A Bowl of Stupid

From Opie & Anthony comes this just awesome gem of a video. Apparently Snookie ain’t the only one getting her ass slapped around for mouthing off.*

* For anyone upset over the purported ‘sexist’ nature of that comment or this post, consider the following points: (1) Fuck off, unless you’re in a hiring position I don’t really care much about what you think about me; (2) Western sensibilities have gotten way out of hand, lighten the fuck up you politically-correct, over-sensitive, lactose intolerant, bottled-water swigging, pill-popping pussies; and (3) if someone hits you, you should be allowed hit them back regardless of their sex or age (it’s called self-defense and/or mutual combat), especially if you’re trying to enforce the law.

VANCOUVER (AP): The US team once again proved its superiority by dominating the waterboarding exercises at the 2010 Olympic Games yesterday.

Among the US athletes participating in this year’s Olympic Games were three of the top-ranked waterboarders in the world. Adm Jack Francone, Sgt Brian Naismith and Private Kirstie Jacobs were all ranked in the top 5 by Waterboarding magazine at the start of this year, and they easily saw off the less experienced Afghan and Pakistan teams, and even bested their well-lauded Israeli counterparts.

In the event, team members are given ten minutes to simulate the drowning of a suspect volunteer. Judged like figure skating, each athlete is given marks for technical mastery of the skill and is also judged on his overall artistry.

“What really differentiates one waterboarder from another are the flourishes –- trash talk, a well placed knee on the neck, or a fist in the mouth –- that a particular athlete adds when executing his routine. It really is an art form,” explained the U.S. Team Coach, former Vice President Dick Cheney.

The Iranian team also put in a good showing and have shown remarkable improvement in the event over the past few years, progress some analysts attribute to hands-on lessons received at a “secret training facility” of which the Iranians had denied the existence until this weekend, when they publicly declared themselves a ‘nuclear state’.

The Olympics run through February 28th, concluding with rubber-hose cryptanalysis (in which a rubber hose is applied forcefully and frequently to the soles of the feet until the key to the cryptosystem is discovered, a process that can take a surprisingly short time and is quite computationally inexpensive). Las Vegas has the Iranian team as a 12:1 odds-on favorite to win, although Mr. Cheney has said that he is confident “this years U.S. team will be able to end years of Iranian dominance in this event.”

Wanderer, there is no path, you lay down a path in walking.
-Antonio Machado

I’m off for a few days, at least. I didn’t put things together very well (again) coming back from the States last month, so I’ve got to head to Kuala Lumpur for a few days to renew my Thai visa. Since there’s nothing going on here this late in the year — what with last weeks holidays here in Thailand and everyone else heading to their native lands for the Christmas holidays, I’m gonna make a trip out of it. Do some bus ridin’, do some train ridin’, do some divin’. All that kinda shit.

Should be back in several days, though. And I may update along the way, although — GASP — I’m not taking my laptop with me this time. We’ll see how it unfolds …

**

Although I’ve cut down on my publication of posts here over the past 6-8 months, it doesn’t mean I stopped writing entirely. To the contrary, I’ve probably been writing more, albeit more personal works not really suited for mass consumption (and subsequent regurgitation).

However, by both choice and necessity I’m settling down to (what I hope will be) a long term commitment here in Bangkok. I’m also becoming re-acclimated with the concept of living like most everyone else does — getting a job, getting an apartment, going to work, going to the gym, paying bills, hopefully one day accidentally getting shot in the head during a daring daytime robbery attempt — you know, the normal stuff.

That being said, I’ve found myself inside and on the computer much more than I have been in recent memory. Similarly, I’ve worn a suit and shoes probably more during the past 10 days than I have during the last 4 years combined. Honestly, I will always prefer sandals to closed-toe shoes, but I can’t say I don’t like the change more than just a little bit.

The whole “ex-lawyer surfer bum” thing does get old from time to time. And dressing like a grown-up again has also reminded me of just HOW MANY TIMES I’ve reinvented myself during the 5 years alone — which I sorta started writing about last month en route back to the States for 2 weeks. So I thought I’d put it up here (not that anyone’s really still reading this shit anyway).

** Yeah, the picture has absolutely nothing to do with this. I just like the idea of a polar bear taking a piss in a public bathroom.

————————-

I’ve just started reading Sean Wilsey’s autobiography, “Oh The Glory Of It All.” From what I can tell from the first 100 pages or so, it’s not the most compelling of reads, despite the columns of many corporate shills professing otherwise. However, the way I figure it, I’m going to be spending the majority of the next two (2) days in the air (which I am now, en route from Saigon to Hong Kong), so I’ll have some free time on my hands to read.

At the outset, Wilsey goes through great pains to describe his parents and their history. What I find personally remarkable about them is how, although his parents took different paths, joined up briefly, and ultimately wound up in different places, they both seemed to have lived multiple lives. Both Wilsey’s mother and father were each married four (4) times. They each seemed to have separate families dating from different times in their lives. And they were both masters of reinvention.

It’s an issue I’m dealing with right now, actually. I’m leaving Asia, and heading back to the States, for the first time in a couple years. America is the country of my birth. It’s where I was raised. And where I was schooled. And it’s where I lived my entire life, up until just a few years ago. But going back now, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Although I’m still relatively young, I feel like I’ve already lived several lives at this point — Philly, Arizona, Alaska, Oregon, San Diego, California, Florida … geek, student, fisherman, slacker, law student, attorney, surfer, rebel. I’ve changed and altered myself almost every time I’ve moved that I can barely recognize those prior person(s). My latest, and most public, persona is what now lingers.

But I feel it turning. I have been for a while now. A new persona is needed mainly because I need money, and I need full-time work again. But, as I’ve mentioned several times over the course of the past year, it’s also because my current lifestyle is losing the appeal it once held for me. And my desire for change is metastasizing more each day. If things work out the way I hope they do, I can finally see the next reinvention — more than just the amorphous ‘need’ I’ve voiced previously.

As I mentioned in my last post, one of the reasons I’ve been kept fairly busy lately is because I’ve had friends visiting me here in Bali for the past few weeks. Included in those visits was one of my best friends from Miami and his parents. And while he already has a couple brothers, I know him well enough that he feels like a brother to me. We have different perspectives on life, and he’s always been good at getting me to see things from other perspectives.

His recent visit was nothing new.

By now, it’s no secret that I have what, on my better days would be considered a ‘distaste’ for southern Bali’s ever-increasing tourist industry. On my worse days, it would be better defined as ‘utter contempt’.

The biggest issue is that Bali has absolutely no infrastructure. It’s streets, plumbing, landfills, and power plants were never built to accommodate anything more than the villages that occupied the island 25-30 years ago. This means frequent power failures, sewage in the ocean, traffic jams, and an overall decrease in the quality of life.

Personally, I call Kuta, Bali (the main surf tourist center) ‘the ghetto’. I try to avoid even going down there unless I need surf supplies simply because, although it’s only about 5-8 km away from my home, it takes about 30-40 minutes to get there. And once there, you must deal with the constant assault by tour operators, massage ‘therapists’, and shop keepers — all vying for your money, one way or another.

It is, in a word, a mess.

As the years pass, this mess has expanded ever further beyond the borders of Kuta, Bali — and it now reaches through Legion, Seminyak, Canggu, and up through Ubud into the southern hills. And since there is no such thing as ‘city planning’ or ‘civil engineering’ in Indonesia — the result is one vast, unregulated, illogical mess of random shops, alleys, roads, and hotels.

As noted previously, this has always been a source of irritation for me, for a variety of reasons.

First and foremost is because, if you look closely, you can still see the remnants of Bali’s original beauty. There are still random temples and rice patties and roaming cows in the midst of new hotels and villas and shops and parking lots. This place really must have been an absolute paradise once upon a time — as recently as 20 years ago, from what I’ve been told.

The second reason is more pragmatic — there reaches a breaking point for unmitigated and unregulated expansion. Sure, you can build dozens of 2500 person hotels and villas up and down the beach, but if the roads can only accommodate 1000 people, then what’s the point? Ultimately, it just gets too frustrating to deal with.

But here’s where my mate comes back into play — even though he’s also lived in Asia for a while (and is used to this type of third world disorder), when I took him down to Kuta, he loved it. He loved the mess, the mayhem, the chaos.

Sure, it’s a mess now, but even though the concept of ‘logic’ is a rare commodity on Bali, it will eventually prevail — whether due to developers, politicians, or the tourist industry. They will build bigger streets, and power lines that actually work, and buildings that don’t collapse every 5 years.

Indeed, just yesterday — only one (1) day after my mate left — I noticed something:

They just completed a monstrously huge mall complex right on the beach in Legion. It sticks out like a sore thumb, simply because it’s well built, has underground parking, and would fit in at any major beach town in New South Wales, Queensland, or California. I also noticed another large shopping center being built where some older shops had just been demolished in Seminyak.

My friend was right. Sure, Southern Bali is a mess — but it’s got character. There is no other place I’ve been to — in Asia or elsewhere — that is quite like it. Yes, I complain now, and I mourn the loss of Bali’s innocent recent past. But I sense that will be nothing compared to what’s coming.

I’ve no doubt that, within only several more years, Bali will turn into every other tourist beach town in the West. And while the traffic may ease, and the electricity may work, and the fresh water may flow — something will be lost in the transition.

Because of that, I thank my friend for lending me his perspective. Probably for the first time since I moved here last October, I’m glad I’m living in Bali now. Just as I’m jealous of the blokes who rave about how pristine the island was back 20 years ago, I’m sure others will be jealous of my stories of Kuta 20 years from now, when I can tell them of the chaos — back when it wasn’t just another beach town.

I know, I’ve been slacking off with the blog lately. But between looking for work, and friends visiting me here on the island, and the surgery and various doctor visits, I haven’t had either the time or the inclination to write. Nor have I really done anything worth writing about lately — so, unless you freaks are just SO bored you want to read ‘ate, slept, walked on beach, changed bandage, slept, ate’, rest assured, you haven’t missed much.

But now that I’m back on my feet (and my surfboard), I’m starting to feel a bit more like myself. Which, in turn, means that I feel like bitching — in written form — again.

First off, in response to what I heard were less than satisfactory reviews to my posts concerning my trip to Hong Kong several months ago, I will say only this to anyone who felt that way: … how to put this politely? umm … fuck you?

I’ve never made any secrets about the fact that, in addition to documenting my travels over the past few years for both my own posterity and for my friends and family to keep track of my whereabouts, this blog is also an outlet for me to bitch and moan. When I do it about celebrities and politicians, I get all kinds of fan mail. But when I do it about friends and family, I get grief. But it’s just a freaking blog, people — let’s keep things in fucking perspective.

Let me say this again another way — I don’t know Fergie. She may be a lovely person for all I know. But that will never prevent me from comparing her to Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Simply because it’s out there.

Similarly, any one of you people reading who has ever been married, has ever had siblings, or has ever had parents (… wait for it) — you can all attest that you have, at some point or another, gotten irritated at them, wanted to yell at them, or simply wished to slap the living shit out of them. Yet, just because I may get irritated with my friends and family at any certain point in time does not take away from the fact that I love them.

And if you think you know what exactly I’m talking about in my posts, you’re wrong. You’ve got no fucking clue. You may think you do. Indeed, I TRY to get my readers to think a certain way, because it makes for a better read — often times in direct contradiction to my actual thought processes. But you’ve no idea what I’m actually thinking. Especially those of you who’ve never even met me in person.

So, if you want to read this dribble, so be it — feel free to. But you’re the one who clicked onto this website. You should know just what to expect by doing so.

Last week marked the [REDACTED] year anniversary of when I [REDACTED] and left the States to instead begin my inexorable journey down the long road back to the middle. To commemorate the occasion, I purchased an 8 foot Mini-Malibu longboard to replace the one I left in The Philippines last year.

I’ve got a fairly rounded out quiver of surfboards at this stage — appropriate for most types of surf I can get out here in Indo, and indeed, around the world.

True, I still need a nice longer gun for some of the bigger, hollower Indo waves. But the way I see it, I can still barely perform adequately on the boards I’ve got. So let’s not kid ourselves — sure, my skill level has increased dramatically from when I first left my job, and I’m still best riding a longboard, but I’m never going pro on ANY length board. EV-ER.

That being said, I took the new longboard out for a spin today and realized/remembered that I essentially just started surfing last year or so. Before then, I was riding longboards almost exclusively. And while there are a whole slew of skills associated with longboarding, it is in no way, shape or form the same as riding a regular surfboard.

I honestly thought I’d enjoy going back to the longboard again, but to be honest — I found it a bit boring now that I’ve experienced the thrills of riding big hollow tubes, and actually WORKING the wave the way you can only on a shorter board.

My biggest problem in the water is still my ongoing frustration with myself more than anyone else in the water. With all my time in the water, I feel like I should be a far better surfer at this stage in the game. But like I just said — I”ve essentially only just started surfing about 1-2 years ago. I hope I can bring some of that realization with me when I go back out on one of my shorter boards and do a snap off the lip, or get another amazing barrel ride — with that huge ‘whooshing’ sound of the wave closing in behind and atop me.

It’s all good, mate. Semua bagus, dan saya senang sekali.

So, as expected, I’ve kinda settled back nicely into my Bali routine of coffee, surfing, hallucinogens, catching up on movies and TV, and doing yoga. One small hitch, tho.

Seems I didn’t scrub out a reef scratch I got out on the islands last month, and I went to the Doctor yesterday to take care of an infected abscess on my right calf. It should be good after a week of antibiotics — no worries for now, we’ll see how it unfolds.

One of the things I’ve just seen/heard since getting back here is Lilly Allen’s newest album ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’, which came out back on February 9th (I live in Indonesia, it takes time for this shit to get to us, okay?). Anyway, I heard the first release, ‘The Fear’ last nite on Jimmy Kimmel. I swear this chick can do no wrong — there’s a great mix of 80′s synth-pop, current electronica production, and awesome tongue-in-cheek lyrics (“I am a weapon of massive consumption …”). Jeez, I so wanna marry this chick.

After a month in Timur Leste (East Timur) and Nusa Tenggara, Indonesia, I’m back in Bali again. I’ll probably be here a month or so, but I’ve got friends visiting from the States, Australia, and Asia for the next couple months, so I may be traveling a bit too.

I’ll keep you guys up to speed, such as it is.

P.S. BTW, no more posts about surf spots — EVER!! And I’m making all prior posts private. I met a bunch of Euro’s who found out about my spots by reading this blog. Talk about shooting yerself in the foot, mate.

With an area of just over 5,600 square kilometers (just over 2,170 square miles), the island of Bali is fairly large — nearly 10 times as large as Manhattan. And three decades ago, the Balinese economy was largely agriculture-based.

But now, tourism is the largest single industry. And tourist season is in full swing.

So, in addition to the 3.1 million or so natives, the 1 million or so other domestic workers (from Java and other islands), there are about 2 gazillion tourists roaming the streets, clogging the roadways, and otherwise kooking up the surf. And while it’s good for the locals (they need the tourism money) and it’s nice to see the new faces (sorta), it’s also still getting just a bit much for me.

After one of my good friends broke her leg in 2 places this week when she got hit by some kook on a motorbike, and after I went surfing out at Uluwatu’s a couple days ago with about 100 (no joke) of my closest ‘friends and family’, I remembered my initial plan when first moving to Bali — I wanted to use this island ONLY as a supply point and a ‘stepping stone’ to those other spots in Indonesia I TRULY love.

So I’m going someplace a bit calmer for a while.

First, I’m heading to Dili (East Timur) for a visa run, then I’m going back to Pulau Rote — about 1200 square kilometers, with an estimated total population of 100,000.

The village where I’m going (pictured above), there’s no internet, no running water, and the electricity is turned on for about 6-8 hours per day. The tourist population is limited to other silly foreigners looking for surf and quiet. And there’s not much to do besides surfing, sleeping, and the occasional jalan-jalan to the next village.

Hold all my calls, I’m gonna be off the grid for a while.

In honor of the newly baptized ‘Swine Flu’ pandemic emanating from the great State of Mexico (the 51st, I believe), I thought the following tune from one of the most unappreciated bands from the late 1980′s — Big Pig, may be appropriate.

The song is Breakaway, and for those of you under the age of 25, the video is from the opening credits to one of THE best movies of all time — 1989′s Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (ironically, the clip is from a Spanish dubbed version of the movie).

Enjoy … and keep the hell away from me, you infected bastards.

I pulled a muscle in my shoulder/neck really bad the other day surfing and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve resorted to taking muscle relaxers and Panadol in an attempt to get the muscle to stop spasming. So, needless to say, I don’t feel much like doing anything right now, let alone writing a post.

With that being said, I’m also getting bored just surfing the web, searching for a nice NGO gig, and laying around being high on muscle relaxers. So, in times like these — we compromise. Here’s a music video of Hallelujah The Hills’ 2007 single, Wave Goodbye To Massachusetts.

The video looks like a fan-authored version and kinda sucks, but the song is awesome.

Life here in Indonesia during the dry season can get pretty redundant. As I’ve mentioned previously, while it does seem (and, for the most part, IS) the idyllic situation to be based in a tropical paradise and the surf capital of the world, the concept sometimes loses its appeal even after only several weeks of nothing more than ‘surf, yoga, sleep, read, rinse and repeat’.

I’ve not reached that point … yet. But I have reached the point where I’ve taken to driving anywhere from 1-2 hours each morning to the more preeminent surf spots on the island. Yes, because now, when the season starts up, there are very few other places in the entire world that can match the perfection of these surf spots (including “Impossibles”, pictured above and where I’ve been going out for the past few days when the latest swell hit). But also because it’s simply SOMETHING TO DO besides read or watch TV.

Yes, my plan is to hunker down in Indonesia for the summer (i.e., until October) in order to save a few bucks. And yes, I’ve had some really fantastic surf sessions in the past week or so. Yet, despite all that, if I don’t get off this island in the next couple weeks for at least a few days, there’s a distinct possibility that I’ll take up skeet shooting or veterinary school just to liven things up a bit.

Crap, I think I really need to get a job again. Sigh.

For the uninitiated, Thailand has been engulfed by political turmoil in the form of “colored shirt” protests which have been taking place, on and off, for the better part of three (3) years.

The protests took an ugly turn this week when Thai military troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the anti-government “red shirt” group. Now, in the latest news, the leader of the rival ‘yellow shirt’ faction was gunned down yesterday:

BANGKOK (AP) — The founder of Thailand’s “yellow shirt” protest movement that shut down Bangkok airports last year was shot and wounded in an assassination attempt Friday, just days after troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the rival, anti-government “red shirt” group. Sondhi Limthongkul was in stable condition after surgery that removed a bullet from his skull.

Thai authorities have just released the following photo of a suspect in the shooting.

Despite the mask, police have tentatively identified the gunman as one John “Ham” Burglar. Mr. Burglar has a long criminal history — mostly limited to petty theft of various fast food items — and is presumed to be armed and dangerous.

We will keep you apprised of the situation as events unfold.

P.S. This is the maid speaking.