A Bowl of Stupid

Much like Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators, who entrances and blesses us all with his presence, and prescience, only rarely — I now do the same.

The long wait is over. I’m back. And my return will be … wait for it … wait for it …

Oh, and here’s a clip from the other night’s Emmy Awards. It’s kinda okay, too.

It’s been widely reported that X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the blockbuster that was supposed to start the wave of 2009 summer movies, is really bad. This, after the unfinished movie was leaked online a month before its world premiere.

The authorized movie trailers do nothing to dispel the buzz that the film is nothing more than a celebrity-packed “B movie.”

And just last night, I saw something locally here in Asia that just adds more fuel to the fire.

Out here in Asia, we’re understandably limited in the number of English speaking television networks, with HBO, Star World and XPN being three (3) of the most ubiquitous. Both HBO and Star have sister networks, with Star Movies being the most popular of the Star networks.

This week, Star Movies is advertising that it will be showing X-Men Origins: Wolverine on PAY PER VIEW on it’s Asian release date next week, rather than going to movie theatres. Let me say that again, THE summer blockbuster has been reduced to essentially a ‘straight to DVD’ production.

Great news, as I can look forward to seeing a pirated DVD version I can buy for .50 cents (US) in the next few days!

As noted in my prior post, I admittedly haven’t felt this proud to be an American in a VERY long time (maybe when the Phillies won the Series back in 1980, but I can’t be sure).

However, that being said, it’s time to move on.

And what better way is there to move on (other than returning to the frozen wasteland from whence thy came) then by picking up some worthless Battlestar Galactica memorabilia!

Don’t get me wrong, I am most definitely NOT a Battlestar Galactica nerd fanboy. I’m just hoping to pick up a Cylon Number Six — I heard they’re selling for pennies on the dollar!!

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.
– President Elect Barack Obama

It’s over. Finally. Thank FUCKING god!

After a seemingly endless election cycle, the race for the next President of the United States has finally been decided. And regardless which of the candidates had won, there now exists a light at the end of the tunnel that has been the George W. Bush presidency. The nightmare — for Americans, Iraqis, and countless others worldwide — will soon be over.

Even better, and more overwhelming news is that the American public — whether due to huge voter turnout, shifting demographics, or the presence of sheer logic — managed to overcome whatever fear, bigotry or hatred they may have to elect the right person for the job at this particular point in history:

President-Elect Barack Obama.

Personally, I didn’t think they had it in them. I never actually thought it would happen. And I had resigned myself to be a reluctant ex-pat “American” for years to come.

Unless you’re an American living abroad during the past 8 years, you probably don’t understand the magnitude of the decision made today back in the States. Even despite the 2004 election debacle, most people worldwide (at least those I’ve met and heard about) continued to believe that Americans — while unbelievably DUMB — were, by in large, still good people that somehow fell under the thumb of an evil, dictatorial ruler, and were simply awaiting someone (or something) to lead them to better days.

Had McCain (his own qualifications, or lack thereof, notwithstanding) been elected, or even had Obama not been elected by the wide margin of victory it now appears he will win by, I’m not sure how much more other citizens of the world could have taken. I honestly feared the rest of the global community may have turned on regular American citizens, in general.

Thankfully, that is a concern I now don’t need to confront.

Instead, a majority of Americans have proved worthy of the trust freely bestowed upon them by the rest of the world. A world which now has the ability — rightly so, in my opinion — to justify their decision in that regard. And for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I’m proud to call myself an American while traveling and living abroad.

Today, I am a true American patriot.

Again, those of you who have never been in my position may judge, heckle or otherwise condemn my feelings as simply riding the “Obama Bandwagon”. However, those of you who do so don’t know how it felt to be traveling around Indonesia and having to deal with the looks of utter contempt on the faces of previously friendly locals upon hearing where I’m from. Nor did you have to constantly distance yourself from the country you love simply because it has been so utterly PERVERTED by the evil whims of one man (or one party). Or to do so simply so you won’t get ‘taken for a ride’ by the local authorities because you’re an American (one time in Costa Rica, the only way I got out of a ‘ticket’ was by saying although I was American, I still hated George Bush — they loved that).

Regardless, I feel like a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders, and from the world’s collective conciousness. I can lift my head high again — something new to me during my only recent tenure living abroad — when saying where I’m from, who is my President, and acknowledging that my fellow Countrymen (and women) voted as they did:

For change. For peace. For logic. For balance. For everything good and right that the United States of America is supposed to embody — proving that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth.

Granted, this comes with a huge amount of responsability to place on the shoulders of any one man. But President-Elect Obama asked for our trust, we gave him our trust, and now I can only sit back and hope he continues to earn our trust — and the trust of the rest of the world.

UPDATE: I just saw this article over at the Huffington Post written by William Kole — an American living abroad in Europe — echoing the sentiments voiced above, and by seemingly every other expat American I know.

I woke up yesterday nursing a hangover and wishing there was something on television to recover with besides Thai talk shows and BBC world news. It got me thinking about the shows I used to watch on Saturday mornings when I was a kid growing up in the States (I may have been hung over back then too, who knows…).

Most of the shows I watched were originally produced from the late 60′s through the late 70′s. If you were’t around back then, chances are you’re never ever EVER gonna understand why they were popular. Hell, I was there and I still can’t believe I watched this crap! You just had to be there to fully understand how BIZARRE things really got.

Jackson 5

This show was actually kinda cool to watch back in the day (back before Micheal Jackson became the freak he is now). This is probably best explained by the fact that none of the actual J5 did their own voices. As a sidenote, is it just me, or do all the J5 songs sound exactly alike?

Ultraman

Ultraman was a live action, ‘tokusatsu’ show produced in Japan in the late 60′s by the same guys who did the original Godzilla flicks. I still get ‘warm fuzzies’ seeing this silly intro for the original show.

Johnny Sokko and his Flying Robot

This was another 60′s Japanese show that obviously capitalized on Ultraman. Despite the theft, I still thought this show was the coolest thing since Pixie Stix … cuz when you’re 10, who the fuck cares about intellectual property rights?

Hong Kong Phooey

Although not a favorite, I watched this show all the time, simply because I loved the opening song and with no remote contol, I usually wound up watching the whole thing (until I saw Scatman Crothers in The Shining and got creeped out just by hearing his voice).

Land of the Lost

I haven’t seen this intro for over 20 years, and I can STILL sing the entire thing — word for word. Now THAT’S staying power. Umm … did I say that out loud? Sleeeeee-staaaack!!

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters

Now we’re getting into some of the true 60′s hallucinogenic-based live action shows that were once the staple of Saturday morning TV. This particular show is a major influence for me personally, and is probably the main reason why I: (1) started surfing; (2) have taken copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs over the past 20 years; and (3) can talk to dolphins.

The Banana Splits

Now here’s a little bit of 1970′s perfection that’s desperately needed in today’s world — a Banana Splits world tour (and a healthy dose some good hallucinogens) would make the world such a happier place.

HR Puffnstuff

Last but DEFINITELY not least is this show, produced by Sid and Marty Krofft from 1969 until 1972. Puffnstuff was the absolute epitome of 1970′s hallucinogenic-spawned children’s television series (starting to see a pattern here?).

And regardless of what the Krofft’s say, I’m one of those who firmly believes ‘H.R. Pufnstuf’ is just one giant drug reference. Who knows? Maybe it’s not … but considering how often I watched the show as a kid, it sure would explain a WHOLE hell of a lot about how I spent my time during the 25 years that followed.

To the entire Lawler clan — all my thoughts and prayers to you all. I’m truly sorry fo your loss. Here’s a dedication of sort — I apologize if this is one of the ‘goofy’ Beach Boys songs your mom liked.

The Beach Boys — Wouldn’t It Be Nice

Namaste.

   
Any Questions?

Okay, I’ll admit it — I’m a bit of a comic book junkie. Always have been, probably always will be.

For that reason alone, I’d been looking forward to the new Iron Man movie for a while now. However, with all the traveling I’ve been doing, I kinda forgot about the whole thing until I got back to Bangkok last week.

Luckily for me (and for Marvel), posters of Robert Downey Jr. in that goddamn iron suit are pasted up all around Bangkok — so it took me all of .025 seconds to remember about the film. Also luckily for me, the film was formally released in Bangkok theaters on 30 April (about 3 days ago), and unofficially released several weeks prior by the guy selling bootleg DVD’s down on Sukhumvit Road.

So I’ve had the opportunity to see the movie twice so far.

And I gotta tell ya’ … it’s not bad. In fact, it’s a pretty freakin’ good.

Admittedly, it takes neither a genius nor a sneak-peak at the script to figure out the plot, before ever stepping foot into a theater (or the Sukhumvit) — successful, morally destitute, yet fundamentally good protagonist suffers harm at hands of TRULY evil persons … realizes the error of his ways … find means to rectify past wrongs and help save the world (in this case, such ‘means’ being a post-modern bullet-proof flying suit) … hilarity ensues … blah, blah, blah.

And yes, Iron Man can be enjoyed as just another action/adventure superhero movie — with all the requisite blockbuster CGI special effects. But thanks to the strength of primary casting (Downey, Jeff Bridges, Terrance Howard), the movie also works on a more human-scale — as a drama about a reckless man who, in discovering his conscious, decides that being a playboy weapons manufacturer may not be a ‘morally sound’ way to conduct his life.

On paper, Iron Man and his alter-ego Tony Stark look rather generic, but in the hands of Downey and director, Jon Favreau (remember Swingers?), the stock superhero character is redefined as a screwball romantic that hides a deeper, contemplative side — sort of like a Nick Charles (The Thin Man) for the 21st century.

Admittedly, Downey was an unlikely choice to play a superhero, but his own dark past, infectious self-deprecating humor, intuitive sense of timing, and astounding acting skills infuse the main character with a depth not otherwise seen in films based on comic books.

In fact, the only other actor with the skills to effectively pull that off was Christian Slater in the later-day Batman movies. However, unlike those (and several other deliriously boring superhero flicks), Favreau and Downey remember the underlying issue about comic book movies — generally speaking, they’re not meant to be ponderous and steeped in existential angst.

They’re supposed to be fun!

In the case of Iron Man, the filmmakers understood the priority had to be fun, albeit tempered with some real world content and criticism; which makes for an entertaining, fun, and yet still ultimately realistic story.

The only, and weakest, link in Iron Man was the casting of Gweneth Paltrow as Downey’s assistant/love interest. I won’t argue the point — she may have been a great actress at one time, but in this role she faltered … HUGELY. In fact, every time she appeared on film, I guarantee you that the minds behind Iron Man were squirming in the seats at the ridiculousness of her shallow acting — hoping, as I did, that Downey’s skills were sufficient to carry the load.

Lucky for them they are. Truly, if ever there was a poster boy for everything that can be accomplished despite the ravages of drug addiction, Robert Downey Jr. is the guy. Go check out the movie, and check out how a modern-day superhero is SUPPOSED to look.

Hey! Look who I ran into last night here in Bangkok!!

Either that or I’m still hallucinating from all the laew Khao whiskey I drank at and/or after (it’s still not clear to me which) the MTV Party at my friends hotel here in Bangkok. Uggh, just kill me now.

The party itself was great. I went to dinner with some friends I met down in Rai Lay Beach before heading over the the hotel rooftop, where the party itself was being held. It was a great venue, Rob Garza from Thievery Corporation was in attendance, as were some other great DJ’s. All in all, a fun time … from what I remember, of course.

Sho Nuff!!

Sic transit gloria mundi. (All glory is fleeting.)
-Ancient Roman Proverb

In checking out the U.S. morning news this evening, I found this utterly unsurprising story to be at the top of the headlines. Hmm, so it appears that Lindsay Lohan has been arrested yet again for cocaine and drunk driving.

Wow. Ya’ really got to give it to those U.S. network news guys for sniffing out the issues that are most important to the global community. Bravo, kind sirs. Bravo.

In contrast, their foreign counterparts have much to learn from their American brethren. Indeed, check out these obviously less important items that are in the major headlines in the international news this evening (morning in U.S.):

• Taliban spokesman thinks S. Korean hostage crisis ‘will be solved peacefully’

• Suicide car bomber kills at least 22 in Hilla; roadside bomb kills 1; 24 bodies found

• Spain nabs suspected double agent who sold names, secrets to Russia

• Earthquake damage at nuclear plant raises questions in Japan

• Bush to defend focus on Iraq in S.C. speech Tuesday

Uhh … yah. And you wonder why I’m returning next week back to where they don’t have any electricity (or U.S. network news)? Just wake me up for the next O.J. trial.

Yeah, … like jail.

Paris Hilton Sentenced To 45 Days In Jail

LOS ANGELES – A judge sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail Friday for violating her probation, putting the brakes on the hotel heiress’ famous high life.

Hilton, who parlayed her name and relentless partying into worldwide notoriety, must go to jail on June 5 and she will not be allowed any work release, no furloughs, no use of an alternative jail and no electronic monitoring in lieu of jail.

The heiress arrived at court 10 minutes late in the back of a black Cadillac Escalade and swept into the Metropolitan Courthouse with several men in suits, ignoring screams of photographers lining the route into a rear entrance.

Hilton, 26, pleaded no contest in January to reckless driving stemming from a Sept. 7 arrest in Hollywood. She had a blood-alcohol level of .08 percent in violation of California law. She was sentenced to 36 months probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines.

Two other traffic stops and failure to enroll in a mandated alcohol education program landed the socialite back in court.

Then, on Jan. 15, Hilton was pulled over by California Highway Patrol. Officers informed her that she was driving on a suspended license and she signed a document acknowledging that she was not to drive, according to papers filed in Superior Court.

Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies stopped Hilton on Feb. 27 and charged her with violating her probation. Police said she was pulled over at about 11 p.m. after authorities saw the car speeding with its headlights off. (Via Yahoo News)

I’m guessing this isn’t quite what Hilton had in mind with its new advertising slogan. … but it’s funny as hell.

And by the way, forget what I said about how silly it is to believe in god — now I believe, brothers and sisters. Amen.

Holy crap! With this type of news, I may be gone longer than expected. Manny and TK, if you’ll continue minding the store while I’m gone?

Will Iran War Start On Friday? Last weekend saw widespread reports in the mainstream media that the United States will be ready to launch a missile attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities “from 4 a.m. until 4 p.m. on April 6.” (Via Infowars)

Death toll From South Pacific Tsunami Rises To 28. Survivors scavenged for food and drinking water in towns hammered by a tsunami on the Solomon Islands’ west coast, while officials said the death toll was 28 and would rise as they struggled to reach remote communities. (Via Yahoo News)

26 Animals Seized From Calif. Motel Room. Santa Cruz County authorities have confiscated more than two dozen animals from a couple who were hoarding them in their motel room they shared with two children. Inside the room, they found 20 domestic birds, a cat and a rabbit. There was one dead bird in a cage and three others stuffed in the freezer. (Via Red Orbit)

Jenna Jameson Memoir Film On Hold Due to Botched Vaginoplasty. “She underwent a vaginoplasty at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and she is very unhappy,” said the source, who added, in perhaps an unfortunate choice of words, “she has decided to hole up and not speak to anybody. The producers are about to pull the plug on the movie,” which would be a mainstream production. Once again, you can’t make this shit up. (Via WWTDD)

Shots Wound 3 at Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards After-Party. Shots were fired at a party attended mostly by teenagers early Sunday following the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, wounding three people. The three victims were hit below the waist and did not face life threatening injuries. No word on whether Jenna Jameson’s cootch was among the injured. (Via Huffington Post)

Courtney Love Alive And Well On The Beaches Of Hawaii. New photographic evidence surfaced today showing that Courtney Love is still alive, wearing nothing but a bikini, a bird, and a whole lot of saggy, saggy skin. Oh, and she still didn’t kill Kurt Cobain. (Via Hollywood Rag)

Santa Has Left The Housing Market. “Inflation fears will keep the Fed from cutting interest rates and house price may keep falling well into 2008. Maybe it’s time to batten down the hatches and buy Government notes and bills with any spare cash.” My thoughts exactly. (Via the American Chronicle)

Finally, here’s a “scare-jew” video clip in honor of Passover, a holiday where us Jews celebrate when we killed Jesus (I stole that joke from my friend Pablo, so direct any comments and/or death threats his way).

Oh, and if anyone has experience filling out Singaporean visa forms, your help would be greatly appreciated right about now.

Despite appearances to the contrary, I really do try to remain as non-judgmental as possible about other people – about their looks, their talent (or lack thereof), their background, their fashion choices – whatever.

Moreover, I generally loathe discussing celerities in general, as I view that as being akin to trying to stop a fire by dousing it with propane. Instead, much like one would deal with a debilitating brain tumor, I typically find the best thing to do is ignore the problem until it goes away.

However, every once in a while something from the celebrity world touches a nerve that sends me off the deep end.

In this case – it’s the beast we call the Desolate One, otherwise known in the music industry as “Fergie.” I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason, I simply cannot stand that woman.

Maybe it’s her demonstrated inability to control her bodily functions; perhaps it’s the fact that her hairline extends farther down the front of her face than Wolfman Jack’s; maybe it’s because she is consistently overrated both in terms of her musical talents and her importance in the grand scheme of things; or maybe it’s the fact that she’s a roaring drunk.

All those factors aside, however, I think the thing that is truly disturbing is the fact that Fergie has an incredible body that is really only made for one thing.

In that regard, maybe what bothers me is simply that she refuses to show off the only assets that may otherwise offset my utter contempt.

I just don’t know.

I do know, however, the woman just bothers the fuck out of me. She may be a fine human being, but she just bothers me. I know I may be repeating myself, having written on this particular subject before. And while I apologize for the redundancy, it’s a matter that’s on my mind right now.

What set me off this time was something a friend of mine wrote on his blog questioning just what does the face of evil look like. While his conclusions differ from mine in this regard, the question was still ringing in my head when I visited another favorite site of mine, which was running the latest paparazzi shots of this horror show.

I apologize for the somewhat self-indulgent rant. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go rinse my mouth out with some Liquid Drano. It’s what Leatherface would want.

(Fergie photo via I Don’t Like You In That Way – although I won’t hold it against Jenny & Todd)

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest was arrested Monday after a woman called 911 from his home saying she had been assaulted. Placer County sheriff’s deputies responded about 9:30 a.m. to Artest’s five-acre estate in the Sacramento suburb of Loomis, where they found a woman who had suffered injuries, officials said. Deputies arrested Artest on suspicion of domestic violence and using force or violence to prevent the woman from reporting a crime, sheriff’s spokeswoman Dena Erwin said.

Jesus, if there’s any NBA player who makes the idea that a milkshake and hamburger solve mysteries seem normal, it’s this guy.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled nonsense to bring you the “Trainwreck Of The Year” Award. And Ladies and gentlemen, this year the award goes to … Britney Spears.

She’s Cajun! She’s single! She’s fabulous! And tonight, she’ll be opening for “Sawyer Brown” down at The Sawmill!

Pictures of Brittney shaving her head made their way online over the weekend. Until now, I had refrained from mentioning anything about this redneck freak show for fear of compromising my journalistic integrity.

But at this point, an exception simply must be made. Upon returning from a stint at a rehab facility on the Caribbean island of Antigua last week, Britney immediately did what anyone in her situation would do — she got a tattoo, had an apparent emotional collapse, and shaved her head. Jesus H. Christ, who’s running that rehab facility, Baby Doc Duvalier?

I owe an apology to Kevin Federline for all the derogatory remarks I’ve made about him. Well no, not really. He’s still a fucking jackass. But bloody hell, who’d have ever believed that he was the stable one in the relationship? Since their divorce proceedings began, K-Fed has looked like a model citizen compared to Britney.

A cry for help? Maybe.

Surreal? You betcha.

Another lingering reminder of just why the South lost the Civil War? Abso-fucking-lutely.