Several years ago, Alec Baldwin played a character in a Saturday Night Live skit where he was surprised to learn that his voice sounded gay to other people. Every time he recorded a voice message in a normal voice, the recorded playback piped back an incredibly feminine voice, with disco paying in the background. Although it was a pretty funny skit, I never really gave it any further thought.

But today, I went to a bookstore here in Bangkok to get something to read for my upcoming trip to Bali and Australia. While there, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful Thai woman there. We wound up having a great time, we exchanged phone numbers, and we spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together. I had a great time.

But once again, I’m leaving Bangkok first thing tomorrow morning. Deja-fuckin’-vu, right?

I swear to all that is holy, if I meet yet another attractive girl RIGHT before either she or I move to another country, I’m gonna beat every last one of you fuckers about the head and neck with a dead flounder.

But even more disconcerting than the fact that I’ve no realistic chance of pursuing a relationship with this chick (yet again), is what she let slip later in the day. Apparently, the main reason why she felt comfortable enough to talk to me in the first place — she thought I was gay.

Me? Gay?

What? The? Fuck?

I don’t see it. I really don’t. But then again, that Kiwi girl I met in Vietnam last month told me something similar. Specifically, she said that I may have been here in Asia too long, because I apparently no longer have some of the more ‘masculine’ mannerisms used by Western blokes.

At first, I chalked that up to the fact she hasn’t spent much time here in Asia (and to my propensity for using obscure words most guys don’t otherwise use in everyday conversation). But now a Thai girl is also telling me the same thing.

Umm … yah, perhaps I may have been here too long.

It’s ironic, one of the things I sought to accomplish by coming to Asia (as well as exploring Buddhism and furthering my yoga practice) was to reduce my Western aggressive tendencies, and to stop acting like such a loud American prick, in general. And I also chose to move around so much because I no longer wanted to deal with all the drama bullshit that comes with having a long-term girlfriend.

So now … I tend not to get mad anymore when people bump into me on the street, or step on my toes on the train, or just act like pricks in general. And now my posture and mannerisms have indeed changed due to my extensive yoga practice. And I’ve also learned (except for the past month, of course) generally not to pursue women I’m attracted to because I know I won’t be sticking around in one location for too long.

Wait a sec — no aggressive tendencies? good posture? no more stupid pick up lines? — holy hell, I DO sound kinda gay!!

Fuck that shit!! No more yoga — I’m going back to the boxing gym. Time to start hitting people again. Hard!

And I tell ya’, this whole Buddhism ‘be nice to people’ shit is for faggots!

And to hell with the fact that I may never have a long term relationship out here — I’m gonna start chattin’ up the birds as much as I can, wherever I can, whenever I can. To hell with all that ‘deep feelings’ bullshit! … Let’s just be honest. You want it. I wanna give it to you. So let’s fuck!

Hey, I think it’s working!! I can feel the gayness draining out of me already!!

Yet another amazing new one from the vaults of the ‘KEXP Song of the Day’ — Go On Say It, from Blind Pilot’s 2008 debut album 3 Rounds and a Sound:

A few months back, I somehow stumbled onto a Podcast from an independent radio station out of Seattle, Washington (USA) — KEXP (which, somewhere in the deep recesses of my tainted memory, I seemed to recall from when I was living in the Seattle area).

The Podcast is brilliant.

They release a new song every day — from a wide variety of artists and genres. Which, for someone in my position (a traveling music junkie who has neither regular access to the mainstream OR the indie music scene), has become an almost essential part of my online life.

Indeed, the last several videos I’ve posted here I learned about on the KEXP Podcast (i.e., Darker My Love, The Acorn, Aesop Rock). For anyone interested in keeping up on all types of great new music being released today, I highly suggest you subscribe to the podcast.

Here’s the song from a couple days ago, from Seattle band See Me River:

Ed Jackson

• Dow and S&P 500 at ‘97 lows — The Dow and S&P 500 tumbled to levels not seen in nearly 12 years Monday, as investors continue to worry that the government’s efforts to slow the recession won’t be sufficient. (CNNMoney.com)
• Asian Stocks Drop to Five-Year Low; Nomura Slumps on Share Sale — Asian stocks fell, dragging the regional benchmark to the lowest in more than five years, as the global recession hurts company earnings and forces share sales to bolster balance sheets. (Bloomberg)
• North Korea ‘plans rocket launch’ — North Korea has announced it is preparing to launch a rocket purportedly carrying a ‘communications satellite’, but without giving an indication of a date. (BBC World)
• FBI recovers 48 juveniles in prostitution raid — Law enforcement officials arrested more than 500 people, and took custody of 48 juveniles in a coordinated 29-city weekend sweep aimed at combating child prostitution, the FBI announced Monday. (CNN)
• Australian Firefighters Battles to Contain Blazes — Australian firefighters are battling to contain blazes in the southeast before temperatures rise and winds strengthen, two weeks after the nation’s worst-ever bushfires. (Bloomberg)
• Oscars 2009: the biggest victory ever for British films On Sunday night in Los Angeles, Slumdog Millionaire lifted eight out of a possible nine Oscars [it was nominated for ten - twice for Original Song]. (Times Online)*

*C’mon people, the movie wasn’t that good, for Christ’s sake! Danny Boyle? Roland Joffe? Satyajit Ray? They all made the same movie! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Ever since I was in university, I’ve had glorious plans on visiting, or even moving to, the ‘Commonwealth of Australia.’

Indeed, one of my friends in Uni (actually a girlfriend of a friend) went to high school in ‘Oz’ and her stories about the place always evoked the grandest (albeit absurdly typical) visions in my head — the vast outback, long white beaches, and the great barrier reef.

It was always one of my primary goals to visit Oz when I first left the States for Asia. Hell, up until just a few weeks ago, that intent was still stated in the sidebar of this blog.

But somehow I just never got around to it — after reaching Asia I could never quite leave, and there are so many great Ozzies I’m friends with who either live or keep returning to Indonesia and Thailand that I never really needed to visit them on their home turf.

But finally.

Finally. Tonight I booked a ticket to Oz — I leave from Bali on the 6th of March, 2009.

My plan is to meet up with friends in Byron Bay, then down to Sydney, then back up to the Gold Coast, and then hopefully to visit a friend down in Melbourne.

I honestly don’t know if that schedule will hold up, nor do I really care at this point.

I understand it’s pretty expensive down there in comparison to Asia. And that the summer season is actually winding down a bit. And that, in many ways, it is very similar to the States.

But I really don’t care about those things right now.

I am truly excited again. Excited to be visiting friends. Excited to be going to some outstanding world-class surf spots. And overall, just excited to fulfill a dream that has been pending … left on hold … for so long now.

I’m finally going to Australia. Hell yeah!

I posted a picture taken by some friends from our dive in Sipidan, Borneo the other day, in which we we swimming along with a shoal of barracuda numbering in what seemed like the thousands.

Over the next couple days, I’ll be uploaded several of the videos taken by our friends from that (and other) amazing dives during our trip — including video clips featuring reef sharks, giant sea turtles, and a huge mackerel ’swarm.’

The entire experience was a bit surreal, and I’m still in awe. Perspective, my friends … perspective.

Here’s the first one — a brief clip of the biggest barracuda shoal I’ve ever seen, let alone swam through:

Here’s the second one — a clip of just two (2) of the dozens of white-tip reef sharks that were also swimming about while we were out there:

Additional clips will follow.

I am now here.

It is an old oil rig off the coast of Malaysian Borneo that has been converted into a full-on SCUBA diving operation. It is, quite literally, in the middle of the ocean. And it is absolutely amazing.

We will be here for a few days. Yesterday, we had 3 dives (you can dive as many times as you like under the rig itself). Today, we are diving in what is considered by many — including my good friend, Dee — to be THE best diving site in the world — Sipidan Island.

It is a national preserve, which requires permits before any visit. So the conditions should be pristine. And I’m excited.

In honor of being where I am, I’m (possibly re-)playing this video, from where the title of this post was garnered.

Beth Orton — Central Reservation

Today is whatever I want it to be.

First off, while I really do appreciate all the emails I’ve received over the past couple weeks concerning my (apparently far too well documented) love-life, I will say that commenting on the site itself is far more helpful at times — in terms of site-traffic and my own reading (given my constant traveling on and off the grid).

Anyhoo … right now, I’m still in Borneo. Malaysian Borneo, to be precise.

After leaving Brunei, I flew into Kota Kinabalu, the largest of the Borneo airports, where I stayed/slept overnight before taking a connecting flight to Sandakan, which is known for its proximity to one (1) of four (4) of the only natural orangutan preserves in the world.

After meeting up with my friends in Sandakan, we made the hour trip to the jungle preserve, where we stayed for two (2) days seeing all kinds of neat shit — orangutan’s, macaque monkeys (mean little fuckers, they are), monitor lizards, hornbills, and the ever elusive Honky-Tonky, Winky-Wonky Monkey.

From there, we went off the grid for a couple days, heading to the Kinabatangan River in southwest Malaysia — which, measuring 560km, is the longest river in Sabah — where we took stayed overnight for a river tour through the forest.

It was really nice. We saw wild elephants, proboscis monkeys (the ones with huge noses), pig-tailed macaques again, and a whole bunch of other great shit. I usually don’t go in for the whole ’set-up safari’ kinda thing (preferring to instead just hire a boat and do it myself), but I was with friends and it was a fun time.

We left yesterday morning, traveling all day via 3 separate buses, and arrived here — in Semporna, Malaysia — yesterday evening. There’s finally phone and internet service again, so it’ll be nice to catch up and take care of some business that I’ve been neglecting over the past couple weeks.

I’ve yet to get a bead on this place. It’s a port town, and it lies on the border of three (3) countries — Malaysia, Indonesia, and the Philippines — so it’s got that dodgy ‘port-town’ feel. It is best known for its amazing diving (according to some, among one of the best in the world) … and for its international piracy (due to its location, its an almost ideal smuggling and/or escape route from/between Malaysia, Indo, and the Philippines). So there’s a HUGE military presence here.

Yet despite this, and the ubiquitous tourist vibe due to the whole diving scene, the place also has a great vibe. Unlike Indo, where it’s almost expected and/or frowned upon to hav a cursory knowledge of Indonesian, when they hear my limited Malaysian (the same language, but for slang — sorta like the US and the UK) here, the faces light up, they laugh, and they try to help me with the next sentence. It’s still unique, I think, for them to see foreigners who speak even a little Malay in this part of the country.

Ironically, I’ve avoided this part of the area since there’s no surf here, and it turns out to be one of the nicest places I’ve visited in Southeast Asia so far.

In two (2) days, we’re going diving — taking a boat out to an old converted oil-rig, on which we’ll be staying for four (4) days diving our brains out (9 dives in 3 days, I think). I’m not sure if they have internet on the diving rig, so after tomorrow, I may be off the grid again.

We’ll see how it unfolds.

“Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems, but every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.”
–Jack King, Confessions of a Winning Poker Player

There are no nice ways out. Not really.

Even now, almost 8 years later, I can remember with clarity one particular moment of realization.

I had been with my then-girlfriend for several years and our relationship was in the final throes of a long, slow death rattle. And we were going shopping, or to the movies, or off to do some such random shit. And as we were walking down the stairs from her apartment to my car, I realized that, although we were still technically a ‘couple’ … I was alone.

There was just nothing there anymore. Whatever had been was gone. And I was on my own again, for better or worse.

I’ve had similar epiphanies over the years — with respect to both friends and intimates — and for some reason those times seem to be the ones I tend to recall with the most clarity.

Based on (among other things) many of your recommendations, I decided earlier this week to follow up on the spark I found on the beach in Vietnam last month.

So I’ve been in Brunei for the past several days visiting my princess before she goes home. And for a variety of issues — many of them mine own — those days unfortunately contained far too many uncomfortable moments than I care to recall.

It sucks not being able to make things work out the way you want them to.

So this morning, as I was walking back to my hotel after having just made travel arrangements to leave Brunei for my next port of call, I had a distinct sense of deja vu.

Despite still being in the company of that beautiful princess I fell in love with back in Vietnam, I was once again on my own.

Once I made that realization, I was (and am) actually okay with it. It just is how it is.

But fuck man, it’s been so long since I put my heart into someone or something to the extent I have these past weeks — even when I went to Boston for KB a couple years ago. I didn’t realize until it was already done just how much I had pinned onto this one person all my hopes for stability — which I guess have been building over the past several years now.

It just gets so tiring sometimes, tho. It’s tiring carrying the entire load of everything alone all the time under my particular circumstances — constantly moving, the cadre of ever-revolving friends, not having a home … everything.

I really thought I didn’t need anyone’s help.

Apparently I was wrong. And I didn’t even realize just how wrong until my unconscious pressed the issue — one which would not have otherwise existed in normal circumstances. I just wanted someone to help me take care of things a little bit, y’know?

It was unfair and inappropriate to look for that — especially from someone on holiday. But sometimes you can’t see these things from the inside looking out. And while I still don’t think I’ll be able to look at pictures from Cambodia or Vietnam for a while without a little bit of my heart breaking, I can tell that I’m alone again.

And the worst part is that, if the past is any indication, despite the amazing time I had then and there, I will most likely recall most vividly only today’s walk back to my hotel.

I went back to my apartment in Bali last week. However, for a variety of factors, this time it felt less like ‘home’ to me than ever. So I decided to leave again.

I’m heading to Borneo right now, with designs on climbing Mount Kinabalu later this week with some long lost friends whose schedules I’m really glad coincided with mine. It should be fun, and I’m looking forward to it.

Lately, I haven’t felt quite myself. There have been a great many thoughts going through my head that haven’t been there in a while — among them, a growing desire to visit home. Indeed, it’s been about 1.5 years now since I’ve been back to the States to see my friends and family. And it may be time for a visit.

So, with a 3 year, 20 country change of perspective, here’s a replay of the video from the very first post I ever put on this site (and a ‘re-link’ to the incredible story written by my friend Chez, which inspired much of this blog). Enjoy.

Zero 7 — Home

Nothing is over until we decide it is!

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hell no!

Now then, may I have ten thousand marbles and an airplane ticket, please?