Dec 16 2008
Take Your Stinking Paws Off Me, You Damned Dirty Ape!
According to their website:
Helping Hands: Monkey Helpers for the Disabled is a national nonprofit serving quadriplegic and other people with severe spinal cord injuries or mobility-impairments by providing highly trained monkeys to assist with daily activities.
I’m sorry to be a dick about this — I know it’s a really good cause and there are a whole bunch of disabled people who benefit from this program, but after my initial desire to get one of these furry little fuckers for myself, my very next thought was:
Isn’t this how “Planet of the Apes” started? (not the stupid Tim Burton version, though).
Yes, these monkeys look all cute and cuddly now. Yes, they provide substantive and broad-based assistance to quadriplegic individuals. Yes, it’s a unique concept using a trained monkey to run the country help disabled folks and all. Sure, it would finally provide the perfect cover for when I buy adult diapers. (Err … forget that last one).
But can’t you people see? — this is all part of their master plan!!
First the monkeys have us bring them into our homes. Then they start stealing our peanut butter, and the next thing you know they’re performing human brain surgery … all in the name of simian survival.
Some of you probably think I’m overreacting, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?
Hehe – hehe …maybe I am. But when the revolution comes and you’re being led around on a leash, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
LOL You are crazy!
OK Planet of the Apes — the original — happens to be one of my favorites. The series of Planet of the Apes movies are very interesting and worthy of a serious discussion — war, racism and the environment for starters.
I consider myself warned. Leash and a loincloth? Not a good look. Never thought Cheetah was cute in those Tarzan movies and I’m even tossing my Monkees records. It’s a c-o-n-spiracy. I won’t cancel the field trip to MetroZoo but we’ll defintely bypass the monkey section.
Thanks for offering a founder’s credit, but I’d be remiss if I were to take the spotlight for your sensitive and thoughtful write-up. It’s all you, Kish.
No, really… it’s A-L-L you Monkeyboy.