

Living here on Miami Beach, I’m afraid to open up my front door for fear of getting hit by a falling satellite, or getting eaten by a land shark, or something equally sinister. I mean, really, if it can happen to someone as sweet and innocent as Anna Nicole, it can happen to anyone.

P.S. Yeah, I know the picture has absolutely nothing to do with sharks, Anna Nicole, or falling satellites; I just like the image of a claymation character getting all liquored up. Somehow, it just seems … appropriate.

On the footsteps of my last post inadvertently plugging car insurance comes this, a post plugging a wine bar located here on Miami Beach. Whereas my last post was based on entertainment value, however, this one is nothing more than a blatant advertisement for my friend’s bar.

My friend Gigi C. Olah and her husband own Vino Miami, probably the only serious wine bar and retail wine outlet located on Miami Beach. Although Miami Beach is well known for having purportedly outstanding food and drink, there is in actuality very little of both. And that which is here is outrageously overpriced beyond the grasp of locals seeking a decent and reliable local restaurant (read: not worth the money).

Vino, however, has gained a reputation among us locals for having high quality wines at reasonable prices. The menu features a world-class selection of small production and boutique wines and champagnes by the glass and bottle. In addition, Vino’s food menu is designed to pair specifically with the wine selection.

Now, wine aficionados will be able to enjoy a “Uniquey Boutiquey” wine pairing dinner two (2) Thursdays of each month. Each of the bi-monthly dinner offerings will feature a unique food menu to be paired by Gigi with wines from various regions around the world. For anyone here in the Miami area, I highly recommend you check it out. Reservations must be made by 5pm on the Wednesday before the event, and you can contact Gigi through Vino’s website: VinoMiami.com.

The Super Bowl. It’s over. Finally. Until next year.

The game is over. The unnecessary hype is over. The corporate coffers are stuffed with money. The blimps have returned to their hangers. The hung over/strung out football players are back home. The celebrities have crawled back into their coffins tanning beds. And all of the mid-western tourists have left Miami, returning to the frozen tundra from whence they came.

And I have but three (3) words to say:

Thank. Fucking. God.

I’ve recently taken a break from substantive writing, once again due a nice string of illnesses I was lucky to pull together over the course of the past week. Thank you, I like to think of myself as an overachiever. Needless to say, with the number of stomach viruses I’m managed to acquire in the past month, I’ve dropped another 10 pounds, and I now have a whole new concept for the next “South Beach Diet” book. Look for it in stores this summer.

Moving on.

As is well known, South Florida is a particularly nice place to live during the winter months. However, I should also add that I rarely leave the city of Miami Beach which, as you can see below, is a peninsula separated from mainland Miami by the expansive Biscayne Bay. This helps to insulate Miami Beach from the chaos typically occurring on a daily basis in the bowels of Miami proper. As an added plus, we actually have indoor plumbing over here on the Beach.

It’s very much as if you visit a major resort located in the middle of an emerging third-world country. The resort itself is very nice and well maintained, but as soon as you leave the front gates, you’ll be lucky to find a place that has running water and domesticated animals.

If you think I’m kidding, the next time you come to the Miami area, take a 5 minute trip from Miami Beach to Hialeah, where 92% of its population speaks Spanish as a first language, or to Opa-locka, which has one of the highest violent crime rates in the United States. Hell, you could make a day of it and go see them both – just remember to get your shots first.

It is for this reason that I find the idea of holding the Super Bowl here – in Miami proper – to be such an outlandish proposition. Based on the flaws that exist on the Miami mainland, there’s a good probability that 99% of the tourists will instead be placed on Miami Beach. And those who can’t afford that will stay as close to the Beach as possible and be provided only limited access to the rest of Miami. Indeed, I’ve already seen teams of courtesy vans busing pasty-white mid-westerners directly from their hotels on the mainland back and forth to the Beach.

Given the types of tourists that are now infesting Miami Beach like swarms of obese, pasty, beer guzzling locusts, ready to ingest anything and everything they can fit into their mouths in the days before “the big game,” I’m almost tempted to venture across the Causeway into Miami proper just to see how any of these swarming pests are interacting with “the locals” (as it were). I would imagine it’s somewhat akin to “National Lampoon’s Vacation” meets “Romancing the Stone”, where Clark Griswold and his family visit the Wallyworld located in Medellin, Columbia.

Which brings me to the main point of this post, which may indeed get me skewered by anyone still interested enough to have read this far:

Why haven’t more people pointed out that the “Super Bowl” is a complete load of horseshit?

This statement is applicable on so many levels, but unfortunately, I have only the time and the energy to address but a few. So let’s start with the most obvious.

1. The Super Bowl is Not About a Football Game.

The super bowl is about how much money there is to be fleeced by the corporate sponsors and whatever network shills over which they have control this year. I’m not exactly sure when the Super Bowl stopped being a game, but I’m guessing it was somewhere about the first time Joe Montana mugged into a camera immediately following a victory and, rather than thanking his mother, his god, or his teammates for the win, instead gleefully advised the country that he was taking his family to Disneyland.

Hell, even Terrell Owens takes time off from shilling for the most powerful corporate conglomerates in the world to shower praise upon himself from time to time. Call me a romantic, but I thought the point of playing organized sports was for the love of the game (or yourself, in his case). Yes, I know. Please don’t laugh at my naivety.

The Super Bowl is, unfortunately, the epitome of American organized sports. And the lack of honor now reflected in the NFL, the players unions, and their respective corporate hucksters is the reason why American children no longer play sports for the love of the game. In short, the Super Bowl has infected how America views sports – as a business, not a game.

2. The Super Bowl is a Social Event, Not a Sporting Event.

This may seem a bit superfluous to my first point, but needs to be addressed separately. It is well know that there are parties being hosted every night for the two week period leading up to the day of the game – much like a traditional Indian wedding, I would think. The event itself is minimal and of little consequence. However, the preceding festivals and rituals take weeks and require months of preparation.

The same thing goes for the game itself. Tell me the last time you’ve been to a Super Bowl party and seen anyone paying attention to the game after the halftime show — or sober enough to do so. So anyone who says they are actually pining to see the actual game – not the god-damn commercials or the halftime show – is either lying, ignorant, or being paid great deal of money to feign interest (see point No. 1 above).

You want proof of this point? Find someone who can tell me the final score of — or even who was playing in — the Superbowl game where Janet Jackson flashed her boob (*shudder*).

3. The Super Bowl is Not the Best Football Game of the Year. Period. End of Story.

Even assuming, arguendo, that the NFL was still a legitimate conduit for team sports, the Super Bowl is the last outlet for gauging the best football team. I learned this point over a decade ago when the game was hosted in San Diego, where I was living at the time. For various reasons, I had access to many of the insider parties taking place during the weeks leading up the game. I’ve been privy (and party) to copious drug and alcohol use before, but I was absolutely astounded at the amount of alcohol, pot, cocaine, and various other stimulants and/or hallucinogens being ingested by the professional football players I met, who were allegedly set to play “the game of their life” in just a matter of days.

Indeed, it seems more players get arrested or injured in the weeks leading up to the super bowl than any other time during the year – including the off-season. Just look at Stanley Wilson, Barret Robbins, Ray Lewis, Solomon Wilcots, and Eugene Robinson. Although this year may be the exception, with at least 35 NFL players having been arrested this past season on charges ranging from disorderly conduct to felony burglary.

In this regard, thank heavens the game is being hosted in Miami this year. As everyone is well aware, this town is world renowned for its lack of tolerance towards rampant partying and drug use. So I’m guessing there’s going to be nothing of the sort taking place this year.

4. The Underlying Question of “Which is the Best Team in the NFL” is Itself Entirely Flawed.

This question is akin to asking “which was the best Batman movie?” All of the contestants are incoherent, poorly acted, over-hyped, and stuffed with product placements and celebrity profiles, all in an attempt to make up for the fact that they all bear little resemblance to the package that had been originally purported.

Hearkening back again to my first point, football stopped being a game decades ago. It is now a professional corporation. Let me say that again, the NFL is not in the business of running football games, it is in the business of making money.

The players on the field are not there for the love of the game. They could care less about the teams for which they play and the fans who root them on. If you think I’m wrong, then why is free agency so rampant? Why are players more concerned with what they’re getting paid than where they play, or for whom they play?

It makes no difference who may be “the best” in this corporate environment, especially since there is a greater likelihood than not that your favorite player will be playing for your nemesis the following year. In the grand scheme, all other issues inherently fade to shades of money. Professional sports are not games, they are businesses. And unless I’m getting paid to root for my favorite corporations, I see no logical reason to do so.

And this brings me to my final point of the day, one which, again, I will adduce will earn me much scorn from those who choose to read this post:

5. Other than Pure and Abject Boredom, There is Absolutely No Valid Reason to Root for a Professional Sports Team.

Hell, I get bored too, but I don’t go out into dark alleys to get mugged just to kill time. But that is exactly what anyone – anyone – does who makes a regular habit of rooting blindly for a professional sports team.

The players, the owners, and the networks broadcasting the games, are only involved to make money off of the sports’ fans. If this were not the case, and they simply wanted to provide a service to the community, then why do so many network affiliates and team owners conspire to “blackout” games, refusing to show them in the team’s hometown unless, and only unless, those games are sold-out. Because they don’t want to loose the revenue for the unsold seats. And if they have to deny the actual fans from the only city that cares about that particular team, then so be it. They know the fans will bitch and moan – but they’ll come back like the addicts they are.

I personally get a kick out of seeing obese, middle age, functional alcoholics getting so involved in the fates of their respective professional sports teams and players, regardless of whether their teams win or lose. For someone like myself, a selfish bitter malcontent who is very physically active and very aware of my passing years, there is something deeply satisfying about watching these people.

These are people who have voluntarily relinquished their free time, time which could be better spent traveling, reading, running, or doing one of any number of activities other than sitting in front of a television and living vicariously through the actions of excessively-drugged prima donas who themselves could not care if their “fans” live or die in their favorite “Bark-o-loungers” watching the game.

I think it’s good to look up to somebody. It’s good to look towards others to assist you in setting your goals. But when that other persons goals become your goals exclusively, well, that’s just plain unhealthy. Especially when that other person is doing so directly to your detriment.

Given the foregoing, why the hell are professional sports still so popular? Are the corporate advertisers that good, or is the general public simply that stupid?

UPDATE:

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been lucky enough to meet some great people through this blog, including TK (a.k.a., Lo Pan) from over at Uncooked Meat. Usually he and I see eye to eye on an alarming number of items — music, movies, transsexual hookers. However, he had some comments to make about my immediately precedent post condemning professional sports today. As he writes in his blog today:

“I [TK] originally wrote an exhaustively long comment on his [my] site, but then figured it’s not fair to bore his readers with my bullshit. Plus, Matt doesn’t swear very much, so I always feel bad when I lace my responses with my usual fucks and shits. So I figured I’d respond here, bore my readers with my bullshit, and we could do a little cross-blogging.”

(I was under the impression that I curse like a sailor, but maybe those are just “the voices” again. Whatever.)

Anyway, I though it was a great idea. Take a look at what TK has to say over here. He disagrees with several of my points, and also brings up some really good points of his own. And for anyone else reading, please feel free to add your comments to the fray.

I’m still looking up “pseudo-intellectual” in the dictionary, but when I’m done I may have a response.

As I’ve mentioned ad nauseam, last night was the screening of Sipping Jetstreams, which was presented as part of a Charity Event by the local South Florida Chapter of the Surfrider Foundation.

Not only was it a really nice night which raised some desperately needed money for the guys over at Surfrider, I won a $25.00 gift certificate donated by South Beach Divers, the only full service dive shop located on Miami Beach. Sweet.

Anyway, I had not seen the movie before, and I was absolutely blown away. It’s not a long film, which is actually a good thing for surf flicks (other than “Riding Giants”, of course) since many tend to get boring with the same guys pulling the same moves over and over for 2 hours. However, this film (and accompanying book) by Taylor Steele and Dustin Humphrey is anything but the norm.

From the markets and souks of Marrakech in Morocco to the blues of the Atlantic in Barbados, from Japan to Cuba, Italy, Hong Kong, and Egypt, Sipping Jetstreams is a photographic journey of discovery and adventure. This two-year odyssey focuses not just on the surfing but the places and the faces of each destination.

Here’s the teaser trailer for the film.

Sipping Jetstreams

Yes, they got great footage of some beautiful people whom otherwise would never would have gained international exposure, and some incredible footage from places not generally considered to be surfing hot-spots. Moreover, it’s got a much more diverse soundtrack than most other surfing movies out there, including songs from Massive Attack, Years Around the Sun, and the Buena Vista Social Club.

This leads me to my second video in this post – the inevitable music video clip. I’m not letting this devolve into a discussion about Cuba. Needless to say it’s a “big ticket item” down here in Miami. I try not to get involved since it has very little to do with me. However, one of the inadvertent benefits of the Cuban influence down here is that I dated a Cubana girlfriend who introduced me to the “Buena Vista Social Club” several years ago.

If you’ve never heard their sound, I’ve been told it’s uniquely Cuban. And it is a bit unlike anything else I’ve heard, from other Latin countries or elsewhere. The sound is amazing (wait for the trumpet), and the video is beautiful and touching. Take a listen.

Buena Vista Social Club – Chan Chan

I’m playing hooky today. A nice cool weather system blew through the Miami area yesterday and left with it some nice waist to chest-high sets. The air temperature cooled down into the 60’s overnight and right now, as of 9:15 or so, the air temp is still only about 60-65 degrees (F). But the water temperature is hovering at about 70 degrees, so it shouldn’t be too bad out there with a spring suit (shorty) on.

As an aside, for anybody down here in the Miami Beach area, if you take a look over at the Miami-Dade County Surf Forecast, you’ll see that the Surfrider Foundation, South Florida Chapter, has added a second show for tonight’s public screening at the Miami Beach Botanical Garden, of the amazing surf film “Sipping Jetstreams: An Adventure in Life” by Taylor Steele and Dustin Humphrey:

From the markets and souks of Marrakech in Morocco to the blues of the Atlantic in Barbados, from Japan to Cuba, Italy, Hong Kong, and Egypt, Sipping Jetstreams is a photographic journey of discovery and adventure. This two-year odyssey focuses not just on the surfing but the places and the faces of each destination.

Food and beverages will be sold at the event. All funds raised during the evening will be used by the Surfrider Foundation South Florida Chapter to run effectively its campaigns (getting beach access re-opened at Haulover, funding water testing at the Key Biscayne Nature Center, creating teaching materials so kids can learn about Florida’s watershed, among others). Help Surfrider accomplish its mission in protecting oceans, waves and beaches. Come and see a surf flick!

I’m going to be at both showings the 10:00 p.m. showing, and if anyone else wants to show up – the more the merrier. The plan is for a bunch of us to go out for a couple beers afterwards, as well.

UPDATE:

The surf this morning was simply outstanding. The air temp quickly warmed from 60 to 75 degrees (F), with the water temp about the same. When I first got out, there was a nice offshore breeze coming from the west, and the water was glassy with a nice ground swell putting together some nice chest high sets. It reminded me of California conditions more than Miami.

And then the tide changed. And the wind changed. And the kooks came out of the woodwork. And the last hour of my session was a bit of a nightmare. You ever see slalom skiers? It’s about the same concept, only in this case, you’re trying to get around a bunch of mooks sitting inside the surf break right where you want to go. Well, it’s still a beautiful day, I had some good clean waves for a while, and I’m really in no place to complain when I heard on the radio on the way home that the temperature is in the single digits up in Philly, Boston and New York City.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

-Margaret Mead

I’m plagiarizing from the Miami-Dade County Surf Forecast website, but it seemed appropriate given that: (1) there was surf this week in the ol’ MIA, and (2) the Florida Office of Citizens Services has responded to the inquiry and letter campaign of the South Florida Chapter of the Surfrider Foundation (see my earlier post, “Haulover Inlet Beach Accessway“, about how a local developer and the Village of Bal Harbour have conspired to appropriate public parking and access to the local beach).

In response, the Florida Department of Environmental Protection sent out the following e-mail:

Governor Charlie Crist received your e-mail and asked me to respond about closing the public access and parking area at the Village of Bal Harbour.

The Florida Department of Transportation owns the public access and parking area and leases it to the Village of Bal Harbour. In 1999, the Department of Environmental Protection provided funding to Miami-Dade County for the Bal Harbour Shore Protection Project. The amount of funding was based on public access and 65 parking spaces located under the Haulover Inlet Bridge. The funding contract with Miami-Dade County for the Bal Harbour Shore Protection Project has expired.

The Department of Environmental Protection will visit the site in the next 30 days to assess the condition of public access and parking. If our site visit confirms there is no longer a public parking area or public access, the Department of Environmental Protection will notify Miami-Dade County that it is unable to provide similar funding for shore protection projects in this area unless parking and public access is restored.

The Florida Department of Transportation, as the owner of the property, is also conducting a separate review of the location under its authorities. Thank you for your interest in Florida’s beaches.

Sincerely,
John R. Peterson, Director
Office of Citizen Services
Florida Department of Environmental Protection

It’s typical non-committal legalize, like the stuff I would write if I were in their position. However, given that the evidence supports our claims, it seems likely that the FDEP will enforce the relevant access provisions, and we will have our surf break back. Niiiiice.

I’m heading back out into the water this afternoon to celebrate.

Given the global nature of the internet and the fact that only about 10 people visit this site (or any of my other sites, for that matter), I tend to shy away from talking about anything local to the Miami area simply because nobody tends to give a damn. But this is different.

In case I have not mentioned previously, I am a member of the Surfrider Foundation. I have been for many many years.

For anyone not familiar, Surfrider exists to protect access to, and safeguard and improve the quality of the beaches and oceans where surfers dwell. Interestingly enough, it appears there may also be some sort of “aquatic creatures” dwelling in those waters, also in need of protection from the things of man.

Here in Miami, it’s hard enough to find anywhere to surf to begin with (other than during the hurricanes, when you have to dodge flying air conditioners).* That task is made infinitely harder as more and more large scale developments have been put up along the beach, preventing access to the water across their “private beaches.” One such cocksucker condo developer, WCI Communities, is one of the largest and most powerful development companies in the country, with establishments in southwest Florida, southeast Florida, Jacksonville Beach, and in the northeast U.S.

Six months ago, it was learned that WCI surreptitiously, and illegally, closed off parking and beach access to one of the only remaining public beaches with a decent surf break, located in Bal Harbour (just north of Miami Beach). After Surfrider members Steve Sprechman and KC Cohen reported this violation, Surfrider jumped into action and uncovered that Bal Harbour Village and the cocksuckers condo developers had indeed broken the law with these closures.

The activism of Surfrider members resulted in portions of the parking being returned to the public and a temporary beach access path being created, but this fight isn’t over. WCI and the Village have fought against proper enforcement of State Law every step of the way and THEY ARE STILL NOT IN COMPLIANCE. Currently, surfers, fishermen and beach-goers must walk over ½ a mile across 4 lanes of traffic between parking and the surf zone. More importantly, WCI and the Village are conspiring to permanently reduce parking capacity in the area. WE MUST CONTINUE THE FIGHT to ensure Florida ’s rapid coastal development doesn’t erode the public’s ability to access the beach.

The local South Florida Surfrider chapter has created two easy action steps that interested people can do to help fight the cause.

FIRST, send an ACTION ALERT LETTER! Help raise awareness about the problems at Bal Harbour by sending our new Florida Governor and several other prominent public officials an electronic letter. The simple act of sending a letter can do so much to open doors and bring about change but WE NEED EVERY MEMBER AND FRIEND OF SFL SURFRIDER TO SEND A LETTER. Help Steve and KC finish this fight, it takes less than 2 minutes, link through to Surfrider’s website and SEND YOUR LETTER NOW!

SECOND, if you’re here in Miami, COME SEE A SURF FLICK! In order to raise the funds needed to continue our campaign for beach access at Haulover, Surfrider is hosting a special public screening of the visual masterpiece “Sipping Jetstreams” on Friday, January 26th at the Miami Beach Botanical Garden. Join Surfrider and the rest of the South Florida surf community for a fun filled evening of exotic surf entertainment, food, drinks & raffle prizes; fun for all ages. Buy your tickets now at Brown Bag Tickets.com and help Surfrider protect your local waters, waves and beaches.

Use these links to learn more about the Surfrider Foundation and the South Florida Chapter.

* True story, by the way. I was out surfing on South Beach last year during Katrina and a huge refrigeration unit got blown off the top of one of these monstrous condos and landed in the water about 10 feet from me. I paddled in soon thereafter.

I’m pretty sure Miami Beach has made this its city motto. Indeed, at this point, I think they invite the tourists simply to taunt them. Let me explain.

My buddy is back from his European Christmas tour for a few days before he heads back out to work in Singapore for another couple months. As usual, this means every one in our “group of friends” must hang out together for the three days he’s here. He really is the “connector” amongst us (ref. Malcolm Gladwell). I like it when he’s back in town. It’s always nice to catch up with my good friends whom I haven’t seen or heard from in a month yet live right down the block. Tomorrow, as usual, we are having another piaella party/barbeque and fishing tournament out back to commemorate.

Although I hear there is also a heat wave up north right now, this is one of the few things I truly like about Miami – it’s January and I still need to run the air conditioner because it gets so warm during the day.

So last night, my buddy rounded up the troops to go out on the town. Although the plan was simply to go have some fun somewhere, we eventually wound up at one of the latest hotspots on Miami Beach – The Sagamore Hotel (which ironically closes at 2 a.m., relatively early for this town). The people at the door were absolutely fucking ridiculous.

If I can step back for a moment, in my opinion, the whole concept of a velvet rope is itself preposterous. Having worked the industry, however, it is at least an understandable way to ensure compliance with fire and dress codes – given the fact that any number of tourists in town attempt to go to these ritzy places wearing flip-flops and tank-tops.

That being said, some of the slack-jawed mouth-breathers that work the doors in this town must have the smallest cocks on the face of the earth. There is truly no other way to explain why they feel the need to demean anyone to whom they do not take a liking. It’s like they have control of nothing else in their life so they over-indulge at work like Rosie O’Donnell at a Sizzler salad bar. Personally, I don’t mind, but I saw the doorman at the Sagamore utterly demolish some kid in his mid-20’s simply because he had the opportunity.

That’s definitely not to say there aren’t many places in Miami that don’t act reasonable, because there are. Indeed, I have friends that work the door, work inside, and have ownership interests in several clubs on Miami Beach, who are all professionals and conduct themselves very reasonably. However, the lion’s share of the places on Miami Beach are worked by a bunch of mooks.

As a local, this is still rarely a problem. As noted, if you live here long enough, you eventually become friends with someone in the industry. And if you don’t, then often someone else you meet will. As such, when I and other locals visit the bars and clubs on the beach, there is a feeling that the rest of the circus is irrelevant and we’re simply trying to go out with friends to enjoy ourselves.

Our bars unfortunately happen to be frequented by celebrity jack-holes and the accompanying kooks following them around like pilot fish. And then there are also the massive number of tourists that arrive between the months of November and April. This is a problem at even the smallest of neighborhood bars on Miami Beach. Again, while the phenomena is understandable, it still tends to get annoying after a time.

Last night was one of those annoying nights. As noted above, we were meeting several people who were already at the Sagamore. But they who guard the rope line do not let in a group of people with anything less than a 50:50 ratio of men to women. My friend called over the manager, whom he knows, but we were still not let us in for that reason. We were told to wait and maybe we would be let in after 30 minutes.

I am 37. I have neither the time nor the patience to wait in line to pay $20 for a bottle of beer I could buy from the 7-11 for $1.50. My friends – who are all 5-10 years younger than I – also do not like to wait. However, unlike me, my friends have absolutely no trepidations about climbing an 8 foot wooden fence to get into this exclusive outdoor hotel bar. Hell, I did the same thing last month the last time this same friend was back in town.

But as I was standing there last night as each of my friends hopped the fence like a group of CIA black-ops agents, I felt utterly ridiculous. The club, Miami Beach, the entire situation came into focus for just a brief moment. Thankfully. Although the moment quickly passed, it was still long enough for me to see the absurdity of it all.

I decided not to climb the fence with my friends. I drew a line in the sand – enough already.

I went around to the front door and made one more attempt to get inside, knowing I won’t be seeing my friend again for a while. And if I wasn’t completely disgusted with the Miami Beach “scene” by then, what happened next sealed the deal.

Given that the Sagamore was not allowing in “men” I approached a group of 3 girls and, after telling them my friends were already inside, I asked if they would let me come in with them. One of them (the cutest, ironically), quickly said “sure, no problem, come on.” I followed them the 20 feet to the door. As they walked through the ropes, however, the first girl in the group told the doormen “He’s not with us.” The other girl I had spoken with looked at me apologetically, but said nothing more as she followed her friends in.

In no other city in which I have lived – including New York and L.A. – have I EVER met people like these in Miami. I have long known they are shallow, self-centered, and pretentious. But until now, I don’t think I fully appreciated just how truly vindictive they can be. In this respect, I’m reminded of the law students at my school who would tear the pages out of library books just so no other students would learn the same information and fuck up their grade.

Flabbergasted, I walked several blocks away to another bar where several of my other friends were having a few drinks.