Mar 14 2008
Honey, I Love You, But Sooner or Later, You’re Going To Have To Realize That You’re a Goddamn Moron
The latest edition (March 2008) of Atlantic Monthly contains an altogether disconcerting article entitled “Marry Him!”, which can essentially be boiled down to the following excerpt:
At their core, many single women pose one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas they are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle?
My advice is this: Settle!
That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.
No, I don’t think the author, Lori Gottlieb, is trying to be ‘ironical.’ And no, I don’t want to think too hard on the fact that much of her theory is based not on empirical data, but rather, an analysis of several American television shows — Friends, the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Will and Grace, and, of course, Sex And The City (‘SaTC’).
For purposes of this article, let’s just assume the premise that no in-depth discussion of the modern female condition would be complete without a critical analysis of SaTC. I wonder if the author is gonna have a conniption fit when she finds out that Carrie Bradshaw is getting married to “Mr. Perfect’ (i.e., ‘Mr. Big’) in the upcoming SaTC movie. (No, I haven’t seen the script or the trailer, but c’mon — it’s a movie about an unmarried 40-something 30-something horse woman geared towards attracting an audience of similarly situated women whom ALL look forward to their wedding day the same way most men look forward to a nice T-Bone steak — let’s just call it an educated guess.)
That said, based on these obviously well-reasoned theorems, the author claims that:
[Most women], like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.
Good grief, I thought I was a disillusioned cynic, but this broad far surpasses me in that department. Truly, I don’t want to even think about the size and quantity of skeletons in this woman’s closet that would make her sink to this level of premeditated desperation. Really, I don’t.
I am, however, admittedly curious as to the general reaction by the female ranks to this article — one better suited to Marie Claire or Cosmopolitan magazines than to a purportedly respected journal such as the Atlantic.
Have things gotten so bad that the USA has devolved into nation full of desperate women willing to dismiss major character failings (oh, and lest we forget … halitosis) in favor of simply having a full-time companion about whom they can kvetch to their girlfriends? Because if the majority of American women feel, as the author of this article does, that it’s about time they too settled for something a little (or a lot) less than perfect … well, then I guess I should catch the next flight back to the States!
Is this really what ‘true love’ has been reduced to in the minds of contemporary success-oriented adult women:
So if you rarely see your husband — but he’s a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own — how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?
Aww honey, shush … you had me at ‘mundane.’
21 Responses to “Honey, I Love You, But Sooner or Later, You’re Going To Have To Realize That You’re a Goddamn Moron”
Wait, are you trying to say you are volunteering to write the Pajiba review for SatC in the interest of “research”?
kish, you are too funny. i am too stupid…it’s taken me this long to figure out how to reply to you…ahhhhhh, not the brightest penny in the pile. do you have any other contact method…i was dying to send you a “get well” card during your “india experience…”, i felt terrible for you because i know how horrible that fever can be…however, i did chuckle a bit at all the india drama going on while you were there…i told you – it’s the latin america of asia.
keep writing. you are definitely good for a laugh…here and there. big hug. xH
“[Most women], like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all”
what a bunch of shit. that woman sure as hell doesn’t speak for me.
I’m a woman (currently married, second marriage) of a certain age who, at this point in my life, thinks marriage to one person for the rest of one’s life is totally unnatural if not totally dysfunctional.
separate bedrooms? I like separate countries myself. next time I go to india it’s going to be longer than one month…;)
“it supports my argument to do it young, when settling involves constructing a family environment with a perfectly acceptable man who may not trip your romantic trigger—as opposed to doing it older, when settling involves selling your very soul in exchange for damaged goods”
this article hurts my eyes!
I guess I’ll die alone in Abanay b/c ain’t no way I’m settling!! oh hell no….
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I just turned 30 last fall, so I’m at the age where I’m supposed to be itching to get hitched, even bordering on frantic about it. In reality, I couldn’t care less. I was engaged once, years ago, when I was young and stupid and thought infatuation equated with happiness. Since then, I’ve been proposed to twice and turned them both down. I honestly don’t understand why some people think that if they can’t be content with themselves and their lives on their own terms, that another person will magically fix what’s wrong with them and make them happy. Or maybe I’m the weird one?
I’m married, but if anything were to happen to cause me not to be married, I doubt I’d do it again. It’s not that I hate being married, not at all.
It would just be a been there-done that kind of thing and I wouldn’t feel the need to do it again. Hell, it would probably be more than a year before I’d even date.
I can stand on my own two feet, thanks. Women should certainly not settle.
Um…. I won’t even settle when it comes to casual relationships, never mind someone who I expect to spend the rest of my life and raise children with. Maybe this is because I’m just some idealistic young 21 year old, but I know when I can do better and will always strive for that. I mean, I’m not going to reject a guy that I love, who also loves me, on the basis of “leaves toilet seat up” or “congenitally unable to hang up towels” but I’m also not going to look over at someone who I don’t completely dislike and go “eh, he’ll do”.
There is a middle ground between being too picky and being desperate. Look into it, Ms.Gottlieb.
That article is sad. Marriage is supposed to be a life-long commitment and the most important relationship one can develop with another person. If you settle for some guy who’s just alright or OK, your deepest relationships are going to be with people outside your marriage (ie, three bestest friends you meet for lunch or brunch or whatever). Now, if the author means not to throw out the baby with the bathwater when you’re first dating a guy – fine; I’ll withstand a bad dresser (maybe even halitosis) for a guy I can be myself around. But, if you’re building a marriage on timing rather than, you know, some semblance of love, I don’t think it’s really a marriage – it’s just a permanent roommate plus sex. I’ve never been close to getting married. My parents, however, have been (mostly) happily married for 28 years, married because they were head over heels for each other, remain best friends, and still engage in PDA. That’s what I think marriage is, and, unless I find that, I’ll happily stay single.
It’s actually sort of funny that this article came out right now. I’m at a point in my relationship where I know he isn’t “Mr. Right” and I was thinking about weather or not I should just settle. This really put it into perspective. Apparently I should settle. But I personally think this is abunch of bull shit and I find it sad that modern women think this way.
I agree with Lynn about the “permanent roomate plus sex”, that’s basically what the author is boiling marriage down to. Oh, you don’t love him, wait…you don’t even like him? Well…does he own his own car and know how to cook? Honey, snag him!
This woman needs to take a Womens Study class, because apparently every woman needs a man to make it. Or at least to make it “easy”. Didn’t we have this big feminist movement awhile ago?
So you know what I’m doing when I get home tonight? Nothing, because I don’t have anywhere to move yet. But you get the idea.
Take it from the 50 year old young lady who still dates men Matt’s age, why muck it up when things are going so well. Love your blog, you Are an excellent writer. We don’t all want to be hog tied and …….. MAtt, keep on traveling. Visit some more continents, you have much more to discover. Don’t go back to the US until you do so. I’m thinking you will find some place better. Just don’t tell everyone else so everyone else ends up there.
WRITE ON
ME
Hey, I actually stumbled upon your post when I typed “Aluminum Falcon” into aol search. Lol. and I started reading and I was like, hey I thoroughly enjoy what this guy has to say. I then noticed that many people commented on this post. If you don’t mind, I’d like to contribute my two cents. I’m an 18 yr old female so possibly I am your youngest viewer? Who knows.
Anyhow, I agree with you. The woman who wrote that article is full of falsities. I mean, in truth, I am not a relationship person myself. I have had exactly one boyfriend and I’m not really interested in settling (and I’m not even talking marriage!). BTW, the whole one boyfriend thing has nothing to do with physical appearance or anything short of that-I actually tend to meet more guys than most of my close girlfriends…and they’ve had their share of men (or should I say ‘boys’). I just don’t like the attachment. (Perhaps it IS a commitment issue)
But before I digress, let me just say that I am young and still discovering myself. I am smart and independent, and totally capable of forming my own ideas on relationships and whether or not some shmuck that has horrible characteristics deserves me or not. I doubt that even in 10 years or so I will be at the point where I am desperate to settle for the next thing out of the shoebox. The end
I love your writing, btw, and hopefully I’ll keep up with your posts.
Our local alt newspaper had a short reaction to this and it was pretty much the same thing (WTF? How can a modern woman write this? etc.). I went online and read the full-length article and for those who haven’t… whew! That is one long release of desperation! It just kept going on and on!
I haven’t reached the age where any of this stuff is even remotely entering my mind, but I immediately thought of my single-by-choice mother of 2 aunt. Good lord would she call bullshit on this lady. ‘Need a man to make you happy’. God. Infuriating.
I guess the modern thing now is to completely discount romance. I see it in my peers, but they’re all hipster douches that I assumed would grow out of it when they realized how beautiful the world is. It’s so sad to see that in someone her age. Maybe that’s the new feminist revolution. ‘Down with romance! It’s completely unrealistic because it didn’t work for a few bitter women!’
Okay. Rant = over. I just needed to get that out of my system. Good analysis!
Philly Girl, love what you wrote. Yup, so much more to discover indeed…..
Matt, your writing has been inspiring me and making me laugh since I got back to the states. got alot of my friends reading your blog too…..
hope you’re enjoying Thailand (are you still there? or did you sneak off to Indo?)
I have been SO crazy busy (good busy)…. only 8 more weeks and i am on that plane, time is flying….
talk soon, Cyn
Curious, we’ve got all the same friends, I was wondering when you was gonna stop by. Oh, and as for the SatC review – uh, no. HELL no (plus, like I said, TK already asked Dustin if HE could do it).
Henri? Henri? Hmm, I seem to remember knowing a Henri from somewhere … nahhh.
Lin, coming from someone who enjoys a good parasite infused Thali as much as I do, I would never have assumed that article would hold any sway over you.
Cyn, yes, I’m still here in Bangkok – I leave in 2 days for Singapore en route to Seminyak (Bali), where I’ll stay for a couple days to get some repair work done on my boards, and then I’m probably heading to Sumatra for a month or so before coming back here en route to Siargao. I was also thinking a trip to Micronesia this summer is required — see Palau and Yap, both with direct flights from Manila (Oh, and TELL me that Yap doesn’t have the coolest fucking flag in the world).
Sarah, yeah, you ARE the weird one … but in a good way. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
ME, nice to hear from you. Thanks for checking in and for the comment. Hope you’re doing well, and stay out of trouble kid.
Summer, yeah, you’re right — you’re still young. Give it a couple more years and you too can become as jaded and disillusioned as the rest of us miserable bastards. Trust me, it’s fun!!
Dr. Awkward (well, at least it ain’t Dr. Akula), thanks for using me to vent your frustrations. That’s what I’m here for.
Ana, Rusty, Lynn, Kay — I’ve nothing of substance to add to your commentary, so I’ll just say thanks for the visit and the insight, and then shut up… for a change.
Palau/Yap, absolutely, sounds amazing. we need to discuss possible dates, as it seems a dozen of my friends suddenly want to visit Siargao! trying to coordinate everybody…..
btw, Tata is working on a coffee project–you will love this (actually, you gave me the idea…give it time, we’re gonna have some kickass coffee, the real stuff) (see what I gotta do to please you? haha)
feels like 60 degrees here in nyc. spring finally….
are you reachable by cell?
Cyn
I’m going to be the voice of opposition, Bowl.
I think it’s said poorly in the article–The Atlantic Monthly should have higher standards–but I agree with the underlying idea:
That less passion and more compatibility can make a sound basis for marriage.
If you want to talk about lies sold to successful, intelligent women, you can start with Prince Charming and the One True Love. Your ‘soulmate’ is going to have morning breath and leave dirty socks under the bed too. And if the only thing you’ve got going on with your ‘soulmate’ is an emotionally intense infatuation and the idea that’s love, it’s not going to make for a very good long-term relationship. A lot of anger and resentment usually follow shattered delusions.
You know what love is? Do any of us? For me, love is accepting–faults and all. In order for that to happen, you have to see the faults. Love’s not blind, it just doesn’t care. (Very much, anyway. And I’m not talking about ‘faults’ like being a cocaine-addicted child abuser–love doesn’t mean being a goddamn idiot. I’m talking about faults like saying “Bravo!” in the movie theater and having bad breath sometimes.)
Lori Gottlieb isn’t going backward, into the dark ages of arranged marriages and bartering women like mules. There’s more marketing behind modern notions of romance than there is research, anyway.
Lori Gottlieb is saying: It’s okay to settle down and marry the nice guy, even if maybe he doesn’t set your loins afire.
Which really is something that women need to be told.
Those once-in-a-lifetime romances, the Marc Antony and Cleopatras, the Edward VIII and Wallis Simpsons, the Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburns… Well, every romance is once-in-a-lifetime if the storyteller is good enough.
And I can’t help thinking there’s some ego behind the outrage. Nobody wants to feel like they might be second choice. And maybe that’s how Lori Gottlieb comes across. But I don’t think that’s what she means.
And I can’t help thinking there’s some ego behind the outrage.
Ohh, some interesting points especially the above one. And most of them posed more succinctly than Gottlieb, as well.
I agree that women (moreso than men) have been fed a live of bullshit ever since their first “Marriage Malibu Barbie” — and even before. That’s why I made the point that women look to their wedding day the same way men look towards a good rib-eye. Just look at the bullshit Valentines Day has devolved into (a cause for more than one of my breakups — I personally can’t handle all that drama).
That being said, with all due respect, I disagree entirely.
No, I don’t necessary agree with several of the above comments (which I probably don’t have the right to dispute since I ain’t a girl). But I think there’s some validity to your ‘ego’ argument as it relates to some of them.
But then, as a counter-counter-counter point, there is STILL no excuse for settling — for ANYTHING. Whether it be a mediocre job, spouse, or otherwise.
True, the mass of people may live lives of quiet desperation, but just cuz everyone else is doin’ it don’t make it right. Life is far, far, FAR too short to disrespect yourself — and others around you — in that way.
“there is STILL no excuse for settling — for ANYTHING. Whether it be a mediocre job, spouse, or otherwise.
True, the mass of people may live lives of quiet desperation, but just cuz everyone else is doin’ it don’t make it right. Life is far, far, FAR too short to disrespect yourself…”
hallelujah! you’re preaching to the choir!
the only thing I’m settlin’ for is a man like my favorite chocolate –
DARK AND RICH!
I don’t think that alphanumeric was really saying one should settle. I think he/she was just saying that a lot of women have too much expectations in a mate, and they should be more realistic.
There is a huge difference between unrealistic expectations and “settling”. Accepting someone despite their flaws is very different from being with someone despite the fact that you haven’t accepted their flaws yet and are unable/unwilling to.
However, I got the sense from reading Lori’s article that she wouldn’t be happy even if she found someone to settle for. I also found out that she had previously written a book about having an eating disorder. So I guess you were right about the skeletons in her closet.
I usually don’t commonly post on many Blogs, however I just has to say thank you… keep up the amazing work. Ok regrettably its time to get to school.
I am very happy I found your blog on digg. Thanks for the sensible critique. Me and my roommate were just preparing to do some research about this. I am happy to see such good information being shared for free out there.
Regards,
Finlay from Modesto city