A Bowl of Stupid

Hey! Look who I ran into last night here in Bangkok!!

Either that or I’m still hallucinating from all the laew Khao whiskey I drank at and/or after (it’s still not clear to me which) the MTV Party at my friends hotel here in Bangkok. Uggh, just kill me now.

The party itself was great. I went to dinner with some friends I met down in Rai Lay Beach before heading over the the hotel rooftop, where the party itself was being held. It was a great venue, Rob Garza from Thievery Corporation was in attendance, as were some other great DJ’s. All in all, a fun time … from what I remember, of course.

Sho Nuff!!

Since I left the USB cord to my camera in Singapore, I haven’t been able to upload ANY pictures ever since I was in the Philippines in November. I’m returning to Singapore next week for a few days for a bit of ‘rest and relaxation’ (i.e., air conditioning and hot water), at which time I’ll pick up the cord and upload my pictures from the past 3 months.

However, I will also have to buy a new camera since my old one just went tits up after I dropped it about 5 meters while rock climbing. Oops. Heh-heh, never saw THAT coming.

In the meantime, above is a picture taken on my computer showing the backdrop at the beautiful Railay Bay Resort here in Krabi, where I’m currently stealing borrowing free Wi/Fi. It’s not THAT bad of a setting for late February, huh?

Happy winter everyone!!

Not much else to report other than I’m still trying to figure out where to go surfing for a couple months in March and April before heading back to the Philippines to meet up again with the royalty over there — right, princess?

I’ve been looking at the surf reports, and although it pains me to say this … Indonesia, and Bali specifically, is looking mighty, MIGHTY fine right about now. 4-6 waves with 12-15 second intervals, and 3-5 knot offshore winds. Pretty tempting, but I’ve still got the itch to head out into the Pacific for a bit — Micronesia, Tonga, or Palau, for example. Once again, pretty tempting.

Regardless, wherever I head, I’ll make sure to bring some limes, just so I don’t sink (Extra credit for picking up the reference).

For anyone still playing — or interested, for that matter — I’m happy and healthy and back on the beach in Krabi (Railai Bay), Thailand.

Honestly, after India, I feel like a giant weight has been taken off of my shoulders (and out of my guts). I’m eating again (pad tai by the gallon) to regain my strength, I’m rock climbing again to regain my balance, and I’m partying again for the first time in months with all my really good friends from Singapore and Bangkok … to regain my cirrhosis of the liver, I suppose.

I am, in a word … happy. And that’s an understatement.

I head back to Bangkok on Friday — my friend is throwing an MTV Asia party at his hotel on Friday nite, with Thievery Corporation and several other really great DJ’s on scene. After next weekend, though, I’m not sure where I head to next. All I know is that I want to get back to some really nice surfing, but I’m not quite sure where.

Any suggestions?

It’s 4:00 a.m., I’m up all night in another random airport for the second time in 3 days, and I’m jacked up on a whole boatload of Nescafe instant coffee. This is the part of traveling abroad that they never tell you about on National Geographic Explorer.

Welcome to my fucked-up little corner of the world.

I finally made it!! After weeks of abusive viral infections and neo-hippie hombres, I’m finally out of India!

And probably not a moment too soon. I swear, I thought that place was trying to kill me — dengue fever, food poisoning, the constant smoke from all the burning garbage (and people). I really do feel about 1000% better now that I’m back in Sri Lanka.

Not that THAT process itself wasn’t a bit of a ball-buster. First, I had to spend about 4-5 hours on a train from Cochin to Thiruvananthapuram (affectionately called ‘Trivandrum’), seemingly stopping at every backwater hole-in-the-wall en route. I tried to eat and drink as little as possible during that time, which made me kinda weak, too. That may seem a bit much, but my stomach was still ‘bothering me’ [ahem], and if you see the hole in the bottom of the train they euphemistically call a ‘toilet’, you’ll understand my aversion.

I couldn’t sleep in a hotel in town, because thanks to the local Kerala Communist leadership, the next day — the actual day of my flight — the locals were staging a ‘fuel strike’ protesting the fuel cost hike, so no taxis, tuk-tuks, or anything motorized would be able to take me to the airport. When I asked someone about catching a random taxi working outside the strike, I was told I didn’t want to do that just in case it got stopped by an angry mob. Nice.

So instead, I went to the airport the early morning beforehand and I was able to get a nice 1-2 hour nap in the front lobby of the Trivandrum airport. Then, when it was finally time to check it, I had to wait another 8 hours in the airport while my flight was delayed. Shit, at that point, I honestly felt like the country was trying to keep me there – just to finish off the job.

The good news is that we eventually made it onto the 45 minute flight to Colombo, Sri Lanka. The bad news is that we arrived at 1:30 a.m. I somehow finagled my way into getting a free ride from the airport to Colombo (about 1 hour away), at which time I slept on the front steps of the Colombo train station for another couple hours until the station opened at 5:30 a.m.

Yes, I know this is the same train station that was bombed by Tamil Tiger separatists — killing dozens — just weeks ago. Yes, I know it probably wasn’t the smartest of ideas sleeping on the front steps of a public train station in downtown Colombo. But fuck it, I made it out of India alive — at that point, I felt absolutely invincible. Exhausted, but invincible.

I caught the 6:30 a.m. train down to Mirissa, where I am again — at Dinu’s Resort. I’m still a bit too ‘blech’ to eat anything, but it’s nice to be back in a place where the only things actively trying to kill you are the terrorists.

I got a couple surfs in yesterday before crashing for about 13 hours. I hope to have at least one more before I have to begin the 5 hour trek back up to the Colombo/Negombo airport for my 5:00 a.m. flight to Bangkok tomorrow morning.

I’m already really happy to be back in Sri Lanka. But I REALLY can’t wait to get back to Thailand. Sawadee kap, bitches!

Thanks everyone for your well-wishes. I’m feeling much better. Ironically, the rashes associated with dengue Fever showed up more heavily AFTER the fever itself receded away. No worries though, it’s a small price to pay for regaining the ability to move without feeling immense bone-crushing pain.

Anyway, once again being able to move my arms and legs again with no pain (athough still pretty weak … well, weaker than usual), I took this opportunity to go over and visit Fort Cochin for the last 4 days I’m in India.

I actually really like it. It’s still India … which means there’s still crowding, and swarms of foriegn tourists, and piles of garbage, and packs of feral dogs, ridiculously greedy people, and burning trash everywhere. But at least fort Cochin has a really unique history to it. There’s a unique blend of Dutch, Portugese, British, and Indian culture and history here. It kinda reminds me of southern Malaysia — only with more trash.

Regardless, it’s a really unique place. And I mean, really, any place that has a neighborhood named “Jew Town” — sporting a 500 year old synogogue — can’t be ALL bad, right?

Meanwhile, when I finally ge a moment to check my email, I find this fucked-up gem of a story from tommorows NY Times. Apparently, my buddy Chez (upon who’s fantastic blog I initially based this bullshit upon), was fired from his gig at CNN for … writing a blog.

WTF?

As I’ve told Chez many, many, MANY times. Blogs and jobs don’t go together. Just look at me, I have a blog and you don’t see ME working, do ya’? Err … bad example.

Moing on … sorry ’bout the gig, my friend. fuck ‘em, they’re a bunch of heartless jackels. But we already knew that, didn’t we? Just ask the guys from WTVJ.

It’s now official — after Darfur and Iraq, India is my LEAST favorite tourist destination.

I’ve been laid up for the better part of 5 days now with what a local pharmacist says is probably Dengue Fever.

Admittedly, he may be wrong and I could have merely caught a really bad flu virus, since the only way to diagnose Dengue is via blood tests. But there’s no way in HELL I’m letting anyone in this country stick me with a needle — doing it in Sri Lanka was bad enough. So, for bitching purposes alone, I’m just gonna assume I’ve got the Dengue.

He may be right — there’s been an increasing number of cases in India over the past year, and I’ve been dealing with the symptoms described as being associated with the virus.

I’ve had a high fever on and off for the past 5 days — relieved only by copious doses of Ibuprofen (taking aspirin apparently makes it worse). I had a slight rash across my shoulders. My digestive system is in a worse state than Brittaney Spears’ career. My eyes feel like they’re gonna burn right thru my skull. And EVERY SINGLE BONE in my body aches. Intensely.

Yeah, there’s a reason they also call this thing the break-bone fever or bonecrusher disease.

So I’ve been stuck in my room for the past several days doing anything I can do NOT to go crazy with boredom — reading books by the kilo, surfing the internet (when available), watching DVD’s, and trying to get the most entertainment value as possible from my fever dreams.

The fever broke early this morning (but unfortunately has just resurfaced this evening — yea!), and I’m starting to get feeling back in my eye sockets. But I still can’t eat anything, and I still feel like I just went 10 rounds with Bobbitt.

Hey, I’m not complaining (well, yes I am), because it could be worse — much worse. In that respect, I’m grateful that I’m (apparently) getting better. But, all in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

I leave India in one week. Let’s hope I don’t catch a parasite or get rolled by a gang of rogue monkeys in the meantime.

[Welcome to India, man! And yes, that IS "Freedom Rock"!]

I promise this will be (among) the last of the derogatory comments I have about my visit to India so far. That being said …

I understand I cannot justifiably classify an entire country after having visited only a tiny portion thereof — especially one swarming with foreign tourists. Agreed. I mean, to do so would be akin to someone criticizing the entire United States after having visited only Las Vegas.

Err … forget that analogy, but you get the point.

But to those people (many whose opinions I truly do respect) that say I need to visit the ‘real India’ in order to understand ‘the magic’ of the country, I say bullshit. I have ventured out into the boonies and cities, and I say ‘Bullshit.’

Yes, India IS a bit different from other countries. Yes, India DOES have a remarkable history. Yes, it DOES have some great food and an extremely diversified culture. But there are amazingly different things in just about EVERY country worldwide (for now that is, until Starbucks and McDonalds have completed their takeover of the Klingon Empire).

I don’t want to come off as hating India — because I don’t. Indeed, there are some very interesting aspects of Indian culture, and I don’t think it’s really ALL that bad here. However, this blog, by necessity, is a distillation of my recollections and experiences about my travels. I cannot write about everything I see. It’s just not a practicality. Instead, I must write about those things which affect me the most … in the moment.

I write about what I ‘get’ from India as I experience it — the hippies, the crowding, the poverty, the misogynistic culture, the frantic pace, the greed. And these things … they’re not for me. Indeed, I fled from many of these same things also existing back in the States. Only in the U.S., there was indoor plumbing and less air pollution (if you can believe that).

I will say this much, however: I HAVE learned some things about myself since my arrival here. Not from the country or its people, but in how other Westerners view them both. As one commentator here noted, there are a HUGE number of Westerners who have never visited India and have a romanticized idea of the country — believing the entire countryside is not strewn with garbage, and believing Indians are ALL spiritually enlightened.

Man, they’re just people trying to get by. Just because they’ve got different religions and philosophies does NOT mean they’re any closer to grasping the meaning of life (if any) than you are — especially the meaning of YOUR life, dipshit!

Yet many foreigners here seem to continually propagate that illusion — actively blinding themselves to the reality so they can justify their continued search for answers in a place they’ve seen romanticized in movies as the birthplace of ‘spiritual enlightenment’. You can see it in how seriously they take themselves and the whole concept of ‘India.’ They’ve all seemingly forgotten that the minute you start believing your own bullshit is the minute you lose touch with the questions you initially sought to explain.

Ironically, I got a shot of this reality this morning seeing a funny quote on the side of one of the Starbucks cups used by a local coffee shop (not in violation of any copyright laws, I presume):

chances are you are scared of fictions.
chances are you are only fleetingly happy.
chances are you know much less than you think you do.
chances are you feel a little guilty
chances are you want people to lie to you.
perhaps the answer lies on the side of a coffee cup.
you are lost.”

-david cross
comedian, writer, actor

Indeed.

(MC Hammer, on left, and one of his neo-hippie fashion disciples, on right)

First off, no … I don’t have any actual pictures here from India to upload, since I lost the USB cord for my camera somewhere in the Philippines. Sorry.

Second off, I’m not sure I would want to put any pictures of the many, many MANY hippies roaming Kerala in their ‘Hammeresque’ Indian ‘harem pants.’ These pants are ostensibly used for yoga practice, but it seems that just about every Westerner here wears them at all times of the day, despite just how fucking silly they look.

It’s a bit baffling, considering that even the hottest of girls can ruin all that beauty simply by wearing pants that make her look like she’s wearing a big set of diapers. It’s really hard to tell if someone’s got a nice ass if she looks like she’s carrying around a load of shit in her pants.

And if the cute girls can look absolutely awful in these things, imagine — really imagine — just how unappealing all the aging, new-age, hippie wannabes look in them. It’s just …

just … wow.

I understand the concept of wearing comfortable clothing. Trust me, I haven’t worn a pair of shoes or pants in months. It’s hot and humid out and things can get hot and sticky (and stinky) really fast, so thongs (flip-flops) and shorts are obviously a necessity for maintaining any semblance of comfort (and dignity). That being said, I don’t see how wearing a big bulky diaper can make one MORE comfortable in this heat and humidity. To the contrary, I’m guessing there’s a bit of ‘hippie chafing’ going on right now.

In addition, apparently nobody has told these guys that parachute pants went out when Jim Carry and Jennifer Lopez were on ‘In Living Color‘ and Micheal Jackson was still black (well … sorta). Even then, they looked silly … and MC Hammer could DANCE in them.

These hippies in their yoga-parachute pants, though? Who are they kidding. C’mon buddy, just put on a pair of fucking shorts. Please?

Seriously, I knew MC Hammer, and you sir, are no MC Hammer.

Yes, of course we’re going to throw poo at them.

Yes, I’m finally in India – what a fascinating country shithole! And what better way to celebrate this auspicious occasion than for me to immediately book a flight to Krabi, Thailand.

Yes, India is just THAT good.

The presence here of what I had feared most — rabid European tourists and ego-driven nuevo-hippies everywhere — has indeed come to pass.

I originally planned on staying in India for 2 full months practicing my yoga and getting some further training should I ever wish to pursue it as a career in the future. However, I’ve since learned that most of the yoga ashrams and schools here — and especially those specializing in Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga, which is what I practice — are a complete farce.

On the one hand are the loads and loads of ‘yoga centers’ catering to all these Westerners who have been led to believe that the best practitioners MUST be in India since that’s where modern yoga developed. That’s complete bullshit. My brief experience has confirmed what others have told me — you can probably get just as good, if not better, training anywhere else in the world.

Then, on the other hand is the fact that yoga practitioners here, and especially in Mysore, which is known for being ‘ground-zero’ for ashtanga training, in fact produces bigger egos than true ashtaga yogis. Most of the guys here project a real ego-driven sense of “I’m more at peace than you are, and I can prove it!!” Fuck that, if I wanted to sit in a room full of bitches comparing how flexible and happy they are about living with no money, I could have gone to any ONE of the many fabulous nude bars in Miami and had a much (much) better time.

I know, I know … don’t be hatin’ on India. Yeah, I guess you’re right … it’s not ALL that bad.

I mean, the food here is probably some of the best in Asia — I actually enjoy eating vegetarian cuisine when it’s prepared THIS good. Plus, all the wannabe hippies with their long flowing gowns and ponytails DO make for excellent dinner theatre. And as an added bonus, all the garbage burning throughout the day makes for an absolutely beautiful sunset.

Okay, granted, you really shouldn’t go into the ocean unless you want to bring a pet parasite back home with you. But then again, the numerous packs of stray dogs and the occasional elephant you may encounter whilst trying to walk back to your room will more than make up for any ‘wildlife’ you may otherwise be missing underwater.

So, rather than stay here any longer than necessary, I’m going back to Thailand in a couple weeks to meet up with friends from Singapore before they all head back to states for good.

I’ve got a multiple entry 3 month visa, but I’m not really sure for how long — or even if — I’ll head back to India. Moreso, given the continuing escalation of violence in Sri Lanka (one of the same private buses that I took to leave Kandy on 1 February was blown up by Tamil terrorists the VERY next day, killing 18 people and injuring 55), I fear it’s not safe to travel there again until it all resolves itself. Instead, I will go back through and pick up my surfboards on my way to Thailand.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a hater, I’m just drawn that way.