From Opie & Anthony comes this just awesome gem of a video. Apparently Snookie ain’t the only one getting her ass slapped around for mouthing off.*
* For anyone upset over the purported ‘sexist’ nature of that comment or this post, consider the following points: (1) Fuck off, unless you’re in a hiring position I don’t really care much about what you think about me; (2) Western sensibilities have gotten way out of hand, lighten the fuck up you politically-correct, over-sensitive, lactose intolerant, bottled-water swigging, pill-popping pussies; and (3) if someone hits you, you should be allowed hit them back regardless of their sex or age (it’s called self-defense and/or mutual combat), especially if you’re trying to enforce the law.
VANCOUVER (AP): The US team once again proved its superiority by dominating the waterboarding exercises at the 2010 Olympic Games yesterday.
Among the US athletes participating in this year’s Olympic Games were three of the top-ranked waterboarders in the world. Adm Jack Francone, Sgt Brian Naismith and Private Kirstie Jacobs were all ranked in the top 5 by Waterboarding magazine at the start of this year, and they easily saw off the less experienced Afghan and Pakistan teams, and even bested their well-lauded Israeli counterparts.
In the event, team members are given ten minutes to simulate the drowning of a suspect volunteer. Judged like figure skating, each athlete is given marks for technical mastery of the skill and is also judged on his overall artistry.
“What really differentiates one waterboarder from another are the flourishes –- trash talk, a well placed knee on the neck, or a fist in the mouth –- that a particular athlete adds when executing his routine. It really is an art form,” explained the U.S. Team Coach, former Vice President Dick Cheney.
The Iranian team also put in a good showing and have shown remarkable improvement in the event over the past few years, progress some analysts attribute to hands-on lessons received at a “secret training facility” of which the Iranians had denied the existence until this weekend, when they publicly declared themselves a ‘nuclear state’.
The Olympics run through February 28th, concluding with rubber-hose cryptanalysis (in which a rubber hose is applied forcefully and frequently to the soles of the feet until the key to the cryptosystem is discovered, a process that can take a surprisingly short time and is quite computationally inexpensive). Las Vegas has the Iranian team as a 12:1 odds-on favorite to win, although Mr. Cheney has said that he is confident “this years U.S. team will be able to end years of Iranian dominance in this event.”
(A photo from Cosmopolitan Magazine of newly elected Republican Scott Brown, who won the Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat held by the late Democrat Edward M. Kennedy for nearly half a century)
See, its not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
-John Stewart, on the election of Republican Scott Brown and the resulting (probable) failure of the Democratically controlled White House and Congress to pass health care reform
From the 8 December edition of the Chicago Tribune comes this gloriously ironic story, talking about how Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theatres have become the new Fight Club. From the story:
in the past few years Chuck E. Cheese’s has developed a reputation as a sort of impromptu fight club, a place where fisticuffs break out almost as often as complaints about the pizza.
It apparently started after a Wall Street Journal story last December reported that a Chuck E. Cheese in Brookfield, Wis., had prompted more police calls in the previous year than any other restaurant in town. Now, The Obscure Store says that “Chuck E. Cheese brawls are so common they’re hardly ‘news.’”
Really, I got nothing. This is the kind of joke that just writes itself. The only thing I’m thinking of are the number of ways to insert the terms ‘Chuck E. Cheese’ and/or ‘Giant Rat’ into various Fight Club quotes. My top 5:
I see the strongest and the smartest rats who have ever lived… and these vermin are singing happy birthday and waiting tables.
I am the all-singing, all-dancing rat of this world…. I am the toxic waste by-product of God’s creation.
Only in death are we no longer part of Project Playtime.
The gyms you go to are crowded with mice trying to look like rats, as if being a rat means looking the way a sculptor or an art director says.
Fuck Chuck E. Cheese! Chuck E’s polishing the brass on the Titanic; it’s all going down, man.
[S]ome people feel it was sort of weird for Barack Obama to throw himself into the fight with such ardor. They may have a point. But if the president is going to take a flier on an improbable and possibly delusional quest, I would prefer that it involve lobbying the Olympic committee rather than, say, invading a country.
-Gail Collins, on President Obama’s failure to persuade the International Olympic Commitee to allow Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics
Much like Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators, who entrances and blesses us all with his presence, and prescience, only rarely — I now do the same.
The long wait is over. I’m back. And my return will be … wait for it … wait for it …
Oh, and here’s a clip from the other night’s Emmy Awards. It’s kinda okay, too.
It’s been widely reported that X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the blockbuster that was supposed to start the wave of 2009 summer movies, is really bad. This, after the unfinished movie was leaked online a month before its world premiere.
The authorized movie trailers do nothing to dispel the buzz that the film is nothing more than a celebrity-packed “B movie.”
And just last night, I saw something locally here in Asia that just adds more fuel to the fire.
Out here in Asia, we’re understandably limited in the number of English speaking television networks, with HBO, Star World and XPN being three (3) of the most ubiquitous. Both HBO and Star have sister networks, with Star Movies being the most popular of the Star networks.
This week, Star Movies is advertising that it will be showing X-Men Origins: Wolverine on PAY PER VIEW on it’s Asian release date next week, rather than going to movie theatres. Let me say that again, THE summer blockbuster has been reduced to essentially a ‘straight to DVD’ production.
Great news, as I can look forward to seeing a pirated DVD version I can buy for .50 cents (US) in the next few days!
For the uninitiated, Thailand has been engulfed by political turmoil in the form of “colored shirt” protests which have been taking place, on and off, for the better part of three (3) years.
The protests took an ugly turn this week when Thai military troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the anti-government “red shirt” group. Now, in the latest news, the leader of the rival ‘yellow shirt’ faction was gunned down yesterday:
BANGKOK (AP) — The founder of Thailand’s “yellow shirt” protest movement that shut down Bangkok airports last year was shot and wounded in an assassination attempt Friday, just days after troops cracked down on rioting protesters from the rival, anti-government “red shirt” group. Sondhi Limthongkul was in stable condition after surgery that removed a bullet from his skull.
Thai authorities have just released the following photo of a suspect in the shooting.
Despite the mask, police have tentatively identified the gunman as one John “Ham” Burglar. Mr. Burglar has a long criminal history — mostly limited to petty theft of various fast food items — and is presumed to be armed and dangerous.
We will keep you apprised of the situation as events unfold.
I can hear the snippy reply from the flight attendants, mostly middle-aged themselves, all of whom think the fun of flying disappeared some decades back — about the same time as their job security and sense of humor — and would rather be sipping mojitos in Sanibel than talking up seven-dollar “wraps.”
“You’ll have to wait, Sir. We’re doing the drinks and tiny pack of peanuts service.”
The intonation of that “Sir” will be familiar to many of you, a tone peculiar to American airline companies, one in which resentment, superiority, fear, contempt and impatience are coiled into a venomous parody of politeness — a three-letter expletive really — that stands the notion of service on its head and tells the whole dismal story of U.S. carriers in recent years.
My apologies to any waitresses … err, stewardesses … err, flight attendants who may be reading, but this type of shit (no pun intended) is why I don’t fly American-based airlines anymore. And why I hate flight attendants in general … except the ones on Air Asia — they do it old school, hiring only the hottest women regardless of their skill level.
According to this brilliant website, the next big fashion trend for the tragically hip urban male is … wait for it, wait for it …
Mantyhose (as in ‘pantyhose for men’).
Yes, you read that right — MANTYHOSE.
Apparently aware of the stigma attached with wearing women’s underwear, the stated purpose of this website is to ‘accelerate the acceptance of male pantyhose as a regular clothing item.”
As such, the site provides — among other things — an illustrated male pantyhose wearer’s survival guide for any potential ‘mantyhosers’ wishing to successfully integrate their new tights fashion accessory into their wardrobe. Among the serving suggestions is this gem:
Act and behave as usual: this way you are communicating to others that you are in fact a usual guy.
Only a very few people will notice that you are wearing pantyhose. You should communicate with your clothes and behavior that you are not there to show off yourself in pantyhose, but rather to do your regular business – shopping, walking etc. You may also wear support pantyhose at the beginning for more “legitimacy”.
A usual guy? Legitimacy?
What. The. Fuck.
For the love of Christ! You’re wearing women’s underwear and you’re worried about legitimacy?!? Good god man, it’s a new year, a new President … a new beginning — get a fucking grip!!
I’m sure that, by the time I get to it, this story will already be old news all over the interwebs … but fuck it, it’s still one of the funniest stories to come out in recent months:
An Iraqi reporter set off pandemonium Sunday by hurling two shoes at President Bush during a news conference that was the centerpiece of his secret goodbye visit.
The president successfully ducked both throws. Photos show him with his head down near the top of the podium. The embarrassing incident marred a visit meant to show off the improved conditions since the troop “surge” dramatically reduced casualties to U.S. troops.
“This is a gift from the Iraqis. This is the farewell kiss, you dog,” the journalist shouted (in Arabic), Steven Lee Myers of The New York Times reported in a pool report to the White House press corps.
Myers reported that the man threw the second shoe and added: “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq.”
When I first heard about this, I actually thought it was a fake article from the latest series on ‘Bush Mishaps’ in The Onion. But then I saw this video. Gentlemen, start your poetic justice …
Man, you couldn’t make up something this funny! Oh wait, maybe you can.
